Dreams can really shake you up. My dreams often involve seeing myself as some sort of incompetent idiot forgetting things, messing things up and generally being unreliable. I feel my anxiety and I feel ex's stress as though it were real and then I wake up full of self doubt and loathing. I'm more likely to have a really bad mood swing after a dream like this. These dreams remind of very bad times.
My dreams are changing though. In as many weeks, I've had two dreams where ex and I are together again. We are comfortable in each others company, we are relaxed and smiling and he is the gentle man I remember from our good times (we did have them) together.
These dreams shake me up more than the other kind. They bring to the fore an alternate reality that I have always fantasised about. A reality where ex and I are connected emotionally and we trust each other. A reality where we actually like each other and are good friends.
But this is not reality. This is pure fantasy. It's a reality that I don't really think is ever possible, given our different perspectives on life and what our past has been.
These dreams are scary because in thinking about this stuff, I grieve for a life that can never be and never was.
In the past, this would send me into a huge mood swing, where I would blame ex for not being the person in the dream and hateful, resentful thoughts would fill my head.
Now though, I can see it for what it is and accept that it's not realistic of me to think this way. Ex is NOT the person in the dream, anymore than I am the person I see in the dream. It's all a fabrication of my ego, meant to pull me away from reality to satisfy my need to be right. If I letr it pull me away, tonight I will not be able to cook, I will yell at the kids and I will have toxins borne from anger flowing through my veins. It will be a shitty day for everyone.
So I have changed my reaction to dreams like these. I know reality from fantasy and these dreams are fantasy. They do not reflect what has happened to us, they do not reflect what we really think or feel. Therefore I do not invest in them. I know better now, so I do better.
4 comments:
Hey there
I dream alot about Turkey, about being there, but not about being with ex. It's strange, though. What does it mean?
I remember you asked me about recipes at my blog. There aren't any recipes really; what I wrote was seriously what I did. But if there's one that you liked the sound of I can write out a recipe and email. Along with that other email I remember I owe you.
Sorrreeeee!!!
Being very slack here.
I always enjoy reading your posts, Jo.
Hugs from Melbs.
xxx
Hi Melbs, Nice to read (see) you again. Don't apologise, I know you're very busy. I think I read something on your blog about puttanesca, but I can't recall exactly. I don't even know what puttanesca is, it just sounded nice.
I read somewhere that our dreams are our ego pushing itself to the fore of our conscious minds. I'm not sure if I believe that, but to me now, dreams are just dreams, not reality, not hidden desires, just dreams.
Cheers
I think our dreams are messages from our unconscious to our conscious, like knockings on a door. This explains the repetitive themes we can have in our dreams. The knocking = "this needs looking at."
Puttanesca is just a sauce you toss cooked spaghetti through. All it is is heat some oil in a frypan. Toss in some diced, fresh tomato, anchovies, diced garlic, pitted olives, some parsley is nice, then when the tomatoes are softened only, really not long, three mins? stir through your spaghetti. Parmesan cheese on top, yum yum eat. It's a lovely fresh quick dish. MMMMMMMM.
Thanks for the little recipe. I'll try it soon and let you know. My son will love it because it's got olives in it.
Thanks.
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