Life goes on..

Not a day goes by that I don't think about being back home. The desire to be back is getting stronger every day. I'm getting sick of this, really, I've had enough. And I'm not even emotional about it. These are rational thoughts. I'm not angry (well I probably am, it's just being held in check), I'm just tired. Tired of living here, tired of battling against the constant barrage of events that I perceive as negative. I use every little thing that bothers me to remind myself of how I'd rather not be here. From the inconsiderate drivers to the filthy drains and the smell (Malaysia literally stinks), to my lack of language and the borderline-abusive discipline system at school.

And of course there's ex. He's not doing anything wrong. In fact, even though he's off the anti-depressants (did I tell you that?), he's been very positive. He cleaned and ironed and fixed things around the house while we were on holidays and for the first time ever, I heard him use the word 'wonderful' to describe the experience of eating watermelon on a hot, humid afternoon. An emotionally private person, or emotionally flat-line, wonderful is not a word he makes frequent use of. As I said, I've never heard him use it. I'm probably being unfair to him - he did shed tears when the children were born and in private, he is an affectionate person. But he's not big on the positive words - there's no gushing, no extreme highs (unless he's on something).

But I digress. I want to be home and away from him. I want to move forward and be able to create my own life because it's what I actually want. The life I've created here has been done out of necessity. It's still a pretty good life and that fact doesn't diminish the importance of the friendships I've formed here. I love my friends and the children I work with and I will miss them dearly when I'm not here. Indeed, I feel more 'elevated' here because of what I do and the fact that I'm the only person doing it. Back home, I blend - I am one of many both in terms of vocation and looks. I'm not bragging, it's fact. I am the only white female who lives here and people recognise me instantly just from that. Here, I'm unique in what I do and it does make me feel good, but it doesn't make me want to stay.