Jilian is my daughter, big brown eyes, lovely thick brown hair and coffee-coloured skin, she is bright, funny and has been older than her years since the day she was born.
As mother and daughter, we are close, but sometimes the boundaries are blurred and we are more like friends - such as when we are reading together or doing some other activity that we both enjoy. I love her to pieces, of course, and hope that one day as adults, we will be as close as we are now.
There's a chance that we won't be close, because of who I am and who she is. She is like her father in so many ways and yet like me in so many others. Lately, she's been provoking me, pushing my buttons, like kids do to their parents. Put bluntly, she's been annoying the hell out of me. When I ask her about what she's doing, she acts all innocent as if she doesn't know, and then in the next breath, she'll do it again - to spite or prod for a bigger reaction.
I don't know that she's aware of what she's doing. Probably not. There's a good chance there's an underlying issue that's being acted out. She often says that something's bothering her but doesn't want to say what it is. I often wonder if there is something that I'm doing that is making her hold back from telling me about it.
I spoke to ex about it, because I wasn't reacting well and he could see it. My face is an open book and when I'm not happy about something, it shows. I can't hide it like he can, a point of contention that often comes up between us. He thinks I should be able to, but somehow this little social skill eludes me. But I digress.
We talked about her and how she does prod and provoke, til she gets a reaction. His advice was good - react differently than she would expect. It happens to him too and he hs to hold himself back from getting angry at her. Normally I ignore her, warn her, warn her again and then out of seemingly nowhere, explode. She cries, I feel guilty and then we talk about it and I try to make it better. It nearly always ends up OK, where we both feel better, but I wonder if this 'process' that we go through is damaging. When she did it again, I took her calmly to my room, pointed out her behaviour, asked her if there was something bothering her (no) and then told her there would be consequences whenever she did it to me or someone else. I drew the line and made it know that I expected her to follow it - just like the other countless boundaries that her brother has to follow.
Another issue here is whether she sees that I'm pandering to her to make her feel better (by getting angry at her and then trying to patch it up) and therefore underlying the 'authority' figure that kids need - the one that sets the boundaries, so that later on she'll have no respect for me or the boundaries that I place on her. That wouldn't be good, not in anyone's books.
I think this is the hardest part of being a parent - knowing where that line is and enforcing it. Kids need their parents to set boundaries, but they also need a soft place to fall. I'm afraid for now that the line will have to stay blurred, because I have figured out it's position yet.
I can't help thinking too that the underlying situation here is contributing to her unease. I know she thinks about it because sometimes she'll bring it up. I usually just try to keep it light, teach her about being grateful for what we have now and look at all the good things about 'now', without making it seem like I'm brushing off her concerns.
For the time being, I guess I'll just muddle through like millions of other mothers who strive to be great mothers, but often see themselves as falling way short. People would look at me and think I'm a good mother. Ex's aunty, the one we stayed with in KL, even said "we think you are a fantastic mother" - I think I'm OK, but I also know that my issues with emotional control and self esteem will come back to bite me in my relationship with my kids.
But that's life I guess. I'll take whatever happens and 'have the experience because I need to have it' - and, fortunately or unfortunately, so will my kids!!! :)
5 comments:
The last thing I wrote is probably the truest for all of us as parents.
we set the rules and we enforce them fairley i hope but most of all we must be consistant. the one thing i have learned in my brief 22 years of being a parent is that you should never shift the boundries unless it is patently obvious TO YOU that they are unfair not because they tell you. Remember though you can never remove or relent from a rule and expect a child to inderstand all the reasoning. your baby girl my well seem to be mature and understanding but never forget she is only a child, let her be one dont wish here older before the clock says so because they can.be her mum for now as that will automaticly make you her best friend, no one will put themselves through as much as you will to ensure she is happy. If she does not see it now she will down the track because you will not give up. You like I have the unenviable problem of heart on sleave syndrome which make you an easy target. if you can stay calm though you will feel better in the long run as there is nothing so draining as the emotion that comes from being angry at someone you love so much. Still havent figured out how to do it consistenly myself but hey I keep on trying.
if you punish, do it as a response that follows breaking a rule not because you have finally decided you are angry enough to enforce it, thats just not fair and can be confusing because your responce is delayed and only comes from her repeatedly doing the same thing you did not respond to in that manor the first time. Again one i am still working on but getting better at with age. I am sure i will have it mastered by the time i have grand children.
Mr scorpio sounds like he may have figured some of it out. At least he is a little more articulate than I am.
I still think your cooler than you may realise.
You see people do not judge you by what you see when your babys are at home testing and learning the boundries, they judge you by how your children show them how well they have learned where the boundries are.
Boy when I hope I got some of that right.
Love Pete
PS
You are doing great and are the very best Mum your children could wish for.
You need to really hear it when people say they think you are a great mother.
And muddling through. Yes, what we are all doing. It really is the best way. Not being slack or anything, but if you are human, you aren't perfect. I'd be suspicious of anyone who was too robotic. It would mean someone is missing out. Giving kids everything is not good for them anyway, and if you sacrifice yourself as a parent, it's not good for you and then by default, them.
Warm here today, but horribly windy. It's Princess' birthday tomorrow. A very windy old day on the 12th when she was born too.
x
I suspect that I have worked out not one thing when it comes to being a parent other than attempting to meet all the goals that a “good” parent should achieve.
Sure I tried. I tried to be fair, loving, caring and all those things that seem to be the “correct” measures and like most fallen short on many occasions.
We have three kids, all completely different personalities, all of them with entirely different views on what is fair and reasonable.
Now many years on I can say how lovely it feels when the grand kids run up to you to tell you the latest thing that they have discovered such as “the big ball at playgroup”. Standing there in the background watching and smiling is their mum (your child) as you enjoy the grand kids.
It seems somewhat incongruous that this smiling family portrait hides the deep hurt that your child inflicted on you when she was younger and said in a moment of spite that “I was a bad parent”. Ah yes those memories, the burdens and my inability to erase some of them.
Funny that all these years later she cannot remember saying it yet I can still remember that exact moment when my heart stopped. For all the trials we went through, with all those transient situations in life I can remember clearly the fabulous highs and those terrible lows.
Reading the posts on this blog I can see just how different we all are.
All the contributors attempting to be decent responsible parents, we are emotionally tested by daily events, and still discovering new and different challenges everyday.
Here we have Jo in a situation that none of us would enjoy yet managing well.
Humans are a resilient lot and it seems Jo has collected with you lot contributors that are so caring and supportive.
Best wishes to all and keep posting folks.
If you think that our life experiences are strange try this site.
Locate the one where the teenage child rings and abuses the parent and read why the abuse.
Teen years?
http://www.fmylife.com/?page=1
Cheers
Pete, thanks for the great advice. I'm working of the calmness bit and the bit about punishing when they break a rule, not when I'm angry enough to enforce it really struck a cord with me - consistency is difficult at the best of times but when I'm having moods and all that shit, everything goes out the window, which never helps. And thanks for the lovely words at the end of your comment. When I see you in December, I'm sure I'll cry.
Melba, hope Princess had a nice birthday. Muddling through, that's what it is, isn't it? I sometimes try to remind myself that parenting her is something new everyday, she being my first, so I'll try not to be so hard on myself.
And Mr Scorpio, what a nice comment from you. It's a nice little bunch of people here, all with different situations and experiences. Who needs a therapist when I have friends like these here.
From the bottom of my heart, thankyou all for your insightful, caring comments. It DEFINITELY helps, that's for sure. I don't think I would be coping as well had it not been for the people here who read and comment with such thoughtfulness.
Hugs (big huggy girly ones) to everyone.
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