After 3 messages today enquiring about my whereabouts, I decided I should write today. It's lovely to be missed, I tell you, even if it is in cyberspace.
The week seems to have flown by. On top of all the usual things, mood swings and all, the following were added to my list of things to do:
The therapist:
My writing time has been taken up with writing to her. Not that I mind. It's just that it takes a long time to reply honestly and hence, something has to give. The verdict is not good. She says I should take a break sooner rather than later and that my moods, which are understandable, will not go away if I stay here. I knew that already. When I was in Australia for the long stay, I felt good for the most part. I felt bad about my daughter, but that was the ONLY thing I felt bad about. The rest was all good and I had a wonderful rest. At the end of the year I will do the same thing for 4 weeks instead of 4 months. I am not going home now. I will wait and I will conquer this. There has to be a way, I just haven't found it yet. I do think Eckhart Tolle is on the right track - disassociate from the ego and all that. I will read him again. It's strange, I haven't learned anything from her I didn't already know, with the exception of realising how much my life is guided by the fear I have of what will happen.
That was a major Aha! moment. The therapist asked me if I was afraid of ex. I'm not physically afraid of him, but it occurred to me that I live most of my life here afraid of what will happen in the future. That point, 2.8 years down the track when things will change forever and we will no longer be the family we are now. I'm dreading it, believe it or not. It's scary stuff. Even saying goodbye to ex seems scary. He's been a part of my life for so long, it's hard to imagine it without him. Doesn't that sound crazy? After all you've read about what I think of him here, you must think I'm nuts. But I can't dwell on that.
I must think positive, as many of my good friends tell me. The other thing I learned from her - well, got confirmation for - was that when I left last time for the reasons I did - I was doing the right thing. I know it made my daughter very angry and that later we may fight about it, but I hope she can understand that I needed to be with people who loved me and cared for me. I needed space and time away from a very difficult and emotionally fraught situation. I needed to find out who I was away from this situation and I needed to connect with my family, so that I could come back to her a better and stronger mother. That is what the therapist has told me to do now and she's given those exact reasons as to why I should do it.
But now is not the right time. Money issues aside, we all have commitments. The kids have school and I have my teaching. I can't take the time off because I have committed to these people. And the kids just can't take a month off from school, they'd fall so far behind. It's not like Australia where the curriculum is more open and flexible, these teachers follow textbooks like they're the law and if you miss a day or two or a week, you need to catch up by doing the extra work as homework.
No, it's not possible to come back now. I just need to do better and accept that in this situation, my severe mood swings will be a part of my life. I will take xanax and I will get by and it will pass, like it has every time. It's not my ideal life, but for the moment, it's the only life I have and until I fulfil my part of the agreement, that is not going to change.
In other matters, well, my dad is going to be OK. Yes he is. His doc told him that he has early stage 1 cancer on his kidney. They will remove the kidney and hence the problem. he will be OK. My family delayed telling me because they didn't want to upset me. Years ago, I would have been angry at them for not letting me know right away. Now I am grateful for their thoughtfulness and their strength, saying that I didn't need to come home, that he is going to be OK and that I shouldn't worry. Of course I'm going to worry, but I won't let it melt me down. He needs to know that I'm OK and that I'm coping well - that is how I can help him. So that is what I will do. And when his surgery draws nearer, in two weeks time I think, I will call him to cheer him on and make him laugh with silly stories about my son and the wonderful things my daughter comes out with.
So that's it for now. Weekend is coming. English class tomorrow, then piano for the kids and I must! take them for a haircut and I want to buy the dvd of Australia so I can sit and watch it in the late hours of Sat night and fall asleep in front of the tv, as I'm so fond of doing.
'Night
5 comments:
You really have articulated your position so well.
Your post has in these few paragraphs summersied your situation, outlook, emotional considerations and constraints so well.
This appeared to me to be an exceptionally well considered post, written without the drama that could so easily have coloured the whole post.
Interesting that when I read (and re read) your post you did more than infer that “effectively the therapist has agreed with you, your thoughts and your actions in returning to Australia” and allowing you to recuperate. The therapist seems to condone what you did and why you did it!
Is that correct?
In what areas has she disagreed with you or does she not do that?
This post was considered and so well written. 9.5 out of 10 is better than a pass mark teacher.
Sorry if this is a repost the last did not appear to go through.
Thank you for your nice words Mr S.
I guess she did condone it. When I read her reply to me I saw that she just came up with the same solution to my situation as I did and for all the exact same reasons. And she does disagree with me - she doesn't agree that I should wait to come home. She thinks I should go now. But I can't go now, not even for a month, for all the reasons I specified - I have to consider my kids and my other commitments here.
Sorry to hear about your dad, Jo. I must have missed something, I read the last post but didn't think you mentioned his health. Anyway glad they say it's early stages, he'll get good treatment and lots of good looking after. It's a tough road but your parents seem strong people. You certainly are.
Interesting about the therapist. Often they do just seem to corroborate your decisions, which is a good thing to do, it's affirming and positive. it is a scary thing to contemplate making such big changes. Can I ask, how can you be sure J will honour the commitment to let you come back with the two kids in 2.8 years (where does the figure come from? Is that when little J will start secondary school?)
All the best, hugs. Now to read the other post.
xxx
Melba,
I can't be sure J will honour his committment. In fact, what he actually said was, "give me another 3 years." I took that to mean that he would let them come with me in three years. Later he added "Then we'll ask them what they want to do and make the decision for them". Other things he's said are "you can't just make an arbitrary decision. We need to plan for it to make something like this happen". It's actually not a committment at all - is it? But I can't think about it. I have to put all my positive energies out there into willing that they will want to come with me. That's part of what sustains me in all this. But truly, I don't know what will happen. When the time comes nearer, I will have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best - and hope that his sense prevails when it comes to their educational opportunities - which may not happen. Makes me sick just thinking about it.
PS - 2.8 years = 2 years and 8 months to go until that 3 year mark is up.
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