It's been an interesting week. Well, interesting to me anyway. I bought a car and am going to be the proud owner of a van. It was a practical decision both for me and my sister. She wanted another car and wasn't going to get much if she traded hers in so she suggested I buy it for cheaper than what she really wanted for it. At first I said no, thinking I don't like vans (and I still don't), but for the money I have I wasn't going to get much of anything really and it's a solid car with a known history. I need a car when I get back in December and as my parents' second car died this year, they also need a back up car. So it all seemed sensible and if nothing else, I am sensible.
We had a rare visit to the in-laws this week and surprisingly, I got to hear the other side of their marital woes. I heard my brother in laws side a few weeks back when he visited and instead of taking off straight away, like he usually does, he stayed and talked. He talked, I listened. He thinks he's a bit hard done by with his wife. She doesn't cook (they get take away from a restaurant every night) or spend much time with the kids but goes off quite regularly to seminars and group talks on... parenting. He doesn't see the point, given that she is not applying her knowledge to their kids. Meanwhile, their oldest, a girl is losing interest in school and doesn't give a damn. their second, a boy, is turning out to be quite the bully - I won't let my son near him for any extended amount of time because it always ends badly. Their third child, a boy in my daughter's class, has a weight problem, hates school with a vengeance and you don't have to dig very deeply to see the esteem issues. Their parents are at a loss about what to do, so aren't doing anything.
Anyway, my sister in law ended up telling me her side (without knowing that her husband had spoken to me before) and told me what he's doing wrong, according to her. He picks her up on all sorts of little things and thinks she doesn't do much at all (she actually has a full time job managing their office) while he thinks he does everything. She's mad about this because while he is criticizing he's not even calling into the office on a regular basis (he's a civil lawyer). Instead he sleeps all day and then goes out at night, hangs out with some rather unsavoury people and really doesn't do much else. They both sound thoroughly miserable but they don't talk about it, so they both just do whatever they want to do. They've been through a rough patch before and came through so perhaps they will work out this in due time.
Of course, hearing this got me thinking about what's happening. Each of them is blaming the other person and not really willing to look at themselves. Each of them wants to be the 'right one' and wants the other on to change. It's sad because if they don't take responsibility for their own actions, they'll never sort it out. I can see both of them thinking "If only he/she did that/this...". And they'll be miserable for the rest of their lives. That's something I'm not prepared to do. Be miserable, thinking that if only I could be another way, the other person would love me more and everything'd be all right. When I hear people's stories, I am glad for the decisions I've made. I know it will hurt the kids when we eventually go our separate ways, but it's better that they have a mummy who's strong and happy and can be some sort of role model for them. I couldn't stand to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm too young for that.
It's strange, or maybe not, that the three brothers in ex's family have a talent for telling other people what to do and getting narky when it doesn't get done. Their favourite word is 'should'. They take after their mum I guess, she's a good one for that, but her empathy and compassion towards me more than makes up for it.
It's funny, how we see other families and think they've got all the answers, that they've sorted it all out and are happy and stable. And then you hear their story and realise they've got it even worse than you do. At the moment, I'm glad to be me. I have choices and the rest of my life ahead of me to do with as I want, but my sister in law doesn't have those choices. She's stuck where she is, for a very long time - unless one of them leaves.
No, I wouldnt' be anyone else but me right now. Of course, that may change tomorrow. We are going on a family trip to Johor Baru to buy birthday presents for the kids - and we all know how family things can turn out. Cross your fingers. Johor Baru is very near to Singapore and is where we go to do visas and shit. It's going to be an interesting day.
Cheers
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