I feel like such a failure.

As far as my feeling go, I'm back at square one. For a very long time in our relationship, I felt like this huge failure, unable to handle the things that ex wanted, or felt like he had to say to me. To me, it felt like a constant stream of criticism, to him, it was just things that needed to be said. I don't know which one of us had the accurate perpective, and I don't care. Our past will be different to both of us, never reconciled.

Now as CNY looms not too far away, I find myself right back where I was all those years ago. I don't feel good enough, my efforts are not good enough. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me nervous so I try harder and I make things worse. I stutter, say stupid things out of context (or so I'm told), I'm this and that and I do this and that, none of it good. He rolls his eyes and sighs and says he has to block it out. I just make his life worse. I'm left standing there, a huge blot on his life.

I feel like a child who hasn't lived up to her parents expectations. He asked me to help him with the chinese new year decorations - can you make some small ones out of the red packets so I can hang them up. I made some small lanterns, fish and shells. Easy stuff that anyone can do. I made a figure 8 that I'd seen on the internet. I thought it was OK. He sort of groaned when he saw it. He wants to light the lanterns with glow sticks - it's too hard to get the whole thing together the way he wants it. So I try to give him alternatives, try it this way, but then it won't do that blah, blah. He stuttered or mumbled like I was being so difficult and lay down on the couch and closed his eyes.

That was it for me. I left the room saying, I don't think I can do this for you, and almost dissolved into tears. It's so hard to do things for him and he says it's so hard to get me to do things for him. I never understand what he wants, though I try hard to. He can't seem to talk to me easily, what with the past baggage blocking the way. Most of the time he ends up telling me what I am, am not, what I do and don't do and my insides end up shredded. I can't be in the same room as him, when he's talking to me that way. I actually thought that I'd be able to handle it, but I was wrong - dead wrong. It took about 1 second after he started talking for me to feel like an inadequate, pathetic idiot - not that he used any of those words OR meant to make me feel that way. But I do.

I want to say to him, no! I don't want to help you because you know if I do, we'll fight, because I always do it the wrong way, or don't understand what you want. And I can't handle the things you say to me. I JUST CAN'T. So, please leave me be to stuff up my own life, to look after the kids, to make mistakes that don't affect you. Leave me alone, so I can do my own thing, with my own friends, who accept all my faults and who will ask questions of me if they don't understand what I'm talking about. Who won't tell me about how I speak or think or do things, to the point where I'm completely tangled and the only thing that calms me is a TRANQUILISER.

PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO HELP YOU. I WANT TO, I'M OBLIGATED TO, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT. AND IF YOU DON'T, THE COST IS TOO HIGH.

I'm just SO tired. and the 5 chocolates I've just eaten, aren't helping. That's life, I'll be back soon.