So nice - ouch.

It's hurts so much when he's nice to me. And not especially nice, just ordinary nice. When he talks to me like a normal person, instead of like someone who's so obviously flawed. When he smiles or we laugh over something that the kids have done. It brings back lots of nice memories for me. Memories that he doesn't apparently have. It makes me want things I can't have. It makes me think that it might work out, if only... well, there are a ton of those. I feel really alone when he's nice because then the inevitable has to happen - he steps away and into his room and shuts the door. Away into his own life and out of mine. For some reason I just cannot comprehend, I miss him - those nice nights snuggled on the couch, the smiles and laughs together, the spas, watching Star Trek and The Sopranos and talking about the scenes we liked or our favourite lines, the car racing, the other stuff that couples do.... Eckhart Tolle says that past doesn't exist, it's only there because of the memories we create. And each of our memories are different. These memories don't exist for ex so maybe Tolle's right, maybe there is no past.

In the book, Mistakes Were Made... but not by me, the authors talk about how we can change our past memories to suit our current needs. If we need/ want to be a victim, we'll change our memories to suit that role and they will be negative, 'poor me' memories of horrible times. If like me, we want to lament what could have been, then those same memories can be converted to suit. Perhaps those things I remember didn't happen the way I think they did - or maybe they didn't happen at all.

And I do feel sorry for ex. He can't win either way. If he's neutral or acting horribly, I have a meltdown about how bad he is. Or if he's happy and nice, I have a meltdown because of what I perceive we've lost.

It's a no-win situation for anyone. I hate living in limbo, just hate it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to step out of my victim, poor me ego and go see my kids who always serve as a reminder about how great 'now' really is.


Sigh.