Surprising

I've been home for a little more than two weeks and it's been good. Surprising was, I almost had a meltdown - not the kind I have had in the past, but I was really crabby with everyone and really just wanted to run away from everything. Maybe it's the feeling of not belonging anywhere, seeing other people with their homes, car and kids settled and knowing I don't have anything close to that. I feel very much in limbo and I think that's natural, given the situation. It doesn't do much for the mood swings though.

It's hard living at home when I'm not so messed up. In 2007 it was easy because I was in such a terrible state of mind that coming home was exactly what I needed. My parents took me in and my mum especially, took really good care of me. But I don't need that level of care now but she still gives it (because she cares enormously of course). It's harder to accept, but I'll try to take it easy. I really do love you mum, even if I get crabby.

I've been concentrating on seeing people and doing things with the kids, giving them all I can of the experiences they can have here. Things like swimming lessons, seeing their cousins nearly everyday, going to the park, walking the dog and many other things - even gardening, which my daughter's really taken to doing with my Dad. It's good for him too, gets him away from the computer and out of his chair.

Today was a nice day. Two of my oldest friends made the trip up to see me. We talked, had lunch and talked some more and then talked some more. It was great to see them. We are friends from almost 20 years ago, when we used to teach together - 2 teachers, 1 assistant and a motley crew of teenagers with severe disabilities. It was a great time then and I relish every chance I get to catch up with them in person when I come back. I've had a few jobs since then, but that job, with those two lovely people remain as significant part of my past that I remember with fondness. It's amazing to see how each of our lives has unfolded - marriage, death, grandchildren, babies, sickness, health, sadness and joy, loss and love, travelling around the world, living in different countries, not seeing each other for years - the whole gamat of experiences that we've had - and yet we can still come together as good friends to chat and everything between us is the same. I love it that these two women are my friends, I feel so, so lucky to have them as part of my life.

We skyped ex this week because he'd asked too and it was OK. I wanted to do it for the kids and for him too I guess. Thanks Mr Scorpio for letting me use your brand spanking new computer and your super fast link. I really, really, like really, appreciate it. Time to go now because your sitting right across from me, waiting, politely for me to GET OFF YOUR COMPUTER!

:)

Will write more next week. And thankyou Melba for the huge compliment today - she said "you're a writer" - I was quite chuffed.