The other day, I had one of those blinding moments when you realise something fundamental about yourself. Ex and I were talking about addictive behaviours, why some people drink, take drugs and what it is about those experiences that keeps people going back and doing it all again.
We talked about the rush, the pure joy that recreational drugs give you (not that I'd know), aside from the fact that they wreak havoc on your body and your mind. There are different ways and means for getting a rush like this - some people choose extreme sports while others choose drugs.
Then he asked me a question - what gives or has given me that pure joy rush. And I had to think about it. I know that feeling that starts in your gut and ends up in your heart and your just absolutley over the moon about something. So I couldn't put my finger on it at first, then some things came to mind:
~ being accepted into University made me so happy I almost cried.
~ seeing one of my little disabled friends learn something that I'd taught them.
~ finding out I was pregnant with my daughter (which lasted about 2 seconds because when the doctor rang we were fighting as usual)
~ seeing my kids meet their developmental milesones (sitting, walking etc)
AND..... wait for this one... (I do cringe when I think about it)
~ APPROVAL FROM EX! If he liked something I did and said so, or if he liked the way I looked or whatever it was, I got the same 'pure joy' buzz as I did with all those other significant events that warranted a response like that. And if I didn't get it, I craved it and did everything I could think of to please him. And I did it for years and years.
So there it is. Some people take drugs to get high. I just need someone else to like me.
I am glad to say though that through a vastly improved self esteem, I no longer crave his approval like I used to and when he does 'approve' of whatever I'm doing, I give him a smile and get on with my life.
ps. this post is just looking at the similarities of addictive behaviours and is in no way meant to minimise the problems of those with a serious drug addiction. I don't know drugs, nor pretend that I do. Just sayin' is all.
1 comment:
You did not have to justify the statments stop thinking you ow everyone an explanation. By the way I still think your ok.
By the way sometimes with kids you need to just maintain boundry and be cosistent as to where it is. You do not need to justify or explain all the time. My favorite expresion is ( because I said so) you are the adult and have the life experience to make decisions. Just do it? Kids love to test boundries you just need to maintain them for as long as they are needed. It gives kids a sense of security to know they are there and they are just checking thatbthey are, whether YOU realise it or not . Love Pete
Post a Comment