The day started off really badly. The kids were being like kids are apt to be - annoying, rebellious, and refusing to eat anything on offer, wanting instead other things that they weren't willing to tell me about (because they knew I'd say no).
Soooo.... I lost it. When my daughter opened the fridge mumbling under her breath, I got so angry I pulled her away by her arm and told her to go to her room and then realised I was over-reacting. I let her go and she and her brother went to their room and I went to mine. The anger I felt was in no way justified. Of course I felt awful, guilty and absolutely horrible. I'm definitely not a great role model for controlling my anger, the fact of which often comes up as a bone of contention between me and my daughter (I'm allowed to shout, why isn't she). The last time I pulled her like this, I ended up going on anti-depressants. Not this time though. I know they won't really help and it's not the solution. Mindfulness and presence in the Now are the solutions to this situation - they are just more difficult to achieve.
I was calming down on my bed when heard a soft knock at the door. I knew it was her coming to apologise, but I wasn't ready to face them. So angry, but not at them. At myself, mostly for letting myself get trapped into this situation and for not being able to control myself. Because it's not them, it's never them that are the cause of my anger. They just trigger it. It's not their fault. A little later, I went and got them and we sat, huddled on my bed wiping up tears, crying some more and using up yet more tissues. They do love their mummy so much, I can feel that coming from them. They were also upset that I was upset and my daughter, being mature beyond her years did her best to tell me to let it go, it's going to be OK and that this will pass and we'll be alright.
My daughter was also upset because my son had voiced his anger at me with particularly harsh words saying under his breath that "someday I'm going to kill mummy". Now I know as much as any parent that this is just anger coming to the surface and that we shouldn't take any notice, but... that doesn't stop if from being shocking and hurtful. On the bed, he said he wanted to leave so I told him that I understand why and that we should go pack his bags so that he can leave today. The look on my daughter's face was one of complete horror until I silently told her not to worry, I knew what I was doing. I wanted to make him cry, to get his emotion out because until then, he'd been quiet, only glaring at me through squinted eyes. It worked when he realised that he didn't really want to go and the tears came spilling out. And so to the hugs and tissues again. We sat there for 20 minutes, talking it out and then, because we were all hungry, had a picnic of cheese and crackers and chocolate milk on the floor of my room.
The rest of the day played out well enough. My sister in law came with two of her kids for a rare visit which was really pleasant. Her oldest (14) who's being an absolute pain to her parents because she hates school and won't stay there, enjoyed playing with our Playdough set, of all things. Mind you, our Playdough set is really good - we have the pasta extruder with all the little molds to make vegetables and condiments, and we have the ice-cream maker which is just a wizz at turning out playdough sundaes and icecreams. I've always loved Playdough as a toy for kids and the equipment you get with it is of a far better quality than what it used to be.
Later this evening, ex got up in time to go get us some dinner, which was a real change. I'd spoken to him earlier saying I'd cook noodles for lunch and I don't know what for dinner and he said never mind, we'll ta-pau (tar-pow, in chinese is take-away). So I sort of brushed it aside, thinking I'll probably end up doing it anyway, as I do most times. But right on 6.00 he came out of his room dressed and ready to go get dinner. Just 30 minutes before that, he'd been fast asleep.
Afterwards, I made sure that something good should be followed with something better and made brownies with the kids before putting them to bed (after having the said brownies for supper).
By bedtime, the kids had forgotten about the morning incident and were laughing and happy. Lovely, lovely kids who are excited about this weeks up-coming birthdays (daughter's tomorrow and son's on Friday) and who don't mind telling their grateful mother that she smells like 'stunk'!
Now to go shower and brush teeth!!!
'Night
No comments:
Post a Comment