My week was OK, how was yours?

,Hi, how's your week been?

Mine turned out OK.

Ex and I have both let the argument go and I've decided that I am indeed coming back home in November. Ex didn't argue about it because I'm sure he feels he doesn't have much choice. That's his tough luck - we deserve to go and he's not paying for it after all. We are leaving from Singapore because it's going to cost so much less. I know it's a more inconvenient journey for ex, but The Universe stepped in on this matter and I happened to find 4 Singapore entry cards in the back store room while I was cleaning it out. Just what I needed. So now I just have to book and we'll be on our way again.

I was interested to see my reaction to going back. I don't have the same intense pull to home as I did last time. However, I know it will be good for me, the kids really want to go and I know my family back home will want to see us. It's not that I don't want to see them - I absolutely do, but the emotional pull is gone. Perhaps it's the desperateness that is not there anymore given that I've been back and know I can go back any time I want to, as long as I return here. That last phrase is a bit misleading - I can walk out and not return if I want to - ex would not care. But for me that is absolutely not an option. If my kids are here, so am I. Period.

So that's settled, we are coming back (27 Nov to 28th Dec) and hope, as always, to catch up with as many people as possible - Melba, Pete, Mr Scorpio and many others.

This coming school holiday we are going to KL for a few days. Hopefully we can stay with ex's lovely Aunty in her really nice apartment. We'll swim and visit ex's brother with the kids and hopefully catch up with a few other people we know. We'll swim and shop and eat and sleep in and relax. It'll be nice.

The other thing I noticed was that when I was searching for tickets to Melbourne, the stress levels went really high. I thought about it. Why would they? I've done this before, many times in fact, so I know what I'm doing. Then I listened to myself and found that I was still worried about what ex will think - about the time, the price of the tickets and also if he were doing this, he'd get a much better result - cheaper tickets, better time etc. I still do this to myself. I still think that what I do is somehow inferior to what he does. And this is despite the current reality.

Me: who has done this so often in the last 5 years. Me: who is keeping this house running and the kids on track. Me: who is helping to pay the bills despite the risks. ME: who has grown up and is so much stronger now. I have no reason to believe that he would do a better job and even IF that was true, so what! I should believe in myself more.

*

This week I found myself talking to ex in my head. It went something like this.

J, why aren't you spending more time with the kids? Why aren't you cherishing this time with them. There's 18 months left and your kids, who are the best kids around, need to get to know you. Don't you know, didn't we agree, that now is the most important time in their lives. They need you to spend time with them on their level. You can't bond and get close if you don't. I know you're depressed, but spending time with the kids will lift you. You'll see what a bundle of joy they are. You'll see that when they light up and play and laugh and hug, it wipes away their naughtiness. Spilt drinks and dirty faces don't matter. Really it doesn't. Laughter, out of the blue hugs, bright lovely smiles and excited voices and all the good things do.

Did you see their exam results? You did and you were proud of them weren't you? I was too, but because it made them feel good - success is good for them, as I know you would agree with. They studied hard this week and it worked. Did you see the cloud your son was sitting on when he got home. It was the 9th one, with a silver lining. I've never seen him so chuffed, have you? I'm glad you took us out that night and followed your son's suggestion that we go to McDonalds. It was like a reward for them, because they'd worked so hard during the week. I don't like eating there either, but they do. They are kids after all.

But that's just one tiny part in their lives. Every day getting to know them more is a day well spent. Don't have a day? Take an hour, just one hour, not counting dinner because you do eat with us every night. This KL trip, you're welcome to come. Yes I know you don't like to do that, you said as much, but they do, and because of that, you should be all over it. You should be there. I know it seems like because I'm there, it stops you, but if you let your guard down just a little bit, we could make it work. I'm a reasonable person once you get to know me. I know you think you do (know me), but you don't. Not like other people do.

Listen to me - should, should, should - I sound just like you. But consider these words. It's not a directive, but a point of view. An opinion, which you are free to consider - or not.

*

In the conversation above, I mentioned the success the kids had with their exams this week. I personally don't agree with exams at this age. I don't think it's necessary, but it's a fact of life here. In the past, I've often told the kids just to do their best, but my daughter said something to me that has made me change my approach this year. She's in one of the top two classes for her level and she has found the going pretty tough. I offered to talk to 'guru besar' (the principal) to see if we could get her switched to a lower class, where the pressure is not as intense. And she told me in no uncertain terms that that was not what she wanted. She is proud to be in that class and she likes it when she does well. I was a little surprised and then a little ashamed because I then realised that haven't been supporting her in what she wants - only what I want for her.

So to make amends, I spend time with her studying, got her tutor in for an extra session and made sure she was prepared. I did the same for my son. I studied his malay with him, made sure his English maths, science and spelling were all up to scratch and scheduled some time with his tutor and at the end of a very long week, they came home proud of themselves. Ex, I did that.

I don't know why I feel the need to chalk up every good thing I do. I shouldn't do it, but sometimes can't help myself. It's like I'm storing ammunition for the eventual confrontation. Uggh, it's going to be horrible, or so I tell myself. It may not be.

So I'm rambling now. Time to move on. Enjoy your weekend. We're out this afternoon, getting out of the house, buying groceries, stopping at Macca's again but for icecream. I would like to Skype sometime Mr Scorpio, to see if I can get it working properly and to have a chat of course. If you're free.

Love you all, my 3 readers.
Cheers