Just for half an hour

It's Tuesday evening. I've been wanting to write everyday since I last wrote, but the opportunity just hasn't been there. Chinese New Year dinners have been and gone. Kids have their little red packets (angpau) and life is slowly returning to a less hectic pace for other people. Me, I didn't have to do anything besides look after the kids, so my life will speed up rather than slow down.

Ex has been working hard and doing what he does best, computer programming. No income yet, but we'll see how things pan out. Tomorrow we have a trip to KL scheduled, including an overnight stay at my brother in laws. We saw them at CNY and the kids were thrilled to be together. Their youngest child is a delight, their oldest (6) is forever glued to his PSP game thingy. They only come to Segamat once a year. The only other time we see them is if we go visit them. We haven't stayed there in ages, preferring the more spacious, well-lit abode of the Aunty who lives nearby.

I'm here locked in my room because I have the infamous 'messy mind'. It's been ages since I've had a true meltdown, and this is probably the worst it's been for a while. Things are swirling around in my head, I'm agitated and grumpy and short with the kids. Son, with his gazillion questions every hour, is driving me to distraction. They are in my face and it seems, around every minute. I feel trapped and that, of course, always leads me to thinking about coming home.

And according to ex, whom I've just spoken to about all this, I'm in denial about what's happening. It started a week ago he said (I would say it started yesterday). According to him, he'd try to tell me something and I would shut him down or change the subject. That's a sign that I'm headed for a mood swing. I remember the incidents I think. He said something and I'd give him my opinion which was the opposite of what he was thinking. I can't remember the details but I can remember feeling a bit apprehensive when I was speaking and then thinking to myself that I normally don't speak my mind anymore. I wonder often that if I had the same conversation with another person, whether they would think I was shutting them down or would they think that they were just having a normal conversation. I never know which it would be. In these times with him, I feel so flawed, even though he tells me that it's not about that - it's about doing what's best etc, etc. I still can't help feeling hugely flawed, like some social imbecile with a mental illness. How can I not see when I'm shutting him down from talking any further about something? How can I not see that these are signs of a mood swing that makes the rest of the family walk on eggshells.

Tomorrow I still want to go to KL. I feel like I need to get out. We will probably regret going because of the mood I am in tonight. I told him if I still feel this way, we will cancel. He's worried that I'll cause a scene in front of his brother or that something else will happen afterwards.

He also told me that we need to focus on the positive and go with the flow. There are no emotions attached to the things he says to me - no anger or resentment, they are just facts. A fact for him is that if I lose it tomorrow, he will just have to manage it. There's no compassion, nothing. Just plain, bare facts - which comes across to me as 'you are flawed, I am better and I need to manage you', which of course I find hugely offensive.

Soooo, tired. Better get some sleep. I will report back tomorrow night or the day after and let you know the 'consequences' of going on this little trip.