Today followed on from yesterday, as it does, except while doing the damn, never-ending dishes, I noticed my mind was having one of those awful back and forth imaginary conversations with ex. And I was getting more angry and frustrated by the minute, until I realised what was happening and told myself to stop the bullshit. Then I decided that this wasn't going away today so I took some xanax and went to calm down.
I don't know what sets it off, but probably a combination of things - a comment or even something that's not said, the time of year, a phone call.
But I couldn't take it anymore, suppressing the horrible feelings and trying to push through the all the negative stuff is like walking through a muddy swamp - hazardous at the best of times. I wanted, needed, to stop them. Hence the xanax. And of course, after I took it, I had to tell ex because xanax makes you a bit dopey and if I needed to drive, well, I would have had to call on him.
I knew the anger was irrational, a fantasy of my mind, as was the fear I felt when telling him about it. I don't know why I am still afraid to tell him what's going on inside my head. For a while now, he's been very understanding about the moods, probably because I'm no longer blaming him for them. He doesn't judge or panic, he just accepts it and takes over when he has to and I get to recover and set myself straight.
So today he sat and listened. I told him about the conversations I had with myself - no details, just that I was having them. I have them too, he said. Really? Apparently, he also has situations which trigger a non-existent conversation in his head, based on stuff that's happened between us in the past. And the emotions return - the hate, the anger... the hate. We talked for a while about this and then he reminded me that we have to focus on the now. If we drag ourselves back into the past, nothing will change. And he's right. We can't go there. Up till now, I've done fairly well in keeping to that rule, but it's been hard lately. My ego has been so strong and today succeeded in dragging me down into this pit of our horrible dysfunctional past.
One thing I noticed about today's conversation was that he's taken notice of the things I've been saying in previous conversations. Things like, "our relationship didn't stand a chance because of who I was and who he was" and "we need to focus on the present", "we need to be present for our kids sake".
At least now I know I'm contributing newer ideas, that are mine, thought of by me, as opposed to just regurgitating what he says. Being separated, and indeed writing this blog, has forced me to think on my own, to take things apart and look at them myself. And I've been able to pass that on to him. We've never been intellectual equals, not in my mind anyway, so at least now we are on the same page about some things.
Another thing that's changed is when we used to talk, we just talked about our past. These talks would last for 2, maybe 3 hours. I finally got to a point where I just refused to talk about it, because it didn't get us anywhere and we'd just go around in circles. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Honestly, I don't think most people could, unless you're some kind of masochist. We'd relive the same pain, guilt, anger and other shit all over again, everytime! Very, very unhealthy. In the end, I just said no, I can't talk about this.
Now we talk about different stuff, referring only to the past in terms of what happened, but there's no blame, only 'what is'. We talk about what it means to the kids to be together, how we can operate as a family, what things need to be done and how we can co-ordinate together to get it done. What we have now is sooooooo much better than anything we ever had before. And the irony of it all is that in terms of material possessions, we don't have much at all. Oh, we've got furniture and a car (beat up toyota) and all that, but no house and no assets - and the house we do rent is a bit rundown, but it's big. To me, it doesn't matter. I stopped caring a long time ago about what we had, because we've had money and material things, lived in beautiful places and it didn't make an iota of difference to our happiness or how we functioned. Now I'm just grateful to be sane, aware and functioning at a level that has a positive influence on the kids.
So, xanax saved the day. The heavy feeling inside has lifted, I've talked with ex and the rest of the day worked out ok. The kids and I went to the park on the bikes (I jogged - on xanax, that's not easy) and we had a decent dinner.
Now to go and do what needs to be done. Don't sweat the small stuff people, your body doesn't need it, and neither does your mind.
Cheers.
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