The good mood has finally been shattered, apparently due to my own insensitive comment. He was probably at breaking point, having let so many things go in the past couple of weeks. The xanax has helped but couldn't stop this one.
I never mean to say whatever it is that gets him so angry. Why would I? I don't want to rock the boat and so try to keep my thoughts (often negative, I must admit) to myself. But I slipped up this time.
He came to me to ask what the afternoon plans were. Though I'm happy to tell him, my voice is always hesitant and I'm not the strong person you see before you here. I told him what I wanted to do and then asked him why he wanted to know, thinking that I could change something to accommodate whatever it was that he wanted to do, if he wanted to do it. I didn't say that though and that was my mistake. Mildly defensive, he stated that, well, he needed to plan his afternoon too and as he was backing out the door, I said, "Well, sometimes it's the way you say things..." and didn't go any further. He'd actually shut the door at this point but came back and said "I was being sarcastic..." and I whispered "oh...'' and became confused but knowing somehow that somewhere I'd said the wrong thing as per usual.
What followed was a complete over- reaction, in my eyes anyway. Slamming his door, he locked himself in his room and played his music really loud. I followed and knocked saying I wanted to explain, but he refused and said he didn't want to talk. I tried again 10 minutes later but again, he refused. I wanted to say what I didn't say above, thinking if he knew that I was asking with him in mind, he would calm down.
Thinking about it later in the car, I realised that my comment about "sometimes the way you say things" is what probably set him off. There's nothing that I can say now that will seem reasonable. I should have remembered that any negative comment on his behaviour will set him off. If I hear him comment to the kids and I don't like it, I can't say it - because after all I do it too and he never says anything. I want to say that sometimes the way he says things makes it seem like only what I do matters and that he always has to give in to me and give me what I want, lest I meltdown because I'm not getting my way. When if fact I would bend over backwards to be flexible and give him what he wants. I never know how to convey this to him when I'm saying something, though I have told him before. It makes me seem like a spoiled brat, one of those high maintenance demanding people who need to get their way, no matter what. I don't think I am like that, but it's obvious that that is the way he perceives me, so maybe...
Uggh, I've got a stomach ache from being hungry and not being able to eat. The stress has left me weary and I'm treading on egg-shells. If I see him, I'm going to be normal, not angry, moody or stressed. But I won't see him, probably not til after dinner. This level of anger normally means he takes a xanax and goes to sleep. That will be best for both of us. I'm going to lie down and be grateful for what I have and hopefully this will pass. Because on Thursday, we have to go to immigration, pretend we are happily married and spend 4 hours in the car together, by ourselves. I think that will be a xanax day for me.
Another thing added to my list of "reasons I should be going home tomorrow."
2 comments:
Sorry Jo but his behaviour is nothing less than a toddler tantrum and you have nothing to feel bad about.
Your challenge is to let him stew, which is hard to do. And not let it get to you. Sounds easy, but really isn't, but I know you can do it because you have come so far, this is the next step.
xxx
I couldn't do it Melba, I had to say something the next day. He wasn't talking to me and I need him to because it's hard, too hard, to live with him when he's not talking. I feel bad about myself, but I couldn't do it.
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