Drama or not?

How to write what I really think is going on. Is there really anything going on? Is there drama or isn't there? Watched a movie today and the boy accused the girl of taking things the boy said and infusing them with her own twist and making something out of nothing. All because she (and we women) loved the drama of it all.

I am guilty of this. I can make drama in my life, if I want to. I can react to the gossipers who've been talking about ex and asking each other whether I know what my 'husband' has been up to. Does she know, they whisper, that he goes to far away places to look for women. Gossip travels fast in such a small town. Friends of friends of friends will look at me, as I take my children shopping and either feel sorry for me, or think I'm an idiot. Either way, they will come to the conclusion that I'm not pleasing my husband. If I was, he wouldn't have to look elsewhere. They don't know the real story. Their snapshot of my life is so different to the reality. You can't tell what goes on behind closed doors. And yet they judge, both of us, on a single sentence uttered by an inconsiderate. The story they are talking about now, actually happened a few years ago and I was aware of it. When he rang me from where he was to ask if the kids were OK, he sounded so happy. I could hear it in his voice and then I knew that being with me was not a good thing for him. My knowledge did not make it easier to endure the separation.

He went away often then, and within 4 months of the separation, he was in another relationship. He said to me once back then that because I came back (from my 4 month stay in 07), he'd had to put 'this thing' (the relationship) on hold - I still had hope then, hope of saving my family. I don't know what that meant because he was still in contact with her after that. He hasn't been back to see her since December. As far as I know. She could be here though. Maybe that's what has stirred the gossip. Maybe she visits him here, at the office, where we don't go. Someone asked me if there was a child involved. Of that I have no idea. It's possible of course and would explain his need to send money over there, even now. But that's fiction in my head.

I found the receipt for money inadvertently, thinking it was a telephone bill ex had asked me to look for. They always take you by surprise these things. You're having a good day, he says - can you find that thing for me and mistakenly you grab something else, look more closely and see it for what it really is. Money sent overseas. My money, our money, that we need. And your day falls apart. And you nearly fall apart and want to completely, but you can't because then he will know that you know and then who knows what will happen.

So I haven't said anything, but I have to say something about anything, sometime because keeping everything in, all the issues that I see with him, are going to come out somehow and I'd rather it be because I want it to, not because it has to and I blurt it out stupidly.

I want to ask him, why the hell aren't you getting your computer fixed if it's so annoying?

Don't you need it to work and if not, what are you working at anyway?

How much do you really want to be here?

Are you earning any money?

Why can't you own up to your problems?

Why can't you let us go?

Why, on a public holiday, do you choose to sleep for hours instead of spending time with the kids.?

If you so desperately want to take the kids away on holiday, why aren't you booked yet?

You do realise the holidays are next week.

Again, why can't you let us go?

And these are just the simple things. Yet, if I didn't ask these questions to myself, would the drama disappear? Am I just creating it for the attention, for something to write about?

I can't answer honestly. I just know that the small voice in my mind is asking me these questions and getting mighty pissed that no answers are forth coming.

PS. Don't forget that a lot of what I have written here are the stories I make up in my head. For instance, while he did send money overseas to her, it may have been the repayment of a loan or something similar. Who knows for sure? Only he does.