The last time I was feeling really shitty was around mid-April. Since then, I've been making my way back up to 'normal and stable', where I like to be. In a recent post, I said it had been 4 weeks and counting since I'd felt bad - not so I'm afraid. It's only been 16 days. It feels like 4 weeks. However, before that it, would have been mid-march where I was crying, thinking the worst about everything and wanting to leave.
It's gotten better since then, as it always seems to. A few things have changed. I'm trying to be more active - walking 3 times a week in the morning with friends, swimming with the kids on weekends and doing a bit more housework. Ringing my family and friends more often. And of course, not worrying too much about what ex is thinking or doing.
And this week, I'm taking a chance on something. I've written a letter to an old friend, asking him to contact me if he feels inclined. He's still single and according to my mum, who I think has been wanting me to do this for ages, is a lovely guy (and no, he's not gay). I haven't seen him for about 25 years, since I was 14 or so and still oh-so-awkward with boys. It would be nice to catch up with him, see how his life's been. I'm thinking having another friend wouldn't hurt either, if we do getting chatting via email or something.
Got a lovely surprise from my therapist today who seems to think I'm so positive and sorted out that I can already take a break from our sessions. She did a clever thing and without me realising it (until today) tested my convictions by playing devil's advocate. She put up every scenario possible to see how I'd react and of course I reacted strongly, putting up all the reasons I have for staying here and how, even though I want to, I just cannot leave - as I've said in the previous posts. It feels surprisingly good to be validated by a professional.
Her words:
You've come such a long way since your first email/session. You really have.
Everything you said in your most recent reply had strength, determination and validity. Not once did you mention you were doing what you need to do for your ex - you are doing it for you and your children. Like a good loving mother would.
(I hadn't thought about it like this before - I'm doing this for my children - which I knew - and for me - something I didn't know. I'm keeping this commitment I made for me, so that I can look back and know I did everything I knew how so that the kids could enjoy the benefits of having both parents around.)
You have so much to give, haven't you, and your energies are tied up in your devotion to a commitment you feel you should not break. You are indeed stronger than you give yourself credit for at times.
(Devotion to a commitment... hadn't thought about it quite like that either. That's a good way to look at it, kind of like standing up for your convictions, which I didn't ever really think I did. That's gotta be good.)
...you are a very capable individual, a very determined woman and I believe that now I have thrown at you, nearly every possibility of what could or might happen you have processed many possibilities, put them into perspective and thought them through logically. What more can you expect of yourself - especially under strained circumstances. You came up with such positively courageous answers to my questions and comments that there is no doubt that given a crisis, you would manage.
(... determined, logical, courageous - three terms I wouldn't usually use to describe myself, but here they are, in black and white. And... I can't expect much more of myself... good to know - perhaps at times I'm unrealistic of what I can or should be doing. Maybe what I am doing is more than enough...)
talking about back up plans... Dont discard that, always have them in the back of your mind but in doing so, don't let them prevent you from fulfilling the obligation you have decided to stick with. Even that should give you strength - the fact that you can function quite well knowing things are not perfect. As you said, things are also not all that bad.
You will manage a lot better because you have already thought so many things through, already had the devils advocate test your thoughts and you already had the answers - within. They've been brought to the surface with responses which show you are capable of putting them into perspective and dealing with them if required.
Now, this is nice to read/hear about myself. The answers were always there. I HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWERS - I'M RIGHT - I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. So. good. to. hear. I did know that though, because I've written some of the same stuff in the blog. So, why do I feel better hearing it from her? I've heard it said that we value things more when we pay for them. That could be the reason. Or that because she's a professional, it's got more weight coming from her.
Oh well, I'm not going to over analyse it. But I am pleased. It makes me feel saner and of course my ego is relieved to know finally, that I am doing something right.
Of course, the moods will still happen but it's a small price to pay, knowing that my kids are getting what they need - both parents, which is something deep down, I already knew.
PS. I'm smiling tonight because today, I feel like the smart kid in the class, the one who's passed the test with an A. I'm not bragging but I haven't felt 'smart' for a very long time and damn, it feels good.
7 comments:
I wonder if this was the break through point we were talking about back when you were last in Oz?
Mind you there was no one here that suspected that you were not “the smart kid in the class, the one who's passed the test with an A.”
“It feels good” and so it should.
Perhaps it is the breakthrough point, but I never know. All I can do is accept that it is what it is and only time will tell.
Well that's fantastic Jo. I had wondered why she was saying you should come back. I thought that was a little odd. But she has been clever indeed. Must be hard in a way to counsel via email, without the face to face thing. They must have different "tricks". Of course all those things she said about you we also have, but she's a professional and like you said, it probably holds more weight when she says it.
I can't tell you how pleased I am for you. You are strong, determined and courageous. Not many people could achieve what you manage, you have to believe that. Unfortunately, strong people can cope with alot and then often do. They do't give up easily and don't get knocked over as easily as others. Their strength can also be a disadvantage in that they go through a lot more. But truly well done. Keep it up. Exercise and activity always help to make us feel better as well. That's something I've been slack with recently. I shall take inspiration from you!
xxx
sorry i double posted somehow and so deleted.
x
Like all of us you are weaving yourself through the maze of life making decisions according to what you believe is best. If this path helps you then I am estatic, for i get joy from your successes, conversly i also anguish over your trials and tribulations. We all have them they are just different. This affirms that you are able to make right decisions and come to correct conclusions. It is how you react to them that determins your life.
Love Pete
Just wanted you to know that i may not respond as much as the others but I am here.
Thanks Pete. Love Jo
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