Seatbelts on, here we go

I don't even know how to write this anymore, not that it's anything special. I don't even know if I should, but the words need to come out.

Fuck gmail. gmail is so good that if you have a person on your list who also has gmail you can see if they're online... or if they are using webcam. Ex has gmail and is on my list and now he has a webcam. This week ex took back his web camera so he could use it. Of course he didn't tell me who for but I'm assuming it's...her. Who else would he bother to use webcam with. It makes me sick to the stomach, even though it shouldn't. It's like he's bringing her into the house, even though he's not. I bring up the worst possible scenario so that if I find out it's true, I can cope with it. It may sound stupid and it probably is, but it's what happens when I'm in this situation. If I was back home, living my own normal life, I wouldn't give a rats arse about what he does.

But I'm not home, I'm right here, keeping the house and myself together, working hard to earn money I shouldn't have to earn because he said "I'll take care of the finances" - and he's not. A water bill came in this week and it hasn't been paid for the last few months. We use about RM 7 (yes, 7, not 70) of water per month and this bill had a red notice attached. Red is never good in any language and I noticed the word 'potongan' which means cut. If this bill isn't paid in time, the water will get cut off. I think the total amount is less than RM 30, which is really piddly. How can you go out and drink when you have to put off paying a 30 dollar water bill. There's probably a reasonable explanation for it, but from where I'm standing, there's absolutely not, especially when he used to get on my back about paying bills late etc - oh, I could go on forever about that one.

Meanwhile, he looks so calm. If I was him, I'd be frantic. But he's always been that way - turmoil or even joy on the inside and you can never tell from the outside. That's why I didn't know that he was so miserable - or maybe it was more that I didn't want to know.

I (again) want to scream at him but for many more reasons than this. In a few days I'll be over all of it and focussed again. But I will always think that it's so unfair to ask me to stay here 'for the kids' when he spends a minimal amount of time with them, he's not earning enough and yet still somehow manages to act as though everything is normal (and on top of that, he's got a pretty reasonable life - the only negative thing in it is me).

That's the main trigger - that I'm doing my bit, he's not doing his (not that I should notice because if I ever ask him for money, he always gives it to me) and yet I still need to stay here. Fuck you, ex.

For now, I need to sleep and not tell him any of this because I need to stay stable. We're leaving for our holiday to Australia in 7 weeks, and now more than ever, I need to show that I'm stable, so that he doesn't think that I won't come back. If he thinks that, he won't let me take two kids. Only one will be able to come. Still if he says one can't come, I'm going to take action.

Xanax kicking in now - it even slows the typing down.

Note to self, when you wake in an hour, you'll be fine (and hungry cos you haven't eaten remember).