I lost it today. Lost my cool, my patience and precisely because I can't say anything, my stability went too. In it's place came anger and frustration and of course, a few tears. I tried to keep myself together, but the same destructive thoughts kept fighting their way to the surface.
The frustration started Friday night and I did something I'm totally ashamed of. We were driving to my English class and the kids were whinging or something and I pulled over very suddenly, and lost it. Enough to make them cry, which made everything even worse. We do get over this quite quickly because by the time it came to go home, everything was back to normal. But I wish I hadn't reacted that way. My son so pointedly said that he felt like the adult and mummy was the child and that made him angry. Point taken son! Yesterday was a little better, but today, it all got too much. Everyday it's computer this, computer that, I want to play, I want you mummy, mummy please play with me, come on mummy, mummy I'm hungry, mummy help me. Mummy, mummy, mummy - all the time. I try to get them to go to ex, but they don't want to. And he calls them in but they only stay with him for about 5 minutes, then they drift back to my room. Perhaps I've made them too dependent on me and I'm sure my daughter worries about me to and consequently wants to take care of me - which shouldn't (edited) be any child's responsibility.
So what was the last straw? Ex had come out of his room while the kids and I were taking it easy, playing games on the computer. It's become a bit obsessive really, so I need to curtail their use. But anyway, there we were and ex came out and wanted the kids to do some chores, so they started whinging and so he lost it with them. I didn't think it was fair because he doesn't spend a lot of time with them and when he does, he's quite hard on them - no fair to them. And when he's like this with them, it brings back all of my memories of how we were - he would tell me how to do something and his way was the right way (he would tell you opposite). So I started feeling defensive for them - they try, they do, but gee, they're only young, so be a little gentle. I take it as personally for them as I did for myself and that further clarifies that we could never be happy together. And brings up really bad memories, for both of us I suspect. I just can't imagine what's going through his mind.
To relieve some of the pressure, I took the kids for ice-cream and a bit of window shopping. We spent two hours out and it seemed like 5 minutes. But the change in our demeanour was obvious - smiles returned and it really felt like the pressure had been taken off, but it could have been the effects of the xanax I'd taken earlier.
So tonight, I can't be with them because I have 'messy mind' - that's how I explain it to the kids. I'm taking myself out of the picture for a little while. I told ex I wasn't feeling well and needed tonight to rest. I'll cook but I'm not eating and I want you to look after the kids. He said yes immediately. I never get any arguments from him when I'm like this. Jilian cried. She just wants to be with me. At the moment she's very clingy. She doesn't enjoy being with him a lot and my son, well he didn't mind because he only cares about whether he can play. I hate leaving them, but better this than going completely ballistic later on and doing something I'm really going to regret (like screaming at ex).
One of the other things that sets me off in a situation like this is that if ex decides the kids need to learn a skill, I take it as him seeing me as being in the wrong - like I should have already taught them that skill and it's like he can't believe that they don't know how to do what he's teaching them. He doesn't realise that I probably have taught them, but they haven't picked it up yet or have forgotten and gone back to their old habits. Even if that particular agenda is not there, I think it is and take it as such. And I've been a bit bored and lonley this weekend, so that hasn't helped.
So here I am, on xanax, which is starting to kick in now. It's 8.10pm. I'm going to sleep for as long as possible. If I wake early, I'm going for a long walk to calm my mind and get myself out of the house.
This will pass and I will be better in the morning. This is not a full on meltdown, more a pre-cursor. Just something that needs to be managed. And this is how I'm managing it.
Night
4 comments:
Let me relate a story that may eventually have a point to it.
I came to live in this small town in the 70’s. The area had about 6000 people in it at the time and many of the married residents were from England (why they were from England is another story) particularly “Pommy” was the area.
Separated from their historical family unit by 15,000 Km they had kids here, had a house here, had their family disagreements here and because they were so isolated from their families everything became a drama.
When the kids were sick, no family support, when mum was sick and dad was off at work, drama, daily everything was a trial. Mummy, mummy, mummy, daddy opps mummy.
I suspect the word “mummy” has seldom been uttered without the word “mummy” following again within seconds.
English families breaking up was so common it was amazing. It was actually referred to as the English disease by one person on this blog.
Individually these were nice people with nice kids that were not coping. No immediate family support for minor issues let alone the major things.
What makes your situation worse is the fact that your marriage based on what you have written was awkward before you left Oz. You are now in an Asian country with differing (not bad) customs and languages. All the more difficult.
No, no surprises that it is damn difficult for you on occasions.
You being the sort of parent you are will beat yourself up emotionally and probably take a disproportionate amount of blame and examine things until you fall asleep racked with guilt.
I honestly believe the truth of your relationship has been knocking on your door for quite some years and despite identifying itself you have sent it away while you search for some other truth. Your remoteness from family has not helped.
Pre children I knew parenting would be easy and by the numbers, “with children” it was difficult and recently has become a damn side easier with grandchildren.
If it helps take a full Xanax tablet now before reading on…………in 8 to 10 years you might be a grandparent and it will all become just so easy.
Cheers Jo and support is here.
By the way one surprise has been arranged for one child already and it is…..
xxxxx
I will stick to the short version. You are dealing with the situation as best you know how, gues what, the rest of us poor shmucks (those of us who have become parents) will be dealing with similar situations with our own children, (yes even now) your situation is that your suport base is removed by distance but remember always that even if you were next door we would still only offer advice because in the end how you deal with a situatuiion is up to you. Sounds to me like your doing ok so far.
Love Pete
Thanks, thanks and more thanks you guys. I know my situation, excepting the 'being in a foreign country when I don't want to be' part, is much the same for everyone. I do my best, we all do, and we all lose it. Think of all those mums who don't have the father to turn to, as I have (sort of). All I had to say was, "it's your turn for tonight" and he did. The kids weren't happy initially, but they got through and now we're all feeling better.
I got up at 3am, watched tv, ate something, went back to bed at 5 and slept til about 8. Got out of bed at 9. I'm pretty lucky to be able to do that.
cheers
Post a Comment