There's a rather ugly river of thoughts streaming through the deeper recesses of my mind. These are the thoughts that so often got me into trouble in days gone past. Even though I'm doing well, these thoughts still exist if I indulge them. Now I've learned to put them away and focus on more constructive things, they no longer demand the attention they once did. I can function now and not even notice them, whereas they used to dominate most of my waking hours and indeed, some of the sleeping ones - poisoning everything I touched, making me angry and resentful.
There's no doubt that these awful thoughts come to light when ex does something that I think is stupid, thoughtless or even just away from us. My mind screams "it's not fair". Like when he's away, as he is at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing about them, indulgent as it seems to be.
A friend mentioned to me once that single parenting thing is hard and that two accessible parents are better than one. I think that she's right and I often think about that point when I feel like I want to come home. The things is though, I'm doing 90% of the parenting myself anyhow! I take care of the kids basic needs for food, bathing and medical. I play with them, solve their problems, mediate their arguments, take them out, take them on holidays so they have fun, deal with their homework and ferry them around. I take them out for dinner and even to their grandmother's so that they can visit her. I talk to them, read with them, sit with them, comfort them and make cookies with them, even when I don't feel like it. If I go to my room for some time to myself, I inevitably end up with the both of them hanging out with me while ex is outside watching tv or in his room. They also come to work with me, when ex is out of town. So my point at this stage is, WTF am I doing here??????????????????????????
If I focus on this, the anger boils up and I get angry really quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, the crabbiness from the last two days is probably these thoughts pushing themselves to the surface, clambering to be noticed and acknowledged. You know how it is when something that needs to be acknowledge, gets ignored? It'll manifest itself in other ways so that you just can't ignore it. So here we are.
So, alright then, I know I'm not really happy with this situation and I wish ex would step up to the plate more. He does sometimes and when he does, I make a point of noticing. However, if I were him, in this situation, I'd be a little more involved. But I'm me and I can't control him. And I don't want to speak to him about it either. It's his decision, his choice. As it stands, I'll still keep my commitment to stay and not run off. I'll go back to Australia for a holiday and enjoy the hell out of myself (drinks anyone?) and come back here for another year of schooling. I'll try to do what works and keep myself stable and not jeopardise the good work I've done. I'll teach and do a good job at it. I'll read more, blog more and above all, keep watching Adam Lambert (American Idol, runner up) because that man, gay as he is, makes me forget all the shitty thoughts in my head. Who knew that eye-liner could look so good on a guy? LOL.
it's 2.36am. Time to sleep, except that now I'm hungry. Night all.
2 comments:
I go away from your site for a few days and come back to all these well written posts.
They are nearly all heart felt; there are things that fluctuate from the lighthearted through to the age old parenting questions and what if’s.
Then out of that same erudite oven comes that one about cooking. Yes, I have been amazed over the years where someone can whip up a four level, delicious meal seemingly from half an egg plant, two cloves of garlic and a dash of olive oil.
OK the meal usually came with a garnish of two or three bottles of Langhorn Creek Red BUT it all seemed to come together.
Methinks that this same garnish has also been used by parenting couples to assist in bringing up their children on the odd occasion.
When you arrive back in “civilization” it will be our treat to serve one meal (minus the egg plant etc).
It seems here in Oz people are no longer entirely besotted by those CSI crime shows. These (on some nights) can almost be replaced by cooking shows simply by changing channel.
What these cooks manage to achieve is astounding.
It appears that when we are being formed (formulated?) we are given a skill somewhere within ourselves. For some lucky few an aptitude for cooking is ladled upon them.
A luckier few again manage to discover this skill.
Here are some thoughts "Wine is sunlight, held together by water" Galileo ok nothing to do with cooking I just like Galileo. For us on a diet “Stressed spelled backwards is desserts”.
I think it's important to acknowledge the feelings, Jo, and the resentments. You can let them out for a trot around, nod at them, or tell them you can see them, hear them, but they must obey you, you are in charge, and then put them away again.
Truth is, no matter how much you feel you are doing all the parenting, really being on your own, with him in another country, only then will you know what it is to be a single parent. There's nothing quite like it in your life at the moment. It's another level. Believe me.
Having said that, of course I would never say to stay in a situation that is so damaging for you and/or the kids.
I think this latest thing will pass, as all the others have.
Will see you for drinks and goodtimes when you come back. We are looking for a house so can have you over if we have more space!!
X
Post a Comment