Still here

I'm still here, though I've gone rather numb. Well, I was numb, wondering where all my fucking emotions had gone, for the first four days after ex had revealed that he's read ALL of my very private, not-meant-for-his-eyes journal here. I can't bear to look at him, bear to be in the same room and have to really fight myself to acknowledge him. I must be angry, I just don't feel it yet.

The anger has presented itself in dreams though, as every night since, I've dreamt of the 'big fight' that would have ensued, had I started shouting at him or telling him he was wrong to read my journal. I didn't do either of those things, so I guess it's got to happen somewhere. At the time, I just sat down and panicked, with the words, "this is it, this is the end of it all" going through my mind.

I'm in limbo at the moment, still struggling with all of this, not knowing what to say and not even knowing what to write about it. I've cooked and taken care of the kids, though they are not getting the mummy they deserve. And my students are not getting the teacher they need. i guess I'll get through it though, it's just another thing to let go by.

I'm wary of letting my emotions make my decisions for me. The kids are still stable and happy and enjoying their father's presence. That's what matters, that's why I'm here. I must let this matter lie and look to the future. I can use this to make myself stronger, to learn to cope with tough situations when I'm feeling vulnerable. To learn to put my children first, to cope when the going is tough. To show my children that when things are tough, you just keep on going, no matter what - power your way through this, pull yourself up and know that the hard work will pay off. Eventually.