It's not over yet....

I've decided to keep blogging. I didn't want it to end that way, so I've restored my entries and changed my security settings to ensure that it doesn't come up in search engines (that's how he found it) and only people on a special list can access it. If you're reading this, you are on that list.

For now, I can't 'not' write. Writing this stuff down has given me a voice, a place to put all the shit in my head that I didn't want to (and couldn't) unload on ex or my friends. It's also given me a place to write the good things down in my life that I don't want to forget. And I've met some fine people here. It's helped me a lot and you know what, in a funny way, I feel relieved that all my feelings are out on the table now. Ex knows what I feel, how I think. He said nothing in this blog came as a surprise - nothing. He didn't see the progress or any change, he only saw the parts that spoke badly of him, the parts that blame him for our problems. He thinks I want him to take full responsibility for our situation, but I don't. A little maybe, but not all. How can so many problems be just one person's fault? Everyone I've ever spoken to has said the same thing, it takes two.

He couldn't reconcile the fact that I was writing this about him and still wanting to get back together. I didn't understand it myself and I wrote as much. This blog is a venting point, a place to put all the shit that accumulated in my head over all the dysfunctional years we've been together and then some. It was not meant as a personal attack on him. If I'd wanted that, I would have written much worse things about him than I did.

To his absolute credit, he's been able to put his feelings (and they were really intense) about this aside and not take it personally. So when I saw him again the next day, it was as though it had never happened. He talked to me about it but he wasn't angry, just normal. He said he wants to stop the cycle of hate and will do so by choosing not to hate me for doing this. He does not want to enter into a world (my world) where hate and resentment are the dominating emotions. After all, he said, he knows I think this way anyway.

I'm grateful that he's taken the higher road because to do any less would be a disaster. I didn't do anything wrong, even if he did take it personally. It was never for his eyes, never meant to be read by him or anyone who knows him. If he can put it aside and continue to treat me respectfully, then only good will come of it. There are kids involved and they still need both of us to treat each other well.

One interesting thing I found out was that he could say the worst things imaginable to me and I didn't feel a thing. Not. one. thing. He said I betrayed him that he deserved better and I didn't. That no-one could love me, not with the way I am. That I didn't deserve to be loved. He called me two-faced and said he was so angry with me that he wanted to hurt me. And then said that if he'd written or said anything half as bad as what I said about him, I'd be a dribbling mess. All the while, I sat there and listened to this (kids were out of the house) and I didn't feel a damn thing. I was not a dribbling mess, I wasn't much of anything really. I just sat there and let him go on. I don't know if it was because I didn't care or because I was numb from the horror of him finding this. Even when I tried to explain that what he'd just said was way worse than anything I'd written, he cut me off and went on about something else. I gave up trying to explain and be right and let him be. Well, we each live our own realities, don't we?

And that's what we've agreed on. That we each have our own reality and that for both of us, it's different. Irreconcilable differences. That's grounds for divorce, isn't it?