Ex has been surprising me lately. He's been listening to Anthony Robbins talk about why we do what we do and he's hearing new things all the time. He's admitting that he too, is not all he can be. Ex, person who never really believed he had such fundamental flaws, has come to accept that he's holding himself back with some of the things he believes.
We've been in 'survival mode' now since September '07. Don't do much, don't talk much and stick to what's safe. Make it comfortable for the kids as much as possible, but the main thing was, we must all be together, for the sake of the kids. It's been OK and certainly better than the alternative of each taking custody of one child and living in separate countries.
We can stay in survival mode, it's easy and comfortable or we can move on - together as a team (not a couple) or separately. The time has come to move on. He's been talking about how his beliefs have stopped him from being able to move on, how they are limiting his progress. We've been separated for around 2 years now and he still doesn't have a steady job that makes decent money and his motivation to work fluctuates from high to low.
Recently, however, after listening to Robbins talk, he's begun to turn things over in his mind and look at himself a little closer. He's begun to accept that his acquired (from me) beliefs about money (ie having a lot money isn't necessary and doesn't make you happy) and some of his beliefs that were conjured to make sense of a difficult situation (ie this is as good as it gets, we can't do anything to rock the boat or something bad will happen) are holding him back. He said "now i'm holding us back by believing what I've come to believe". I almost jumped with joy, hearing him take responsibility like that - which I know from personal experience is a really hard thing to do.
He also talked about wanting to be happy, something which I think is important - there's no shame in wanting joy from life - you won't always get it, but it's a nice, positive thing to have. Happiness for ex has always meant being shallow and selfish - something he has steered away from and which I've tried to 'push' him into.
He wants to change things, to make them better. After all the work I've done on myself, he's finally coming to the party - at least that's the way I see it. He wants to change what he thinks, what he does and how he does them. I've been waiting for this, to see him take some responsibility for his own happiness and know that he deserves to be happy. Thankyou Mr Robbins, for your wise words that have woken my ex up to the fact that you can be happy, have money and still be a good person. That being happy doesn't always mean you have to be selfish and just do what you want to do. There are other aspects of being happy, such as knowing that you are fundamentally a good person and that you deserve all that life has to offer.
I think he knew some of this before (such as money is not a bad thing), but in our dysfunctional relationship, he lost them and lost his sense of self. I know he did, because I did too, though I'll admit, I didn't ever really have a sense of who I was before now.
Things are looking positive for him and for that I am glad. I have always wanted him to be happy, even to the extent of telling him that he should go and find another woman who will make him happy. I've always wanted him to share in the joy and get the most out of life, even if he did think it was superficial. We need joy and we need to be happy - there's nothing wrong with wanting that and we shouldn't feel guilty because we do. We deserve better than living within the existence of misery.
We deserve better, all of us.
Ps The spell that is used to find lost books also works for spanners and keys!!! Of course, ex might have just found his keys and 2 of our spanners because he was looking in the right place for them (ie the pub) instead of automatically just thinking that I'd put them somewhere - because everything's my fault. But you never know! Maybe my 'positive powers' really DO work!!! Changing indeed!
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