Wait a minute

Excuse me... but didn't I just call you and ask if you had plans??? I mean, I'm out with friends now and we're having a nice time, and now you're calling me 40 minutes later to ask me when I'll be home? That in itself is a little annoying, but now you're telling me you want me to come back because you've got to go celebrate someone's birthday? How come you didn't remember that 40 minutes ago? And has it dawned on you that I don't have a car tonight - BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO PAY THE FUCKING REGO 3 WEEKS AGO AND I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE TIL IT'S FIXED UP. You forgot didn't you, that I didn't have the car -you admitted as much when I got home, 10 minutes after your first message because suddenly it wasn't fun anymore - knowing you'd be at home just waiting for me to return so you could go do whatever you want. You see it's like this - you want something, you say it, we jump. Get it. You say, we jump. Simple. I want something - I plan, I script what I'm going to say (you make me nervous so I need that), I make sure all of my obligations are met, the house is usually tidy, the kids are dealt with - would want to put too much pressure on you - and then and only then I go. And if I happen to get bad vibes from you, I cancel and miss out. Can you see the work that goes into this?

I couldn't look at you when I got home because although you seemed to think everything was fine, it wasn't. I was seething and afraid to look at you in case I started yelling or something really bad like that. I wanted to pull you up by the collar and ask you whether you really knew what was going on here- whether you could see the hypocrisy in all of this. Do you remember what you said, when I called you and asked whether you had plans? In a very sleepy voice, you said "no go ahead, I'm just about asleep anyway". I smiled because it meant I didn't have to think about your needs and the fact that you sometimes want to go out immediately after me. And yet, 40 minutes later, you're asking me to come home? WTF - that means what the fuck, in case you didn't know. We all don't know some things - I didn't, or had forgotten today that chainsaws are powered by petrol, not electricity. Silly me. Maybe you don't know WTF.

I was seething before - lucky we've got xanax eh? Good stuff that - takes away the want to fucking smack you around the head sometimes. I'm calm now, even as I write this, I can feel the words starting to lose their sting. I am mad at you though. I'm allowed to be mad. You weren't nice to me today and I'm so sick of not even being in control of my own social life. Oh I know,that a bit of an exaggeration, but it feels that way at the moment.

So, I wonder whether you'll let it pass tomorrow, like nothing happened, like I'm nothing. Maybe I should have let you have it before - I mean yelled at you. Maybe, probably not.

Tomorrow I think you should get dinner. Oh and yes, I'm too nice for you. I deserve better.