Yesterday was a bit of a mess. Ex has been doing his thing, I've been doing mine and we rarely meet up in the middle, which is a good thing. I only ever ask him about how he's doing in general, because I do care from the point of fact that he is my children's father. It's amicable if not slightly disturbing that we operate in this way.
About 2 weeks ago though, he mentioned that his relative's apartment in Penang is free for some time during the holidays - we've been there before and the results are even - good times 1. disaster 1. I thought is was a nice gesture, him willing to take us all on a holiday and, always the optimist, I was hoping we'd turned a little corner. A day or so later, he mentioned it again, this time with a date and saying that we'd have to complete our holiday before that date. However, I was caught up with a few things and didn't really mention it to him again, but kept thinking that at some stage I'd need to sit down and plan it with him - always a landmind-kind of experience for both of us it seems - you never know if what you're saying is going to set the other person off and then BOOM, everything becomes a train wreck.
Fast forward one and a half weeks later to a few days ago and his mum is with us and the holidays are mentioned again. The holidays start on the 5th of June and neither of us have mentioned Penang again, though I have to the kids a little, asking them if they'd like to visit. It is only at this stage that I realise that on the dates the apartment is free, I have to be around to teach a couple of classes and that it wouldn't be good form to cancel. So I casually mention this - first big mistake and go on with the conversation as though everything was normal, not realising the time bomb I'd just started. He had already been thinking "ok, so you don't want to talk about it, that's fine (not)".
Then last night happened. I'd cooked mediocre fried rice for dinner - and it was - so son decided he needed extra sauce on his - soy sauce, not tomato. The bottle we're using now is not child friendly and so he proceeded to spill it into his dinner, effectively ruining the whole lot. Team that with ex raising his voice about it, then telling me the in's and out's of how children can't handle bottles like this and I shouldn't expect our son to be able to do this, and we have son in tears, a ruined dinner (I'd cooked just enough so there was no more) and the tension level rising exponentially. It wasn't son's fault and I took full responsibility for not asking him to wait while I finished getting something from the kitchen. I said so to ex, using words like "I take full responsibility because... and I don't expect him to be able to handle this bottle but I forgot to tell him to wait for me... etc)" and finished with the words, "now, enough" before giving my son my dinner.
Then I pulled an ex and said I'm going out (calmly though, didn't want to upset the children but did because it's exam week and they want me home) and I did. I went for dinner with my friends K and W and another person who turned up later. I got myself out of the house because I didn't want to be scowling around, thinking about how stupid ex must think I am to expect that my son could pour his own sauce. Arrggghhh, the mind numbing stupidity of it all makes my head spin.
I came back home to ex sitting and watching tv and decided that since he was sitting right there, I'd talk to him about the holidays. I said that I was thinking about taking the kids to KL, however was there anything he'd like to do together instead. It was shortly after this point that I'd realised we were on completely different planets about this issue. I was starting a conversation as if everything was OK and he was coming in from the "you didn't want to talk about it two weeks ago" planet.
RED FLAG.
I knew I was in trouble at this point, knowing I wasn't going to get my point about how we could still work this out and we didn't need to trash the whole two weeks because Penang wasn't viable. At this point I have to say I disappointed myself. After saying that I couldn't cancel my classes, I then offered to do just that, just to show him that my family WAS important to me and that I would go to the ends of the earth to appease him - he'd finished saying that if it were him in my situation he'd work around the family's needs first, but no, when it comes to me, I am locked in to what I want to do and everybody has to work around me.
My mind went full bolt. Raise the sarcasm level... now: NO I NEVER CONSIDER MY FAMILY'S NEEDS. I'M JUST HERE FOR MYSELF AND PEOPLE HAVE TO TIPTOE AROUND ME BECAUSE I'M SO IMPORTANT AND FRAGILE AND DON'T YOU DEAR SUGGEST OTHERWISE BECAUSE THEN I MIGHT THROW A HISSY FIT AND
LEAVE.
I JUST LOVE BEING HERE WITH YOU RAISING OUR FAMILY AND IT'S JUST ME THAT'S IMPORTANT HERE BECAUSE I'M "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE". YES, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT TO DO.
He didn't accept any of my pathetic, self demeaning offers to make things right with him, but chose, in fact 'to let the matter go and I suggest you do the same'. He followed this by saying he didn't want to (go to Penang) now because of the guilt factor involved. Something about this didn't seem right and I couldn't put my finger on it until this morning, as I was getting milk from fridge for my morning coffee.
Oh, yes, there it is - BY LETTING IT GO, YOU'RE DOING ME A FAVOUR.
Fuck you.
After the 'letting go' comment, he went and showered and I just sat there, contemplating the wreckage, willing myself not to spiral down and wishing I hadn't given him my xanax. He did come back to me after that, with slightly more humanity and say that we really just should let it go, it was for the best. That tonight he needed to get his act together and do some work and "things would probably have ended this way anyway", referring to the fact that we would have eventually decided to go to KL - unbelievable. He said for me to take the kids to KL, he wouldn't mind. I almost don't want to, because of the guilt factor.
It was almost a concession, on his part... almost.
I went to bed after that, meltdown averted but still disturbed. Didn't sleep but tried to let the matter go and was able to get back to normal this morning, even though I'd figured out what was disturbing me.
Crap.
No comments:
Post a Comment