Meltdown trigger

I think the thing that frustrates me the most is the different view of our past that we had and still have. It's a non-resolvable issue, that I know. He sees our past a "blanket of misery" - the whole damn thing was miserable for him and seemingly, not one good thing has come of it - and it's my fault because he always had to fight for what he wanted. Of course, I don't remember it that way. For me, there are pockets of happiness for both of us and I've got the photos to prove it. We did a lot of good things together. I remember them. I was there too.

That's why I can't understand why it was all bad for him. How he can wipe off 18 years of his life with me and say 'it was a waste!'. Of all the things he's said to me, and many of them have been hurtful, this one hurts the most.

I want to scream at him "WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE THEN?" But he's loyal, dedicated and persistent when it comes to 'fixing' things (me) and sees this line of thinking as a huge betrayal on my part. Also, he thought being miserable with me was going to be his lot in life, that's why he never made a move to go. He just thought it was going to be like that. I find it difficult to believe, but there it is. He told me so. He had nothing, he said, just misery. I'll never forget the pained look on his face when he told me this.

Whenever I'm reminded of the above, it's a sure trigger for a meltdown, as it was this past week. The pain that comes with realising that he will never remember our good times is, at times, just too much. And I know I'm being indulgent here. I know that people go through so much more than this. But in my tiny world, the pain of this is hard to let go of. In my mind, I scream, I rage, I wonder, I cry and I'm full of anger and resentment. And the only thing for it is to let it go, because his perspective is never going to change. But letting go is damn hard.

The thing I'm grateful for is that I saved us from completely destroying ourselves, because that was the direction we were headed in. I knew it wasn't going to get any better, I knew we HAD to separate. I knew I would never survive another month longer in the situation we were in. So I used my strength to take the only path possible, the only thing we hadn't tried, even though it hurt like hell. I did it. We wouldn't be where we are today (very civil, functional family-type situation) if I'd never uttered those words "I want a separation". I know he probably sees it as taking the easy way out but it was really hard to stand up to him and say it and not be talked out of it. I stood my ground and for me, I know that I wouldn't have grown up the way I did if we'd stayed together.

(More self indulgent rubbish) I've done more growing in the past 2 years than in any other period of my adult life. I went from being a whiney, resistant 20 year old (at 40 chronological years), to being a grown up woman who knows what she wants, all in the space of about 2 years (post long stay in Aust, til now). Yep, I know I still have meltdowns. But now I know I'm having them and I know they are part of me and my life, and that my situation exacerbates them - but I've still grown up and I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now. And I know the journey doesn't end. I'll never be 'there', because there is no place to be.

I was afraid to do the growing up part, afraid of looking at myself and accepting that there were parts of me that I didn't like. I resisted the things ex said about me for so long, yet when I eventually did let go and started thinking and looking, I came through it. Eckhart Tolle says that once you stop resisting and begin to accept, you find more peace in your life and things begind to come to you. Nowadays I would never swap the current 'me' for the 'me' of years ago. I really get it when people say "I wouldn't be 20 again for anything" - I definitely wouldn't.

Ex says he sees a lot of changes, but I'm not sure that he does - and I don't care anymore. I'm glad to be out of a marriage where I was so miserable and felt so broken. I don't know how we lived like we did for so long. He says now that I do things better, yes, but here's the catch. He says"For every 1 thing I tell you about (meaning telling me how I could do something better or what I'm doing wrong) there are 90 to 100 things I don't tell you". 90 - 100 - the sheer number makes my head spin. Argggh, the pressure. He doesn't understand why I think he's looking over my shoulder all the time. Do you?

And he's told me this before, in the past, when we were married. I could never imagine saying something like that to someone I was supposed to love and support. He doesn't see why it would be so hurtful. I wonder if I am the one being sensitive. Hearing that line again makes me certain that I would never want a marriage relationship with him again, no matter what I pine for when I'm melting down. This one line says it all to me: I will never meet his standards - and it makes me certain that when I did what I did, it was the right thing to do.