I rang home today and ex picked up the phone. Daughter, who I was wanting to talk to, wasn't home. She was instead, over at her cousin's place, doing homework I imagine. Her older cousin is there to supervise her. She's almost 16, so that's OK I guess.
Ex answered the phone like he was pleased to hear from me, but I guess I was dreaming. I wanted ex to ask me how everything was going. I wanted him to want to talk to me, even if it was just being polite, but he didn't. The silence was so awkward. I wish I'd said something instead of just saying that I'll call later, but I didn't because I think that he doesn't want to talk to me anyway so why bother. Maybe he was interested to hear, but feels he can't ask.
I hung up the phone thinking that god-awful question - WHY? Why aren't I good enough for you? What is so wrong with me that you can't see anything worth something in me? I took it so personally, his lack of interest in me and my situation, but I guess he's got to keep his distance just like I do. He doesn't have to be polite...
Every now and then, I still wish things were different between us. I know I make him out to be the bad guy on here, but he can be nice. If you were to meet him on the street or in a social situation, you'd think to yourself what a nice guy... even my Dad said something like "I'm not often wrong about people ('s character), but I was wrong about him. My Dad thought he was nice but my stories and whinging have changed that for him. I try to balance out the story a little by talking about some of the good things that ex does, but it's too late, my parents still hate him.
I mean, what if I'm wrong - what if he really is a nice guy and I've just gone and slandered him because he doesn't give me exactly what I want. I can't do anything about it now, I know that.
And I don't know why I've started thinking about this now. It's not productive, but you know when you get together and share stories and things, I mention some things that ex does and I ask myself if it really is that bad or whether it's just me making it out to be worse than it is. Maybe I'm being the bitch. Maybe I've ruined a completely nice person. I feel like I've slandered him. And yet, my reality was what it was.
Maybe I'm just tired and lonely. My thoughts always go downhill when I'm tired and I am. I'm so tired of this situation yet I know the hardest, most tiring part is still to come. I just want to move on with my life and I think being home exacerbates this feeling. I feel stuck between two worlds and I don't like it. You know, in Malaysia I don't feel like I belong, because I don't. But here at home, I don't feel like I belong either. I seem to be swamped easily by the things around me, especially if I'm out shopping. There's so much to take in and so many things to remember - and the array of choices here is incredible. I do cope, but I'm slow. In Malaysia, I only use cash. Here, we use ATM cards and I forget how to use them - which way to swipe them, whether I want cash or not, what account it's attached to - and my slowness makes me look a few cans short of a six pack. In Malaysia, because I look different, people don't expect me to understand, so they allow for it, but here, I just look like everyone else so I come across a bit ditzy. It's an interesting feeling, not belonging anywhere. I'm sure it will change when I move back.
Enjoy your Easter Sunday, eat loads of chocolate - the dark chocolate here is REALLY good, trust me. I love dark chocolate and eat more than I should somtimes by convincing myself that it's pretty good for you - antioxidants and all that. Wonerful comfort food.
Cheers.
PS And mum is doing really well. She's walking around the house sans walking stick and is getting the antibiotic drip taken out tomorrow. She still has enormous pain but she is walking around now and that's gotta be good. Just don't feel guilty mum, no one minds that you have to take it easy and now is not the time to be polite to guests and stay up more than you can. Ok?
6 comments:
It's not you, it's him.
You can't change him.
The longer you stay with someone who f*cks with your mind....
I find myself agreeing with AOF.
There is no future for you with this constant self examination when you know the reality.
When you are next in Australia and have time to discuss the situation I would love to recap with you.
Yes we all know it is because of the children but I wonder if it would be the same if the family were still here?
Still as you have said “you are a woman and are not looking for answers to the questions you raise”.
Next thing you will be saying is men and women are different!
So rather than give you an answer here is a question or two or three ......
• ”Is it getting any easier as the two years grows near?”
• “What happens in 14 months or less?”
• “Can you believe that it will simply be “yeah, ok, see you and the kids later” when the time arrives?”
Best wishes to all.
yes its that dirty scandalous bastards fault. But what do you expect i will choose you over him every time, we are blood remember and no one will know better than you what is the truth. Either way you have our support.
LOVE Pete
If it is to be it is up to me
Thanks AOF, well aware that I can't change him so I just have to deal with his shit a different way.
Mr S, it will not get easier. In 14 months or less, we will talk to the children and see what their thoughts are and consider what they want and make a decision from there. Nothing is guaranteed, but I'm hoping the work I've put in with the kids (which I would have done regardless) will make them want to be with me and study in Australia. It won't be simple, that I can assure you of.
Thanks for sticking up for me Pete. I know the self doubt will get me nowhere, but I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist. If I put it out there, I can get feedback from people who know me and know my story, from my perspective.
Well it is 5.57 pm Sat 10/4/2010.
I am looking forward to the next exciting episode with regard your mum and those doctors.
You are a good deal more generous than I am with what they did and did not do.
I consider their effort “casual” at best.
If I was a doctor of medicine perhaps I could be more specific but as I am just a humble human I can only say I was right.
It is one thing to think you have done an “OK” job with the cutting and slicing of someone BUT to ignore the fact that someone (after 5 weeks) is still writhing in agony and telling the family they were warned she would be “a bit sore” is casual at best.
You and your family did well Jo and whatever comes you, and your family, you all deserve whatever plaudits those of us that know what you all went through can pass on.
Moral of the story if there is one .... question what the busy doctors tell you.
as a medico friend of mine has said on more than one occasion. If you are unsure, it is your right to ask for a second opinion. Remember that doctors to are only frail humans like ourselves. Two heads are always better than one. they are no better than we, just a little smarter, or so we hope?
Pete
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