This week, I miss having a husband - or what my version of a husband would be anyway, not necessarily the one I've experienced. I need a soft spot to fall, complain, whinge and be listened to without judgment or harsh words, nor solutions for that matter. I need to fall into someone's arms and be comforted because I am tired and frustrated. So tired. I guess my blog is my soft spot, my safe place to express myself. Thankyou for reading and not judging me.
I'm tired of being positive towards a school system which, in so many ways, is much less than what I had hoped my kids would have. I wanted my kids to love school and learning and all that comes with it, so that they may want to study in the future, the way I did. But they don't love it. For the most part, they don't like it. I'm tired of emphasising the good bits and negating the bad. I'm tired of the endless rounds of homework and the late night sms's to my kid's tutor about coming the next day to help them out because I can't. How am I going to tell ex how I feel without it seeming like some kind of ploy to get back home? Uggghhh, I hate this.
My girl has been getting too many smacks on the hand lately, for my liking. The teacher concerned is her form teacher and teaches her morals, chinese, science and civics. I've met her and she seemed Ok, but that was then. Every other day, she's been taking the ruler to my girl and it has come to the point where my girl is so stressed that she's panicking, forgetting things, then getting another beating for forgetting. Yesterday, I'd had enough. Fearing I'd beat the crap out of this teacher if I talked to her personally, (I probably wouldn't, but you never know, I'm ripe for it, given the stress I feel) I went to see the vice principal. Madam L accommodated me and listened to my concerns. She agreed and told me she'd speak to the teacher concerned. I told her that my kids cry almost daily about coming to school and that school was causing them a lot of stress. They are panic-stricken when they forget something and my girl was having trouble sleeping causing her even more stress. I didn't know what to do, I said, telling her that I didn't want her to change classes and I certainly didn't want to pull her out of school (though I absolutely would if the situation didn't change). I was tactful about what I wanted - more patience and understanding from the teachers, less beatings - that's all. Just that. She promised again that she would speak to the teacher and said that yes, she'd noticed my girl pull back whenever this teacher spoke to her. Her other teachers are fine. Her English teacher, a man (rare in these parts), is lovely and often calls on her to read English texts to the class because of her excellent pronunciation. so it's not all bad.
Today I asked my daughter how was it with her teacher today and she smiled and said the teacher had taken her aside, asked her how she liked school and a few more things. The situation has turned around and now the teacher is being a lot nicer to her, taking the time to explain things a bit more thoroughly and slowly. Phew! Glad I got that sorted.
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So tired of my feelings being in a mess. I woke up in a tizz this morning after having had a dream about ex. He was nice to me. Really nice. He was smiling and wanted to be with me. He kissed me and I could sense that he wanted to get back together. I could feel myself being pulled in. He was the man I remember, way back when we started going out. I could see his face, his smile and the twinkle in his eye that I found so cute back then. He was apologetic. I could feel myself forgiving him and forgetting all the reasons why I didn't want to be together. All I could see was a future with my family in tact. It was all I'd ever wanted.
And then I woke up, with a cracking migraine, that went deep into my brain. Nothing like a good smack in the head to bring back reality. I staggered up and got daughter ready for school. Every morning she says the same thing - "Is it time already? I'm so tired." I'm tired too, but I can't tell her that. We got organised and I came back home and went straight back to bed. I woke up at nine, feeling slightly better but the dream was still fresh. OMG, what am I thinking to dream like that.
I know it's not a reflection of what I think I want. I know it's because I'm feeling tired and vulnerable and I miss having a partner. I miss being that close with someone. We were once. I have the memories to prove it.
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I'm tired of doing almost everything, especially for the kids. In some ways, I love it that we are close but in other ways, I find myself thinking "why do I have to do it all?" It's hard to even go out these days because of the homework stuff, the cooking, the organising that needs to be done. Tonight I couldn't go because my daughter has 'rancana' (pron runchunna) tomorrow. She has to memorise a passage in Malay and then write it out for the teacher tomorrow. Pointless drivel that I am forced to help her learn.
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This week ex had to go and pay the annual fee for the kids student visas. It's RM 240 per year for both of them. Everytime he does this, it's a huge inconvenience for him. He needs to go to the post office and get a money order, then go and pay it at the education department. I refuse to do it. I get the paperwork ready and pass it onto the school, but I refuse to deal with office itself. He speaks the language, it's his country, he should do it. He said to me once, "if you want the kids to study here, you have to do these things". I nearly smacked him thinking "THIS IS YOUR CHOICE, NOT MINE". Bastard.
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I'm tired of living abroad. I want to be able to manage my personal affairs from home. I had a call from mum a couple days back regarding a Centrelink debt I've accumulated due to not lodging a tax return. The call was from a debt collection company. Scary stuff. I didn't resolve the debt because it was going to be resolved when my accountant lodged my tax return while I was back in Melbourne. He forgot. I didn't follow it up. Now, instead of it resolving itself (which it would have had the tax returns gone through), I'll have to pay the 3K debt and hopefully get it back from Centrelink when all my issues with them are resolved. This is yucky stuff and adding to the stress I'm already feeling. I can't share it with ex because he can't help anyway and I don't really want him to know about it in case I do money back - I need to keep it for the future and if I want to share it I will. Am I being selfish? Probably, but I expect him to work for a living. If we really need it, I'll send it to myself. And anyway, if I do get money back, I'm going to use it to come back home again at the end of the year. Turns out, I'm lodging tax returns as a resident and so I NEED to go back every year. Taxes are tricky aren't they? I need to tell ex one day that he is no longer lodging tax returns in Australia because his tax payments would be too high. I don't want to talk about finances with him but one day I'm going to have to. He needs to know these things.
So, that's the whinge today. As I finish this entry a whole day on from when I started, I'm feeling better. No migraine and no emotional backlash from the dream. It's still fresh though and I keep getting reminded of it when ex smiles or his normally stoic persona goes a little soft. I need to keep my guard up and I'm not going to tell him about the dream. I'll tell my friend instead and she'll slap me in the face for it and bring me back down to earth and remind me why I do not want to be with that man. I love her for it. That's what friends are for.
Have a nice day.
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