Baggage, it's a bastard but it's going to be OK

I still get very angry, very quickly, with the kids at least. I don't like my behaviour and I know I need to change it, but I'm finding it very difficult.

After yet another argument with my daughter, I'd come to my room for some space to calm down. Ex had come in to ask me something and noticed something was wrong. He asked, and feeling absolutely terrible, I answered and told him what was wrong. It was as if I'd been hiding this terrible secret about how the kids and I get into these awful arguments and I end up losing my cool and the kids get upset.

The thing is, my kids have no qualms about telling me if they think I'm making a mistake. None. Just the other day my daughter had told me how I'm holding them to double standards - I'm allowed to shout and express my anger, yet I keep telling her and her brother that they are not supposed to shout and please don't get angry with me. I didn't know what to say to her, except agree with her and tell her that we'll have to work on this problem.

So here I am, being mummy day in and day out, trying to organise their lives, keep them happy, feed them the right foods, sort out their fights, let them do this, don't let them do that, coach them them through their homework each night, dress, feed and bathe them (though they do alot of that themselves now) and I get back "you're not listening mummy, but mummy, oh mummy, MUMMY!!!!" from them.

They argue, shout, scream, stomp off in anger, tantrum, glower, cry and argue some more and all the while I'm telling them not to. And it's so exasperating - and I've only got two of them and by anyone's standards, they're pretty good kids.

So where am I going wrong? How can I stop this horrible cycle of me trying to do what I think is my job and them not wanting to do whatever as well as telling me about all my mistakes and all of us getting upset?

We're obviously caught in a cycle where someone needs to change and since I'm the adult, it will have to be me. The other thing I've noticed about this is that the feelings that accompany this situation are familiar - they're the same feelings that arose when ex and I used to fight in the past. It's like my baggage from the past, contaminating the present. All the familiar anger and resentment rises up in an instant, I get all defensive and upset and really, the kids don't have a chance of being heard.

I know this is true, I can feel it in my core and it bothers me, alot. When I think about the very worst that can happen, I think that I'll screw them up and shatter our relationship, pretty much like I did with ex. In fact, this whole thing smacks of the exact communication patterns that ex and I developed over the years. Good one Mummy!!!!

I know that by being aware that things can be different, therein lies the possibility for change. I spoke with ex about all this today, and, I have to say, he was great about it. He listened to me talk, didn't criticise me or tell me it was my fault, just listened and told me he knew it was tough. He said that I do a lot of things with them and it was bound to get tough. And yes, he agreed that daughter was going through a phase where she was really pushing everyone's buttons, even our son's. He said that it's going to be OK, we'll power through this, he'll speak with our daughter and that I should hang in there, because in two weeks, I'll be going for a holiday and that will do me good. He reassured me that a short holiday will not traumatise the kids and that he'll be fine looking after them.

I almost fell off my chair. I've can't ever remember him saying to me that everything was going to be OK and that we'll 'power through this' and if I want to chat, I should just come and see him. In our worst times, it was all I ever wanted to hear - that things were going to be OK. People need to be reassured and I could never understand why he could never do this and why he thought it wasn't necessary. I felt so flawed because I needed it. When things get tough for the kids and I, the first thing I tell them when it's over is that it's OK and we're going to be fine. I can feel them physically relax and calm down and it makes it better for them.

After the talk with ex, I actually felt a whole lot better (instead of a whole lot worse) and I came away thinking that this isn't going to be so hard afterall - and if it does get too hard, I've got someone here who cares about the kids as much as I do. Parenting is fucking hard if you're right in the middle of it, but it's easier with someone else there to pick up if you lose it. If ex and I can parent from the same page of the book, it'll be more than worth the sacrifice I've made.

Phew! I'm exhausted.