So the day before yesterday, ex informs me that he has indeed found an office and he is there now, working in peace and quiet while we go about our daily lives.
The place he found is actually a great location, the first floor of a shop house, in a side street off the main road. Restaurants and coffee shops are close by and it's 5 minutes from the kids school. The plan is to drop him there in the mornings when I drive my girl to school and pick him up in the evenings after I pick up my son from his school session. In the meantime, I have the house to myself. I can go about my business without feeling guilty that my messiness and the sometimes fact that we leave on fans and lights after we've left the room will distract him.
But it is strange not having him here, after all it's been years since we've worked in different locations, even though I'm not technically working now. The feel is different. Perhaps the tension has gone and it's good not having to see him frown at whatever is stressing him out - or hum.
When something doesn't agree with him he starts up this inane humming to distract himself and it's usually a song that is completely lame and of course, it drives me crazy.
I think my son is relieved that he's got an office too. Ex was starting to come down on him really hard, getting him to do chores, study some extra Malay and not allowing him to whinge or cry (really hard for a sensitive 8 year old) and then giving him more work if he did. Now my boy can relax and concentrate on his homework or play or help me around the house without feeling the pressure of his father. Ex insists that our children must start to learn skills and while I agree, my method is much more gentle and I don't stress if they don't get it right. I just wait for the next time whereas ex will get them to do it over and that just makes the kids more uncooperative.
The other night I went out to teach followed by some supper with my friends. Half way through I got a phone call from my daughter who was crying so much I dropped everything and went back home to find her in tears with her school books wet. WTF? These were homework books that she was doing that night. It turned out that ex had scolded her for something and in the meantime, she had spilled a little bit of water on her books - but he didn't help her clean it up and she didn't know how to do it. She got so angry that she pushed the cup he was holding over onto his shirt and got him wet and then ran to hide in my room. He subsequently told her that he wouldn't help her now and she should ring me. He told me later that if he'd have had to deal with her he would have shouted at her and he didn't want to do that.
My kids don't like it when I go out just for this reason - he doesn't deal with their little problems and often expects them to do it themselves when they can't - or at least can't do it well. Ex thinks that daughter doesn't like to be at home without me because she told him that she thinks I won't come back, but I think it's more to do with issues like the above.
He has trouble dealing with the kids when they are naughty because... yes you got it, they remind him of ME and he feels like he's dealing with ME, so it's all about ME!
So the office is a very good idea, don't you think?
6 comments:
Yes it is a VERY good idea.
How's your mum going, btw?
Mum's good, thankyou. She's a little worse for wear physically, but she has her spirit back and is sounding normal on the phone. Now when I speak to her, I know it's her talking, not the pain or the drugs.
Good to hear about your Mum Jo, probably where you get your trength from as us reivers can be a bit soft on ourselves sometimes.
Please read the rest of this through and do not be offended as it is my lack of ability with words that may confuse the meanings I am going to attempt to express and are a reflection of my own life so far and how I have attempted to deal with what are similar or same problems but have come out with some success.
I think the office idea sounds great for the overall harmony of your household and I hope it works for you.
Now don't shoot me but believe it or not your son will probably benefit from a little tough love from dad as I have found out over the years boys are built that way mentally to thrive on the challenge of trying to get away with blue Murder. Maybe G is a bit overboard but hey you wanna see me on a good day, your job is to let the Kids know he loves them even if he does not show it the conventional way.
I know it sounds like I am saying work with the enemy but you need to be the one who shows the kids how to deal with his shortcomings, I know it sounds weird but it works in my house.
I have many of those shortcomings and my wife seems to be able to show the kids how to deal with them without alienating me.
I am tough (when I have to be) but my kids always feel safe when I am there.
Girls are different, especialy the smart ones, maybe you can teach her how to see her dads intolerence as a challenge for her wind him around her little finger, thats what mine do to me and when they are nice to me the world becomes a tolerable place.
A broken man is no good to you or your children and women always seem to be so much stronger than us men. You have proven your strength by just sticking it out this long.
You know that we (your family here in Oz) do not think what you do and the decisions you have made demean you or make you less of a person and I fear the opposite is true for Ex.
I fear for him, as in his mind and in his culture the same may not be true which makes it hard to deal with his failure in your relationship.
Enough of my chatter life is great so long as you are around to enjoy it so we must be very lucky indeed.
With love always Pete
Hear hear Peter. I agree. And it's not "working with the enemy." He is the father of Jo's children, and ALWAYS will be. It's about working together as best possible, while each retaining identity and strength and sanity. It's not about shredding someone to bits, not that Jo does that.
Sorry Jo for talking about you in the 3rd person.
Peter, your words resonated with me, but in regards to my current marriage, our son, and my husband. It's always good to get a male perspective. Thank you.
Thanks Melba i was not sure If i could express it effectivly. Thank you again.
Well said Pete! I read your words very carefully and I'm not offended at all. Like Melba said, it's good to have a male perspective, so thankyou for putting yourself out there. I hadn't actually thought of it that way, that it's my job to show the kids how to deal with ex's shortcomings, but you're right and that's what I will do. If I think about it further, I guess we have to teach our kids to deal with a whole host of different people and parents come into that. As for ex being tough, well again, you're probably right. While ex is hard on him (and he does recognise this), I'm often seen as too soft and not just by him - ask my parents!
Your last comment about the culture thing is very astute - as a person with very high standards, he doesn't tolerate failure well and now he is facing failure on so many levels - just pulling himself out of the depression is proving to be a huge task, not to mention the business and the marriage. And there could be a culture aspect there as well, though he's seen his Dad go bankrupt and always admired him.
So, thanks again Pete, your points are well taken. Love you. See you in Dec.
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