It never feels like it will pass, but it always does. Always. Every time. Ex left for his time away and I was OK - no spiralling, no bad mood. Nothing.
I don't know what brought the spiral on, but when ex asks, I always say "it's the same thing, it's everything.", because I don't really know. The online counsellor agrees. I'd emailed her mid-crisis because I didn't know what else to do and she seems to think it's those issues coming up for a re-hash because I'm yearning for another life. I know it's true. I think all of you could have said the same thing. I know it is. But if I don't focus on the present, I spiral. If I think of the future, I spiral. If I think about the past, I spiral. If I think about this day, this hour, these kids, this meal, this teaching session, I don't spiral.
In the meantime, life goes on. Chores need to be done, meals cooked, kids picked up. English taught. This time I tried to stay on track with my commitments. Usually I cancel classes but this time I was determined not to. And for the most part, I stuck to it.
I wrote to the online counsellor and she replied telling me to see my doctor right away. I couldn't get to do that because I had commitments to keep and he wasn't around on the other days. My doctor here is a brilliant man, gentle and caring and I trust him. But he'll just talk to me and tell me to take xanax if it gets really bad, which is just about all he can do.
I don't think I need therapy anyway, I just think I need to get out of here. I'm sure you'd all agree. I was not like this when I went home in 07. This is not me. I am better than this. I can do better, I just need to be home and getting on with my life - as I said above.
So it's on with life again. I took the kids to Malacca yesterday and we had a good, but tiring, day out. We shopped, browsed, ate and relaxed and my boy could take his time to finish his lunch. My girl scored a new headband, shoes on sale, a brain-teaser book and a few other things that were not on the shopping list. We went to the bakery and ate french-inspired pastry (well made too) and bought the cutest little loaf of grain bread you've ever seen.
We bought meat - 5 packets of Australian, low fat, export-quality minced beef, salmon steaks, fish fillets, a few packets of clean, chopped chicken pieces, ham and yes, bacon! I'd filled the esky with ice cubes in the morning and when we'd finished buying up, I stored our lovely, meaty purchases in there while we went around and had a bit of fun - played at the games centre, played with the toy shop toys, read books at the book shop and looked and browsed and looked some more.
Going home, tired but with new Daughtry CD to relax and rock to, we got caught in a traffic jam thanks to the local traffic authority who decided to conduct a road block in peak hour traffic. Well done boys, you looked like you were having fun, smiling and waving every car on, so why the hell were you blocking the road anyhow!
The rest of the drive home was Ok though, once we'd cleared the block. Both kiddies slept a while so it was very peaceful. We arrived safely home at 6.30 and went to mother-in-laws for dinner at 7.10. She seemed pleased to see us and then we followed that with a visit to the cousin's place where we had another nice visit (we haven't been there in months. Nice day.
Tomorrow, ex gets back. I told him he shouldn't rush home, that we are OK and he should stay awhile if he wants. He doesn't understand why his presence adds to the probability of me having a meltdown. Good god man, you've been part of my life for the last 19 years and now you are not. Now, I am just an arrangement to you, your children's mother, someone to cook and clean the house (yes I know I don't have to, but I do). For all his awareness and knowledge, he really is clueless sometimes - sometimes, not always, but yes, definitely sometimes.
So it's off to bed. It's been a big day. Before blogging, I had a dose of Adam Lambert performing at the idol tour in the US, courtesy of adamlambertobsessed.blogpot.com. Wow, that man can perform - jaw dropping stuff. It struck me as i was watching that because he didn't win, he's not the last performer on stage. Kris Allen (who won the AI title) is. He's so much softer and has the stage presence of well, nothing really (though I do like his voice), not next to Adam anyway. So for him to come after Adam had performed 4 or 5 amazing songs (Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love being one of them) with all his flair and glam rock get-up, it must be a bit of an anti-climax for the audience. I think I'd just get up and leave after Adam did his thang - and what a thang he does - those hips (OMG the hips - he was so tame during his American Idol stint), those eyes, that voice - honestly the best thing to come along in a very long time. Love it.
Time to dream. Mmmmmmm....
2 comments:
I was tempted to post these thoughts by paragraph in a Scorpio way of course.
It seems that you have almost come to terms with the emotional aspects of J leaving you and the kids at the weekends. This was one thing in the past that "set you off" almost immediately.
To be able to contact someone like this on line counsellor at short notice must be a marvellous help. This “yearning” you wrote about I feel confident is the cause of your “spiralling”. I agree that in your situation if you concentrate on any thing other than the immediate issues at hand life may seem depressing. The reality is that the next two years are likely to be more of the same. When you immerse yourself (someone elses’ troubles) you are either skirting your personal situation or starting to cope with it, I wonder which it is? I suspect coping better. Either way this “spiralling”does not appear.
Is it that you are becoming more confident, secure, even perhaps more sure of your situation? Virtually no cancelling of classes, determined not to…all seem to point in a positive direction.
When your on line counsellor feels troubled to the point of telling you to “see the doctor right away” she must have detected a change in your demeanour. Please heed her counsel where possible.
The ideal situation would not have you in your current situation, we all know that, it is terrific if we can get away on a holiday from time to time so I guess Christmas must be a pleasant thought.
A day out may not be a holiday it does seem to be an agreeable interlude for you though.
I read this paragraph three times and have yet to define what a “cute loaf of bread” would look like. A Scorpio would have provided measurements and accurate ones at that!
The next three paragraphs sound pleasant if somewhat exhausting.
Three paragraphs of warm emotions followed by a paragraph of warning signals. Hmm.
Keep smiling Jo as there are a lot of caring people here.
Jo of course things will get out of hand occasionally.
It is a very difficult situation. No one on this blog would doubt that.
As that old saying goes “no woman is an island” (apologies to Mrs John Donne)
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