Mindfulness and inner spirit

Everyday, I think about putting stuff in this blog, just so that I can remember what I thought about during the day. The commentary that goes around in my head about my comings and goings sounds like a blog entry inside my head, yet I'm never quite able to repeat it when I do sit down to write stuff down.

Tuesday came and ex got home around 8-ish. He'd gotten the flu while he was away and wasn't feeling well, so went to bed about an hour later and stayed there til late next morning. Not much different than his normal pattern of behaviour when he comes home from a few days away. He seems more relaxed now - he should be. Even though I didn't feel anxious or anything, I couldn't sleep that night. I was up til 6 am and only slept after that for about an hour. I tried to smile a bit when he arrived back, but it feels so forced and awkward. I'm not really happy to see him, though the kids were and I suppose that's what matters.

I know I could be a lot nicer to him - smile more, do more for him but for me to do that would mean an emotional investment that I'm just not willing to make - I mean, for me to act warmly towards another person, I need to feel it and I can't afford to feel warm or anywhere close to warm about him. I'd go to pieces if it wasn't reciprocated, so I need to keep us at a stand-offish level. It's the only way I can cope with him not being in my life anymore.

On another topic, he mentioned mindfulness today - mindfulness is a level of awareness that you can achieve if you step back from your ego and become one with whatever you are doing at the moment. Like if you are playing a sport, then you are totally there, not thinking about other things or anything in the future. You are positive and not holding onto anger and resentments and things around you fall into place. He asked if I'd heard of it. Definitely I said, I read about it about 18 months ago after I came back. Mindfulness is another term for living in the 'now'. Don't think about the past or future, all you have is now. Eckhart Tolle's writes about it in great detail and how to achieve it. If you can, it's a very low stress way to live - things are as they are, neither good nor bad and all we have is now, so focus on it 100%. When I am happy and stable, this is the mindset I have. I couldn't have gotten this far without it. On one of the Borderline Personality Disorder sites, they outline what it is to be mindful and recommend that people with BPD strive to achieve it. I'd recommend it to everyone as it's very helpful in dealing with that underlying dissatisfaction that so many people seem to have these days. It's also about connecting with the spirit we all have inside of us and appreciating each moment for what it is.

When I am happy and stable, I can feel this spiritual connection inside of me and from that comes the happiness, that I so desparately crave. When I say spirit, I don't mean God, though for some people, they would call it that. I mean your own spirit, the 'energy' that sends out vibes to the universe - an invisible energy that we all have, whether you acknowledge it or not. A positive spirit will attract more of the same and a negative one will drive people away from you and generate anger and resentment. Happiness is never connected to how much money you have or the things that you have, that I definitely know. I've had money (sort of), driven a luxury car, lived in beautiful places and was never as at peace with myself as I am now.

Mindfulness and this inner energy are the first abstract ideas I've ever really believed in. I'm a practical and logical person (though ex would question the logical part). I believe in science, not religion and I've always doubted the existence of a 'God' as such. We were always told as kids that God was watching all the things we did and I never liked that idea. Not at all. And I find it hard to believe in something that's so.... well... not there. Where's the proof?

I've got my own proof about my inner energy though. I've seen it at work, felt its effects and even taught my kids about it. If you have a positive energy about things, good things will come. That I know. I've seen it work on a superficial level, where I've been thinking about someone and suddenly they are calling me or sending me a message. And I've seen it work on a deeper level, where, in the same situation, I can be desparately unhappy one day and perfectly normal the next, depending on how mindful I am and whether I am willing my spirit to be positive or not.

If my spirit is positive, my kids are settled and things flow smoothly. I am a good teacher and a good mother, a good person. I am focussed, organised, secure and confident and I like myself this way. I am a better person all round, something I could never have said about myself previously. Even though I still have meltdowns (don't like myself when I do), I feel like I've 'fixed' that part of myself, the part that felt so broken, for so many years. Through the reading I've done, with ex's encouragement and support (and he has been there for this part), through the research, I was able to step back and look at those 'broken' parts and pick up the pieces and put them back together, albeit in a different way. And through it all, though it's been painful and really shitty at times, I know it's made me a much stronger person than I would have been otherwise.

Oprah said it so well when she said that "the worst, most painful moments of your life are those your holiest moments". What she means is that you will learn from the pain, the hard times and though I wouldn't have believed her 3 years back, I sure as hell believe her now. She says to aks ourselves, "what is your life teaching you know?" Sitting in the pain of a situation (like that of a significant loss), we get the opportunity to find out who we really are - are we going to look up and move on and hope or are we going to dive down and never recover?

Of course, though I can talk about it, I can't always do it - if I could, the meltdowns would never happen. It's ironic that I can know a topic so well, yet be unable to fully live it, though my guess is that I'm still learning and it's all a part of the journey. If I could step back and be mindful, with a positive spirit, I'd be able to feel warm feelings towards ex and it wouldn't matter if they were reciprocated or not. I still have a lot to learn though.

I remember my Dad being worried that this 'situation' would destroy me. I know now, though I didn't before, that it won't. There is more pain to come, that I know and not only for me, but for all four of us. But we will get through the pain and it will fade and we'll emerge on the other side of it, stronger in character and in the belief of ourselves. That is how I want to deal with it and how I want to teach my kids to deal with it. No matter what happens. To survive with any hope for a good life at all, it is how we will need to deal with it. It will hurt, there's no doubt about that, but we will get through it.

And if we can deal with this in a positive way, then we can deal with anything.