Ranting at terseness - profanity abounds.

Listening to Adam Lambert "For Your Entertainment" because this man rocks, I tell you, and I need to be happy.

What the fuck? I seem to be getting on ex's nerves today. I can tell by that 'terse' look on his face, one I'm oh-so familiar with. That face that used to make me crumble inside because he was stressed out at something I'd done, said or was about to do. Back then he used to launch into a lecture (not so much a tirade) as to how I was wrong or what I could do better. A hundred and one little things used to set him off and I never saw it coming - early on anyway. Later, when I knew and could predict, performance anxiety (which he thought was a crock of shit) made the situation worse and I would often look like an incompetent idiot anyway and of course then he was justified in saying what he said. Now when he gets terse, I don't give a fuck.

Today it was the old "you have to tell me because I can't read your mind". Yes, I should have explained why we were going a different way to pick up daughter (you missed the turn-off and I didn't tell you because I thought you knew where you were going, I didn't say), but somehow I couldn't get it out fast enough. When I did say something, he didn't listen closely enough to understand and ended up getting stressed. Hence the 'terse' face, some words, and from me, some very short directions - go straight, go right here. Serves me right for thinking that he'd know where to go - we've only lived here for a short five years. Sheesh.

The thing is, I DO know where I'm going. I got to know this place I live in like the back of my hand, the choke points, the short-cuts, lane-ways, shops, etc early on after he'd said to me "you HAVE to know your way around, you HAVE to get to know this place". He said this after we'd been here a week (excuse me while I unpack and drive the children to school and shop and deal with the stress of moving, you uncompassionate prick!" I didn't say.)

Anyway, after the terse words about still not being able to read my mind, we made our way through the school throng of children and parents, picked up my daughter and by the time I'd gotten back in the car, he'd hidden his emotions or let the whole thing go. We went for a very quiet lunch, interspersed with bursts of news about Segamat.com.

Why go out together? Well, we didn't have any electricity today and have you ever been in the tropics with no fan - fucking hot, that's what. If he'd wanted to go out for lunch today, I would have wanted him to ask me along, so I asked if he wanted to get some lunch together with our daughter - not predicting that he'd need me to give him directions on how to pick up daughter from school. I really don't get this - I know he's intelligent, but then he has these things where gaps in his knowledge seemingly exist. I mean, we've been here for 5 years and this is his hometown! What gives? I don't know. Maybe, and this is an educated guess, he's treading on eggshells and doesn't want to set me off and so is holding back, letting me make all the decisions so I get to do exactly what I want to do so I don't go into a meltdown. Maybe.

Anyway, we got back from lunch and still no electricity so we just tried to put up with it. If you're moving around, it's OK because you create a breeze as you go but if you're sitting still, it's damn hot. Ex went into his room and went to sleep (don't know how he did that, but with no computer or tv, what else is there), and I tried helping daughter to do her homework. That didn't work, so we went to my in laws for a while and did the said homework there instead. Much cooler.

Now we're at home again, electricity is back, I'm cooling down, ex cooked fried rice for dinner and thinks I'm in meltdown mode because I'm in my room typing instead of joining them for dinner. I just don't feel like eating and don't really want to show my face. Daughter is behind me reading on the bed. She has the night free because, yay, she's finished her homework. I want to go out but don't want to let off alarm bells with ex about my presumed mental status, so we'll see.

Tonight I have to wash uniforms, shoes, tidy up a bit and then get to bed early-ish, so I can get up tomorrow. As the Malaysians would say in their Manglish (malaysian english) "where got time to go out lah?"

See ya.