On Shaky Ground

Well, the week has passed with no hiccups at school and all school related crisis' deftly avoided by a quick thinking parent - forgotten homework, lost pencils, broken stationary, bags that are too small and broke on the first day anyway, toothbrush, cup and small kiddie sized toothpaste needed - today, all dealt with. Tomorrow is the weekend, which I'm looking forward to and I don't want to go to work tonight, but I know I will be better off for it.


This week I've also been inclined to stay indoors, not venture out much, just stay home and rest or do some housework. I don't want to be out there, I just don't, but I know I need to be. I did want to take son to school and to be there for him, but for the rest of it, I didn't really care.

Talking to ex is hard again. I've become more defensive, which makes what he says difficult to hear. I don't know why I've become defensive and agitated, but I have. You know that feeling where you think you need, have a right, to stick up for yourself and yet, you can't? I have that feeling and it's getting me down.

At Christmas I am coming back to Australia. I want to come for at least 4 weeks. Ex doesnt' want me to go for any more than 3. It doesn't seem that there's much difference between the two, but there is and I want my way. Damn it. I deserve it. The kids want it. Why CAN'T we have what we want, it's not that much?

I'll tell you why. Because going home is always an emotional minefield and he wants to keep things on an even keel. When I came home last time, I was a mess for about 3 weeks. He knows it's fraught with danger and he doesn't think I'll handle it well. And, he's afraid the whole trip will turn into an Australia vs Malaysia slanging match. ie Australia is better (and it is) and that after the trip, all three of us will be miserable. And if I play up that Australia is better, that we would be happier there,we will be (miserable). So I won't (and don't) do that. It doesn't help.

I have to emphasise that our life here is good, that we get to do things here that we wouldn't get to do in Australia, despite my feelings that our life in oz would be better. A friend emphasised that fact that here, they have their father and in Oz, they wouldn't. That's a huge difference. And it's the one single difference that makes it imperative that we stay here - for a while anyway.

When I read this back, I find myself wanting ex to come back with us, not for me or us, but for them. Single parenting is difficult. I've seen it etched on the faces of single mums around where I live, I saw how hard it was for friends and some relatives. Co-parenting is not ideal, but it's better than not having the father around at all.


Thinking and writing about the future, I find again that I'm at a point where I have to really make the effort to live in the now and to do that, I've got to virtually dismiss the future - that is, not invest any thoughts in it at all.

That might seem a little drastic, but it's necessary. Living in the present affords us all mindspace - it gives you space to concentrate on the now. The future will take care of itself, it really will. Though we can influence it to a certain degree, we can't predict what will happen. So there's no point speculating on what may or may not happen. Living for now, we can focus and give our all to those things that need our full attention - our kids, the next meal, our jobs, helping other people who are worse off.

That's what I need to do, so away with you ego, let me do what I need to do!