Last night I had a rather scary dream. Now, I'm not one for scary dreams, I don't ever recall having had a nightmare or anything close to it. But last night I woke up crying, much to my surprise.
In the part of the dream that was most vivid, I was standing apart from myself, looking at myself in the third person. Never done that before. In the dream it was me, with my back to another person, who turned out to be my dad. This person was very angry at me. So angry in fact, that he was hurting me, hitting me and beating me over the head with a baseball bat. I was hurt and knew I had to get away, and that if I didn't, well, I would die. At the time, I felt strong and clear-headed, knowing my only priority should be to get away and that I could think about other things later on. I don't think I managed to get far, but when I did get away from him, all I could think about was how hurt I was that he was so angry at me and that I could have, should have done better by him. And I cried and cried. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Please Dad, don't be angry. I've got enough anger for all of us. It's so toxic and it will hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt. You need to be well until we can be together again. I know you've always supported my decision to be here and do what I think is best, even though you didn't agree. I'm so grateful for that. I know you are sitting there, watching my mess of a life unfold in just the way you predicted (to yourself) all those years ago when you found out that I wanted to be with him. I know you are disappointed that I won't stand up for myself, but it's really not that simple. I can't just up and leave. There are other considerations to be heeded. I'm strong and this situation will not destroy me. It will teach me life lessons. The "beautiful girl" you said you think you are losing is still here, waiting, waiting til the time is right to come home. And when I do, I'll be more of me than I ever thought possible. So please don't worry for me. I'm OK and I will see you at the end of the year.
I know my family are angry at me, it seems that everyone is. But I need to do what I think is best for my children, in my situation. For a very long time, I found it difficult to make my own decisions, often letting myself get swayed by someone else's opinion or I'd just go along with whatever J wanted. Now in this situation, knowing all that I know about myself and my situation and the kind of person J really is (ie not always the 'bastard' I make him out to be), I find that J and I are the only ones who can really make the decision together. And we did. Even though I yearn to be home, I know this is the best thing for my kids at the moment. Nothing is going to have more influence on our kids than we are. And I know right now, both my children need their father and their mother and they need each other. That's the entire basis for my decision to stay here.
And when I think about it like that, I feel good about myself and my decision.
6 comments:
Oh Jo, this is so weird. The last two days I've been reading about Carl Jung and the interpretation of dreams, reading of other people's dreams in these books, and now here is your very powerful dream.
Some things I've learned about dreams:
- they usually aren't always literal, although sometimes they are
- there can be many different interpretations
- the one that makes sense to you, the dreamer, that resonates and makes you go "oh, yes!" or even "oh, no!" is probably what the meaning is
Your dream could be anxiety about your dad's reaction to things right now, your feelings that you are "letting him down"? or he could actually represent a part of yourself in the dream. What are the one or two words you would use to describe your dad?
Think about them, and then be curious about the idea that perhaps they are qualities that are repressed or undeveloped in yourself.
Do you dream much? Do you remember them? Vivid dreams like this can be very strong messages from your unconscious. Try to ponder on it a bit, even though it's upsetting. It doesn't mean your dad wants to bash you with a baseball bat!
Let me know how you go.
x
Good grief Jo you just informed us in the last post that you were determined to be happy.
OK, ok I know I assumed that was when you were awake.
Damn, (caused me to swear)I had not thought that you might be unhappy when you were asleep to compensate for a contented daytime.
I also once had a dream about one of my kids that caused me to wake up crying.
My dream had no violence though.
It is amazing the emotions that go through a persons head occasionally.
Strange it may seem though, I really cannot see your dad hitting you over the head with a baseball bat (besides he is a bowler) and not naturally prone to violent behavior.
Actually, did he get out of the chair to beat you? You know the chair!
Me thinks you have been surrounded by radical Muslims for too long.
Oops. Perhaps that is racial, social or religious profiling (maybe all three?) so please unread that last sentence. Being a Scorpio makes it so easy to say those things and not particularly care.
Also I might take issue with your choice of the word angry. This word would not be my first choice.
Perhaps choose disappointed, disenchanted even frustrated with your choice.
Either way I suspect you should feel comfortable that “angry” to the point of generating violence even in a dream is improbable.
They do know (we all do) that it is your decision and when you are unhappy their worried reaction might possibly be interpreted by you as angry. They may even have said the word angry (doubt it) and in any case you know in your heart that this would not be the truth.
Over the last 40 years they have done nothing but support you anyway possible just as you and Jin would wish to do for your children.
Perhaps they (like yourself?) simply lament what might have been.
Their happiness when you are happy is palpably noticeable.
I am going there on Sunday and if you wish I will scour their home for weapons in general if that makes you happier.
Cheers Jo, have another smile and a happy Easter to all.
PS I will find an egg for you and any other Dutchy.
Melba, that's bizarre! I was able to get over the dream fairly quickly and the first thing that resonated with me was my Dad's anxiety and anger - and how he doesn't or isn't able to express it (to me anyway). I know he worries about me and he's very angry at the whole situation, but he doesn't express it. A few words I would use to describe him are passive and gentle, laid back, quiet - that sort of thing.
As a rule I don't dream much, and I only have the occasional vivid dream like this one. These vivid ones usually reflect what I'm feeling or thinking about on a deeper level - definitely coming from my subconscious. So this dream could also represent my own anger and frustration at myself or this situation. When I'm spiraling down, the urge to lash out is quite strong - of course I never act on it though.
Thanks for the input. I wouldn't have thought to read up on the interpretations of dreams. :)
Mr Scorpio, we can't be held responsible for our dreams now can we.
Note to other blog readers, Mr S can be a little cynical and sarcastic so take what he says with a grain of salt.
In the dream, he was out of the chair. Actually, 'the chair' (a reference to the recliner my Dad spends a good deal of his time in) was nowhere to be seen.
And you are right, they have supported me all my life, with whatever choices I've made, even if they didn't like them. But I know he's angry, probably more at the whole situation than at me in particular.
As I told Melba, this dream is probably a reflection of his angst about everything that's happened and not meant to be taken literally. I've spoken to Dad since but didn't tell him about it. Just told him that I'm OK and he should take care of himself.
Find an egg on Sunday and 'took' it with my Dad for me. Thanks.
Apart from some funny discussions about how you should spell “took” (in their strange Dutch language) the day went well with you winning the contest.
I think Nicky will have some photos for you winning.
Much food, some beer and wine and quite a bit of laughter.
Actually I cannot recall the order in which you won although you did defeat your dad first, Rachael second and I think your mum next.
You remain Grand champion for the next 12 months.
What we did see was a photo of you at various stages in your school career.
1972 in Blacktown, 1974 in Melton, 1976 etc.
All up it was a jolly day with good company.
To put your mind at rest while I was there I removed the handle from the axe, hid the toilet brush and screwed the kitchen cutlery drawer shut.
I am worried that I left the toaster behind.
Cheers, have another smile, sleep safe and well now and see you next Christmas you champion.
LOL, no-one makes me laugh like you do!!! That's so funny. I heard from mum that I am 'took' queen by proxy. I want to know who played on behalf of me.
Cheers and I will sleep better tonight.
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