Can you believe how fast the time has gone? Scary really.
We got back yesterday morning, 3am Malaysian time. The flight was good, the kids were great and we were looking forward to being back. I was even a little homesick the day before we left. Bizarre.
I think that had more to do with wanting my own space back, with my own stuff and my own internet connection. Not because I really wanted to come back - you know that Mr Scorpio.
And now that I am back, I know why (I didn't want to come back). It's hard being around ex again. Less than two days into being back and my mind is already starting to scatter. The kids don't have as much to do so they want me all the time. They're in my room and my face all the time. This morning I had to talk to them about 'not using me as a playmate' and told them to go find other things to do. I didn't have that problem in Australia because we always had something on. They've missed their Dad but they don't really want to spend time with him - well, no more than a few minutes at a time anyway. It's funny, because I wanted ex to want us back and he may have (excluding me, I'm sure), but he doesn't really show it. It's the 'come out for a meal/drink/5 minutes to look around or watch tv' routine all over again. I understand he has work to do... maybe I'm just being pedantic and judgmental because I would do it differently. There's no initiating of conversation (though we did have a conversation in the car on the way back about how everything was in Australia), no sitting down and playing with the kids - which really gets me because he hasn't seen them for a whole month.
As for me, I just want to go out or stay in my room to be away from him. That wouldn't be the case if I thought he didn't mind being around me, but it's so obvious (to me anyway) that he would prefer not to be - and I find that hard to take. Some people don't care about that sort of thing, but I get all thingy about it.
So I'm going to have to find my way around this by either thinking about the situation a little differently or doing something else about it. Maybe there's something I can change about the way I do things that will make it better for him. Because that's what all this is about sometimes, isn't it? Making it better for him.
Fuck.
4 comments:
What a delight it was to see you and the two children so naturally happy.
Four weeks went so quickly.
Now so I am the first to say it Happy New Year to all.
I'll be the second. Happy New Year to you and your my dearest.
Also, no it's not about making him feel better. It's about finding some adjustment that makes you feel better. it's not healthy to be stuck in your room. I think it's good you told the kids they can't use you as a playmate. Can they have friends over to play? If not, why not? What can you do to change that?
The other thing is can you move house, so there are two living areas or something like that?
Get this. Ex asked me if I'd iron his shirt for him going out tonight with Princess and girlfriend - let's call her Sheherezade. I said I don't even iron my husband's shirts so why would I iron his? He didn't like it. I laughed. Fuck it, and fuck his shirt. But the thing is, it didn't get to me. You will get to that stage of not caring so much, dear Jo, but as I've said before. Very hard while you are in the same space.
Be aware there will be a transition period of you settling back there, and with the kids as well, and with him. Just go slowly and gently. All will be well. If you feel flat, be aware and do things to make yourself feel good.
xxxxxxxx
Geeze I am so far behind, third will have to do. Happy new year to all. Twas great to see you cuz just wish you had traveled to my side of the bay. Melba has a point.
Geez your kids are cute
Love pete
Happy New Year all. Thanks Mr S.
Pete, it's a pity we didn't get there. good to see you again though, you're looking great. Loved the chat we had at my sister's.
All good points Melba. I've got to be patient with myself. If I don't take to heart what he says, then I'm OK.
Moving? can't afford it.
Friends over? yes, we do it when we can, but seems everyone is busy this week. It'll be OK cos next week they start school again.
And about making him feel better - that was said with a bit of sarcasm behind it because sometimes it seems that for him, that's what it's all about. For me, it's just about being able to handle the situation with a bit of dignity.
Good for you about the shirt. Fuck the shirt. Geez, the nerve of him asking you to do it anyway.
Lots of hugs back to everyone.
xxxooooo
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