My head has finally decided it's time to level out, so there's no more shouting in my brain, which I was finding really quite distracting. It's hard to be pleasant to someone when inside your head your telling him to do god knows what and re-hashing situations and events that happened years ago but this time telling him F-off because I don't want to hear his opinion. I swear, one day we'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and in the middle of it, I'm going to unwittingly tell him to F-off because of something I've been thinking of in my head. Won't that be a pleasant moment - he doesn't like surprises much.
*
I had a dream the other day, the pictures in it are still haunting me a little. I was walking into a stadium or some other huge place, with the bleachers looming over me and the kids. I had the kids on either side of me and we were walking along when I sensed something else huge coming up behind me - like a big tank or something. I knew I had to run or we'd get run over but I took off and forgot the kids. I made a narrow escape into small gap to the side but the kids weren't that lucky. My daughter was injured and my son didn't survive. I woke up sobbing, as you do, and all I could think about was the huge gap in my life where my son was. Reality and relief came back to me a few minutes later when I heard his laughter coming from the lounge room and I've never been so grateful. Of course it's been bothering me ever since about what my sub conscious is trying to tell me.
*
Here's a little snippet for you Mr S. In the time since I was bragging about how much weight I'd lost, I've put on a good 5 kgs. That brings me above 82 and I am NOT happy about it. Of course, I'm not surprised. I've been eating plenty and didn't really care what I ate when I was in Melbourne both times. And I've stopped exercising. Something about it's too hot, too early and I'd rather sleep in. I'm not sleeping well at the moment - I'm conscious and thinking at about 3 or 4 am and then drift in and out of real sleep until 6am when I have to get up. Then when I get back home from dropping daughter at school, it's a choice between going for a walk or having 3 glorious hours of proper sleep. Sleep always wins but I'm going to have to start exercising regular before my body completely jams up because of a lack of it.
*
We went out for lunch as a family the other day. It was the first time since I'd been back. it was OK. Except for the little conversation where ex told me he thinks he has ADD - attention deficit disorder. OMG!!! I wish he'd seek professional help! He keeps looking for answers to why he can't do things like focus on his work and while that is admirable to a certain extent, it's not working - at all. He does things when he absolutely has to, but if he doesn't have to he won't, doesn't want to, can't. In the conversation he mentioned that he can't even force himself to work when things are critical - RED FLAG. Things must be getting critical now or he wouldn't have mentioned it. I reacted as if he were telling me something completely normal - no over-reaction, panic or whatever he expected to happen - it probably helped that we were with the kids in a public place which makes me wonder if he'd meant to tell me there - you know, do it in a public place so that I wouldn't create a scene. Maybe.
Well, if things are critical, it's going to spur me on that have 'that' conversation - the one where I remind where we are in the agreed timeline, that the kids hate school and I shouldn't be the only one who has to know this and by the way, as time goes on, the curriculum at that school is just getting worse - the pressure, the unreasonable standards, not to mention the skills they are not learning - co-operation, research, library skills, art, creativity, the ability to question and discuss a topic and so many more. There are advantages of staying here, certainly, but education is not one of them. And I'm not looking to go home right now, I just want to lay some groundwork.
So, it's back to reality for a while. Time to cook dinner. Fried rice is on the menu tonight. If I'm nice about it, ex might help me cook it up while I lie down and get rid of this hormonal headache that's been dogging me for the last two days.
Cheers to all.
2 comments:
First paragraph,
A few thoughts about the voices and distractions that do not exist here in Oz to the same degree I bet.
The Old Testament is full of voice hearers: The irony is that voice hearers are full of the Old Testament.
A test for you is ....can you quote the old testament ...........such as 2 Samuel 12:7? Look it up.
Not sure about the voices with you but I try to only listen to those many, many voices that are in English.
Paragraph 2.
The dreams do not leave you. I had one about my son and woke crying once.
Paragraph 3.
No sympathy and do not stretch the Tee Shirt.
Paragraph 4.
While I have little time for the alphabet troubles with most people I know it does exist as a problem.
ADD, ADHD, ABCHD, ABCDE I think Ex sees this as a real issue because he has ALWAYS been so in control (controlling?)
All the people I know that taken speed and other crap on a regular basis have gone over the edge to varying degrees although they vehemently deny it initially.
I read in the paper yesterday that an ex employee has his wife up on attempted murder. She had no issues initially either. Mind you the crap he absorbed also sent him loopy as well, he was on steroids not the meth. his wife took. As an aside, anyone putting that crap into themselves does not work for me. Smoke it, taste it, sniff it, shoot it or insert it and you can look elsewhere for sympathy and work with my business.
When did Ex last experiment?
Paragraph 5.
Be careful! Setting some ground rules is good when people can communicate.
I wonder how long the alphabet diseases have been troubling Ex?
Thinking back about it is it possible that he has been turning a blind eye to something that for years he has to varying degrees recognised and been attempting to control by himself and it was only getting worse and you wore the brunt?
Paragraph 6.
Do not want to talk about it!!!!
Cheers to all
You're right Mr S, they don't exist at home, I hardly hear them.
Yep, that would be controlling. Not sure when he last wiped himself out but probably some time before I visited mum. it's not like he comes in and brags about it the next day, he doesn't. But his tiredness gives him away.
... and yes, he may have had this for a while. He can pinpoint it back to our Portsea days.
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