Well, well, well, here I am, way on the other side of Saturday, the shittiest day for me in a long time. It started off OK, I got through 'the English class', dropped the kids off at piano and when I came home, the world came crashing down around my ears. And I still don't have any idea why. It was the 'spiral' coming to get me. All the bad feelings I've had in the past, the resentments, the anger and frustration all there together in one big bucketload of shit, sitting there in my gut, hit me as a walked in through the door.
I knew what it was. I went to my room and lay down. There was a pain in my head, yet I didn't have a headache. At that point, I probably should have taken xanax, but I didn't. I forced myself to think about other things. Kids, teaching, Adam Lambert, visa -- hah, my mind grabbed on to that. My visa needs renewing and I needed to talk to ex about it - NOW! That would do it, I thought, a distraction and this would go away.
I went, we talked, I thought I was being normal, he agreed to and with everything I said straight away and he left. I lay down on the couch and felt around in my head to see if the spiral was still there. It was. In the distance, I heard a loud "ok" coming from ex's room. I couldn't make sense of it, so let it sit for a few minutes and then went and asked him "did you just shout something?" No he said, he didn't. OK I said and went to my room again to lie down. The tension was palpable. I went to my computer. I needed more distractions. He came in, knocking politely before he did so. "What" I snapped, and then more gently "Sorry, what's up?" I did say something he said, but it was a good few minutes before you came and asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd picked up on my 'bad vibes' and got this awful feeling about him and while he tried to ignore it, he couldn't and so he needed to calm himself down - hence the shouting, but it was a full 5 minutes before I'd asked him about it, that why he'd said, no, I didn't JUST say anything. My mood made him shudder he said and brought back a lot of old, bad memories. I know, I said, it's scaring the hell out of me, I've worked so hard and here it is, sitting in my head like a bucket full of shit and I don't know what to do with it. I was so scared, it was all so horribly familiar. We talked it through, he said it will pass, I agreed, but I've got to go through it first. He says he has feelings like this too, when he's sad and lonely and sometimes angry and he tries to listen to motivational tapes or read to help him through it. I'm not the only one going through this, was his message.
He gets angry at me sometimes when the kids are with me in my room, like I'm trying to hide them away from him. I can't help it that they want to come to me and I often tell them to go spend time with papa, but they don't want to. It's not my fault. I let him speak but then told him this later on because I thought it important that he know that I'm not trying to work against him. I'm actually working very hard at making it easier for him by spending more time in my room and giving him the space to spend time with the kids on his own. I can't help it if he doesn't always take that opportunity and prefers to sleep or watch 'man' tv (history channel, war movies, military shows, golf and news).
Meltdowns, spirals, what ever you want to call them, come as a package, I've come to realise. First there is anger (I hate this place and situation), then there is resentment (you are keeping me here and I hate you for it), then there is frustration and jealousy (why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) and then there's the longing to reconcile (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?) because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business. I lament what could have been... In the course of our words, he mentioned that I'd changed so much - nice little acknowledgment. I thought, so has he - he's not as critical and more tolerant of my mistakes. He lets a lot of things go, which is a big deal for him as far as I'm concerned. It's strange to think, but 'we' are better than we've ever been.
After the horrendous afternoon, which was in fact, just one hour, we ended up taking the kids for lunch together and then coming home. I'd promised the kids a swim in the afternoon and so took them, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. They swam and I sat out and wrote in my notebook, thankful for them being occupied for the next 45 minutes. I don't want to waste my thoughts so I'll write it again here.
"Blogging without a blog"
I'm at the pool with the kids, a coolish breeze blowing and an ultralight aircraft buzzing in the background. I'm sitting on the sidelines today, a rare thing for me, as I prefer to be in the water.
But not today. Today I need space from them (the kids) and their fights, their tantrums and grumpy faces, their pointy elbows which stick into my sides at the most annoying moments. I even need space from the touches and smiles, and silly, little jokes because I cannot enjoy them. I just need space for this mood to clear. And what a mood it turned out to be. That sick angry feeling was back. It's so scary. I tried to put it away - no good. The anguish pulled at me and my head hurt. The worry overwhelmed me...
That's when my kid's friends mother turned up. I know her a bit, so was obliged to chat and make happy. It was a good distraction. I like her and she speaks English well. Her two daughters attend my English class on Saturday mornings - indeed, it was at her request that I started this class in the first place, for which I am now rather grateful, given the benefits it gives me.
I saw the rest of the weekend out in 'recovery mode' - lying low, taking care of myself and the kids. We made Cowboy cookies together and had a nice supper on Sunday night for Father's day. Cookies and milo for 4. It was good.
It's Monday night now. I'm listening to Paul Potts (blogging music) and going to bed to read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought I'd tackle this because I've finished the books I bought and couldn't find anything else at the library. The library here is not good, though they try. They have copious copies of the English classics, but modern novels are rare or maybe they're all borrowed (lent?) out. I'm finding Great Expectations a challenging read because of the old style language and spelling and I can't help but think other people here would have more trouble than me. It's been borrowed out twice before, I wonder how the other people got on with it. I was ready to put it down after two pages, but I forced myself to push through and I'm determined to finish the damn thing.
At least it will keep me occupied and perhaps help keep those nasty moods away.
5 comments:
These are normal reactions Jo as far as I can see.
You said …(I hate this place and situation) this is a reasonable reaction.
You said …(you are keeping me here and I hate you for it) …this is surely a consequence of the first and it is not J keeping you there it is a decision YOU made.
You said …(why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) …a human response and it is a common emotion.
and then (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?)
You were the one to summerise it when you said………
Because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business.
I lament what could have been...
I think we all understand Jo and as much as we wish we are limited to providing these damned emails.
Had the four of you been in Australia I suspect the depression and “black thoughts” may have been happening with J.
Single parenting is not easy, single parenting in another country is harder and although you are not a single parent (because J still helps) you are close to it with and without immediate family support.
Stay well Jo.
Thanks Mr Scorpio.
"…this is surely a consequence of the first and it is not J keeping you there it is a decision YOU made."
I did make this decision, but when I'm in this mode, I just HATE that I had to make the decision in the first place. The right thing to do, is not always the thing we WANT to do. I want to be home but for now, the right thing to do by my children is to be here.
(sigh)
x
Hey Jo. You say "The right thing to do, is not always the thing we WANT to do."
Someone wise once said to me, and I've read it elsewhere as well, that the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. Or the choice we don't want to pick, if often the correct one.
This is life. It's hard.
I hope you're feeling a little better.
Ah yes “Great Expectations” another of those books I endured as a young man.
I have to say that as a very young child I was actually frightened in some ways by these books.
I perceived (taken in) by some very dark issues associated with these books including “David Copperfield” and “Oliver Twist”.
“Great Expectations” I did not find difficult to read because of the language used.
It was the mistreatment of Pip by Estella's and her horrid relationship with her guardian Miss Havisham, the way the kindness of Pips benefactor contributed to his death in prison these issues made it heavy for me.
Yes it is different now after all these years…almost.
Now I can appreciate the plots, the psychology and scheming. What I cannot overcome completely even after all these years is the “darkness” involved with the books. For all the good natured, well meaning characters, kind folk portrayed and presented there was a darkness surrounding the society at the time the books were written.
Looking back perhaps I was too young and lacked the guidance necessary to appreciate these books that are all brilliantly written.
None of those three books are included in my bedtime reading though I assure you.
Now the “Skunk Works” by B.R. Rich and L. Janos is another matter. I could not put this book down. It covers the two decades at Lockhead during the “Cold War” when Rich was the head of Lockheads “Skunk Works”.
While it lacks the well written fictional genius of “Great Expectations” it took me on an easy to read, technically accurate walk through recent aviation history including the Francis Gary Powers events and what it meant to the Lockhead Corporation.
Fact vs fiction, reality v’s Miss Havisham, technical design, the genius behind the U-2, the Blackbird and the F-117 Stealth fighter shows where Mr Scorpio’s interest lays.
Best wishes to all.
I am feeling a little better, thanks Melba.
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