Are you out of your mind? I am, quite obviously.

Sometimes I just hate. Today is one of those days. Hate the kids fighting. Hate the way my son's mind is so one tracked. Hate the way ex sighs and looks at me like I'm some kind of burden in his life that he has to tolerate because the kids share our genes. Hate the way I want to eat every sugar-laden thing in the house rather than do the housework - which is no longer up to date. Hate comes from the ego and my ego is full of it today. Hate that!

It was going to be a good day. I woke up early, to a pleasantly cool morning, everything quiet and still, except for the neighbour's rooster crowing . I wanted a peaceful breakfast and did so, in front of my computer, reading the news. Toast and a good cup of tea. I hadn't slept well, given that my son had a bad sniffles attack last night and was also feeling "empty and sad", so I'd let him sleep in my bed. For some reason though, I didn't feel tired, not like the mornings during the week where I have to drag myself out of bed at 6am.

20 minutes passed and then ex got up and I felt my spirit drop. I hid it well and said good morning and he commented that I was up early. The kids stirred 10 minutes later and within half an hour everyone was up. Ex remembered that he'd promised to take the kids to McDonalds for breakfast on the weekend so we could go as a family. We proceeded to get ready. I showered quickly and ex turned on the tv. I'd finished getting ready and ex was still watching tv, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the kids and I were waiting for him. I wanted to prompt him, I did, but I kept my mouth shut. There was a car show on and his glazed eyes told me if I were to say something, it would be received as if I were shouting at him to wake up (what...whe...?? coupled with a startled jump) - so I've quit talking to him while he's looking at the box (and he calls me unaware). A few minutes and stares at him later, he said "give me one minute" and then we were off. Keys, purse, everyone got their phone, OK. "I'll take mum's car" he said as we crowded out of our narrow front door. "oh, we're taking two cars?" I replied. "yes, TWO cars" he said, emphasising the obvious for his dim-witted 'wife', who was left wondering at what point he'd her that he was also going to the office.

Cue the stress, like some sort of alien landing inside my brain. Goodbye productive, peaceful day, hello bullshit-ego-bastard-fuck-I-hate-this kind of day. Should have stayed behind. I should have gone with my instinct and not gone. But no, like some kind of idiot lemming, I went, knowing the possibilities. I did think though, I've done this before, I can do this (it's not hard to go to McDonalds and eat) but if forgot one important factor. I haven't done it with him before. Previously, it's just been me and the kids. Still, I told myself, I can do this.

We got there. He was talking to the girl at the counter before I had organised myself. I thought he'd ordered and finished talking. MISTAKE. Note to self: Always look to see if he is finished talking so you don't interrupt! I sorted the kids meals, ordered and ex walked off to find a table. The food came and I queried it: "didn't 'uncle' (ex) order something to eat?" "no" she said softly "he just wanted coffee." It didn't sound like ex, who is quite partial to food but I thought perhaps he was following my example (I wasn't eating). So food in hand, I proceeded to the table and queried the missing food. "Yes, I wanted (whatever food) but you came in and took over and shut me off". Me "Oh God, sorry, I'll go get some for you." At this point, I started beating myself up - something I have yet to learn how to control. "See, it is my fault, I never learn, I should have looked, should have realised, I'm so clueless."

I got his food, sat down and proceeded to make my tea, all the while wishing for the kids not to spill anything (I really didn't need the you-have-to-teach-them-how-to-eat-properly lecture.) Ex asked if I wanted half the newspaper to read and I was on the verge of saying no thanks, when my mind screamed at me, take the fucking paper (remember, anything he gives to you IS A GIFT, dammit)! I took it, said thanks and read with genuine interest, an article on orthotics for flat feet (a conditions which my son has, thanks to his asian genes). The rest of the breakfast went OK and I calmed down. Before we left I asked ex if he'd be coming home for lunch and he mouthed "no" and looked at me like I was out of my mind. I don't know why I asked. I prefer it when he's not around for lunch, though I was planning to make fritatta and thought he might want some. I didn't tell him that though and let the matter slide. I was out of my mind after all, why would he want to come home.

I drove straight home with the kids, wanting to vomit it all out, straight into the blog. The kids were playing nicely and I distracted myself with other people's blogs, read Time online and watched Adam Lambert sing Starlight by Muse for the umpteenth time. Also found this site, Selera Malaysia, and thought of AOF, who comments here sometimes and loves Malaysian food.

Now I'm calmer. I can hear a storm rumbling in the distance and the wind chime tinkling in the backyard. I hope it rains. I hope it rains so much that the water rises and washes all our stuff away and I get to say "well there's nothing for us here anymore, we'd better move home."

The thoughts, no doubt, of someone who is obviously 'out-of-her-mind".