Yes, well, with 24 days to go, today I found myself thinking about whether I can really do this for another two years. This first year has been long and hard, interspersed with periods where it wasn't so bad. We've got two more years to go (as per our decision). Living in limbo is like living in mud. You can't really do anything substantial, but then again, if I think about it too much, I may talk myself into NOT being able to do it. Maybe I'm just talking myself into a bit of drama. Ugggh, I can really drive myself nuts. That's what happens when there's no-one around to talk to.
I've recovered from the almost meltdown, and made sure that I told ex that it was just because I was tired. If I tell him the real reason, it would just upset things and there's no point in doing that because there's no resolution. I feel good again and time with my two girlfriends (S and K) helped alot. We're trying to make Monday nights our regular time together, where we meet and talk, just the three of us. It's good D & M talk and we cover most issues - kids, men, husbands, families, ourselves, etc. It's nice to have someone else in the fray to chat to, someone who 'gets' me so we have a laugh together. The other person that 'gets' me is my daughter. I love making her laugh. My son is different and is a bit young for my stupid sense of humour, but he does get it sometimes. Our favourite thing at the moment is playing junior monopoly before bedtime. The son seems to be on a winning streak which is nice because it makes him so happy and my daughter and I enjoy it because we get to be a bit stupid. Sometimes I wish ex would join in, but then it wouldn't be the same because of how awkward we are, so that's pointless wishing for that.
I'm still keeping busy with the autistic centre. The other day we started up a blog, got the email account working, sorted out parent teacher interviews (format, time and rules - ie don't talk to the parents about any other kids besides their own, don't go over half and hour per child, have notes on what you want to say, tell the parents good stories about their children and finally, ask the parents whether they have seen any improvement and what else would they like their child to learn - within reason). So whatever I'm doing there, which seems to be just a lot of talking, is working because the co-ordinator is feeling much better.
The end of the year is coming up really fast, yet at the same time, each day goes so slowly. I'm working on keeping my head level and so sticking to routine things - cooking a decent dinner, keeping the house clean, not going out too much and just taking each day as it comes. Also trying not to spend too much money because I ran out last month. I have no idea if what I spend on groceries is reasonable or not. I know that on average I make about 1500 a month and that by the end of the month, it's all gone. I don't think we eat anything too expensive. I only go to Malacca once a month (if that) and everything else I buy here. Milk and cheese are expensive though (if you count that dollar for dollar). Milk is almost 5 ringgit a litre and we go through about 6 litres a week and cheese is 12 ringgit for one block of Bega tasty, 11 ringgit for a container of Philadelphia cheese and 9 ringgit for sliced cheese. And we'd buy each of these once or twice a month. Ex occasionally asks me to look at what I'm spending to see if I can cut back, but you know, I can never find anything that I really can cut back on. Anyway, we'll just have to manage. Next year I will take on some more English students so it won't be a problem And who knows, ex might have regular work by then.
Ahhh, just another day with everyday niggles. Hope your week and your work are great.
cheers
8 comments:
Call me old fashioned but i always thought that if one of you sacrificed themselves to stay at home and care for family children education etc etc that the other ensures income independance so that the lifestyle can be maintained. My wife is an business major and gave up a very promising senior managment career to look after our children and keep the house, I make sure we can afford to do it without her having to work. I know the modern family does not follow the same track but you do not sound comfortable or secure even with your extra income?
Well, I stuffed up there. I always said I was going to work, so here I am. Not that I'm judging your choice at all.
We're comfortable enough, you know, roof over our heads, food and utilities. It's just a bit of a stretch sometimes and I just hate asking him for money, though I take it if he offers and I ask for it if I don't have any.
He said that he'd take care of the finances and I should just concentrate on getting better. I've done that, but I have to wonder how he's doing.
Concentrate on getting better?
(I nearly swore)
I cannot see how you can get better if you are normal!
In your situation you were (are?) entitled to be upset, frustrated, angry, lonely, disappointed, infuriated, annoyed, obstructed, abandoned, isolated, distressed, hurt, exasperated.
Any person in your situation would be on edge.
The problem with J telling you that it is your fault when it may not be your fault, is that you have little hope of discussing it anywhere except here.
It may not be your fault it is however your problem.
thank you Mr Scorpio swear all you like. Jo I just feel that you should not also have to worry about that stretch bit. You agreed to live in an environment that is home to him but not to you surely he is not ignorant enough to believe a white girl in an asian country is going to feel at home? He knows you will always be at a disadvantage. Sorry did not mean to needle you. Again thank you Mr S.
It's so nice to have someone on my side, looking out for me, arguing my case. Thankyou. I love you for it. Yes, please swear all you like, I certainly do. RE: getting better - it's his perception that I was 'sick' with Borderline Personality Disorder and so from there, his perception is that I should concentrate on getting better. It doesn't matter whether I am really 'sick' or not, that's the way he looks at it. From my point of view, I turn this into 'managing my emotions and distress' so that it doesn't disturb our kids (or him). Whatever I've needed to do, I've done a lot of it and yes, I do think in my situation, it's OK to feel all the things you mentioned Mr S., but it never helps me when I do, so usually I don't, if I can possible help it.
And as for me living in an Asian country, he did it for 15 years and says "I had nothing there" - even though I would strongly disagree, but actually didn't because I didn't want to argue. That's the way he felt and nothing I do now will change that. How many Chinese do you see living on the Mornington Peninsula? And yes, things are different between us now, but that doesn't make any difference to him, because according to him, he 'been there, done that' too - so why can't I do the same.
I know this doesn't make sense, that it makes him seem selfish and self-centred, but at the heart of it all, I still need to manage my feelings better and do what's best for the kids, no matter what he thinks, what I think or what has actually transpired between us.
May add more later.
Jo you are correct it is not the same J living in Australia.
I am no "head" doctor however BPD is not correct either. You were upset and lost I guess.
When I find the book that defined you as BPD I will happily tear it up.
Hang it all read what I said earlier, you were (are?) in a terrible situation.
Of course you wanted your marriage to work. Presumably both of you were trying hard initially.
It would seem likely he chose to come here without any other obligations, do his course(s?) here, get married here, have kids here and get a successful web site and software idea happening here.
I suspect he missed his family and who would not miss them. He is well entitled to that emotion.
That was not where things went bad though. Who chose to live down at the Mornington Peninsula?
It was Js' choice so he could play golf and “network” if I recall correctly. Not move to Hawthorn in a Chinese community.
If he wished he could have chosen, Carlton with the Italians, Footscray with Vietnamese, Altona with the Germans, good grief there are Cambodian, Indian, Sudanese and Chinese people in enclaves everywhere here.
He speaks excellent English and achieved success here with the software (that was your idea).
J spoke English, he was accepted and achieved things here. Perhaps he overcommitted and set his hopes too high with the Mornington Peninsula networking hypothesis although I cannot see that was your fault or the fault of the “Australian” community.
No, it is not the same and you are correct!
Mr Scorpio,
You're right, I was lost and upset. But I am a lot of other things as well, not always the smiling, quiet person who loves to come visit you. I can be vague and unpredictable, and very, very angry.
The book we speak of hear is called "Walking on Eggshells" and according to ex, it exactly describes his experience of living and being married to me. He says although things have gotten better, he is still walking on those same eggshells. That's just the way he sees it.
Let me correct you on a few things - the software wasn't successful enough to sustain us, that's why we went into debt. Although I did the best I could, I didn't market it well enough and took too long to develop new titles. The only time he was really successful was when he was contracting.
I chose to live down the Peninsula, it's always been a dream of mine and it was a bonus for us that it is full of gorgeous golf courses. I played golf too. I was happy for him to play golf because it meant he was out of the house for a few hours at a time. By that time in our relationship, I was feeling completely smothered.
Things started to go bad very early on in our relationship - I remember moving to another room, even back then when we were living in the flat. Then when we moved east to our own house, I wanted to leave again, but was convinced to stay, more out of guilt than anything. It seemed like such a waste after all the work we'd done together.
Ex moved countries for me. He'd come back to Malaysia after his uni years and built up a small but pretty successful computer business that provided training in various programs such as excel and wordstar etc. He also taught himself to program in a new language so that he could make custom software for businesses. He sold that business to come live with me in Australia. Yes, he spoke English and yes, life was pretty easy for a while, but I think he'd change it in a heartbeat for the life he has here now.
PS 'hear' = here.
And I don't remember him talking about the chance to network when we decided to live on the Peninsula. He may have though, I just don't remember. I don't remember a lot of things, that's part of the problem.
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