The past week has been mixed. For 2 or so days J and I weren't talking because we'd had a 'thing' over our son being slow. Our son is physically slow when he's doing things and so it takes him forever to do a task. On top of that, he's really un-coordinated. For instance, he can't toss a ball in the air and catch it again because he ends up throwing it backwards over his head, he doesn't run well (though he skips beautifully), and a bat and ball, forget it. It doesn't matter to me, but I do want him to be able to catch and throw like other kids, so that he feels like he's competent and doesn't get teased.
J keeps telling him how slow he is and my alarm bells are going off because I think it's going to impact his self-esteem - he already has trouble with a number of other things. So I said something like "we know, we know he's slow". I meant to say it under my breath but didn't and J heard it and took it to heart saying that he couldn't even say things in his own house. "No, you can't say those types of things, not when he can hear you" I wanted to scream to him, but didn't of course.
So that set the mood of avoidance and curt words for the next couple of days until the tension got too much and I had to say something. Something like we can't survive like this, our daughter is starting to notice the tension, she's asking me why you're frustrated with me and we can't do this thing we've set out to do if you're going to stay in your room and we're all out here.
Talk, talk talk and he said he'd 'let it go' and then said something about "I knew we shouldn't have gone to Kluang (where we'd gone for old souls day), I knew I'd pay for it in the end. I had no idea what he was talking about and he wouldn't explain it, instead saying forget it, it had nothing to do with Kluang.
Then the penny dropped. We'd had a good day in Kluang and now because something good had happened, something bad HAD to happen. That's the way he sees the events in our lives happening. Everytime we achieve something good, I do something to bring us down. If we're happy, I sabotage it by having a mood swing and we get brought down again. I don't ever link things like this, but he does. It's how he has experienced us I guess. I compartmentalise things, but he links them all together in one big string.
So, in essence, in the past and the present, he's wary of good things happening because HE KNOWS something bad will come after - it's the price he and we, all pay for having good things occur.
What he said: every time something good happens, something bad will follow. Whenever I'm up you pull me down, whether you mean to or not. If I'm happy and strong, you're depressed and weak. You pull us down to your level and we never get to stay happy. Now if we do something together, afterwards you'll let your guard down and do something that will pull us down (insensitive comment, mood swing etc) so we end up where we are now, not wanting to do anything with you because I know I'll have to pay later. The things we do together are getting even less and I feel like I'm living in a small box, which gets smaller everytime something like this happens.
That's his reasoning, right or wrong. I don't care whether it's true or not, I just want to do my best to break this cycle. That way at least he will have some confidence to do things together as a family without thinking that it won't be worth it because there's a price to pay.
I understand, I know what I have to do. I have to and want to, stay positive so that he can come out of the box. I can't put him down or be negative, at all, even if I'm not happy. I just want to make things right. I heard from his mum today that he was very happy when I was all positive and doings things with a happy spirit (remember those posts - ahhh, to be back there). That's my goal. To get back up there and change my negative state of mind once and for all.
Only then will I know what's possible. Positive thinking has only served us well.
Now I know I've been going on about positive thinking, but I need to remind myself, otherwise I'll never change. Bad habits are hard to break and negative thinking is just a bad habit I need to break.
Happy, happy, happy.
Cheers
5 comments:
Walking on egg shells is likely to be your lot.
I suspect it did does not have anything to do with Kluang.
Jin feels he is walking on egg shells, you feel like you are walking on egg shells and the kids are starting to sense that.
This is no surprise though.
Better or worse, up, down it is simply a variation on an untenable long term situation Jo.
You cannot say what you wish (we know he's slow) for fear of setting Jin off and he cannot speak to you less he invokes the bad spirits of Kluang.
Just to restate what you probably already know. My son what very uncoordinated up to 14 or so yet within a week that all changed.
An absolutely amazing experience for me watching. Because it happened so quickly it was as though I was watching him change in fast forward.
I suspect the same will occur to your son.
Yesterday was Easter Monday. I took the boys down to a park near our house. They rode their bikes down past the lake and back, and then played at the playground for ages until the sun started to set.
I was particularly proud of my 2 year old Cherub. After a bad experience over Christmas, he had refused to ride his bike anywhere other than the back yard, until yesterday. Looking at him race down hills at alarming speeds, you would never guess that he had any fear of bikes, or anything else in this world. He was also endlessly amused that at one point he post control of the bike, took his feet off the pedals, forgot he had brakes, scared the hell out of me and somehow lost one shoe halfway down a hill.
The warm late autumn afternoon was picture perfect and bathed in that gently glowing light that you only get at this time of year. It was an absolutely perfect afternoon and the boys could not have been more thrilled with it all. I can't remember the last time I felt so content and at peace.
This morning, I had just started to back the car out of the garage when I heard a quiet 'thud' behind me. I thought about ignoring it, since it didn't sound serious and I was in a hurry, but I thought better of it and decided to check. It's lucky I did, as if I had reversed any further I would have run right over both of the boys' bikes.
If I had destroyed both bikes the day after having an almost perfect afternoon in the park, I might have concluded that every good thing is inevitably followed by something bad.
Clearly, I would have been wrong. Firstly, it wasn't inevitable, since I narrowly prevented it from happening. More importantly, the only conclusion I could have actually drawn if I had run over those bikes would have been that I am an idiot.
I realise that there is a limit to how far that analogy can be taken and applied to J's mindset. I'll let you draw your own conclusions about where that limit is.
Jo we have all had experiences that we can relate to yours. Mine is my sons footy, he is by no means the best player and is one of the smallest and perhaps slowest on the team though he tries as hard as the best of them. So what, when anyone contemplates taking him of the team his team mates rebel. Why, because no matter how bad he plays he brings a bright inteligent character to the team and they get more out of his positive attitude than his physical prowess they like him for who he is. So encourage your son regardless of how good he is, so long as he is having fun and trying his best, time will take care of the rest.
Attitude not apptitude will decide your altitude.
My father inlaw has a million of these one liners he trots out all the time. I am only now understanding how much relevance they have to real life.
I'm like you INC, I don't presuppose that just because one thing happens, another has to happen. However, J has told me that this is his experience with me, so I have to try and change it. It will be a real test this week. He's gone away for a few days and he'll be back on Sunday. I'm fighting hard not to spiral so that he can't say 'see, see what you do'. But it's a tough fight, one I have to see through. Thanks for all the insight folks.
See ya.
And as for my son, I think he'll get better as he gets older. I know he will and if he doesn't, well, I'll still love him regardless.
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