It shouldn't be starting because Saturday, my son's 8th birthday, was really good. He got up early, we gave him his precious box of LEGO from the CREATOR series and he proclaimed it to be the greatest LEGO set ever! During our Saturday morning English session, I turned it into a celebration and we decorated cupcakes and the kids played games and had a great time. At the end, we wrote about what we did and looked at the use of past and present tense, thus validating the time as an English class. It was all good. The afternoon saw my mother-in-law joining us for more cake (the rest of the in law family was supposed to come too, but they went to KL instead, thanks to their thoughtless father) and we had a quiet, relaxing afternoon. A simple dinner, tv for me and another night out for ex.
He goes out a lot these days, for hours upon hours at a time. At night, he leaves around 9pm and doesn't come back til 3 or 4am, four or five nights a week. I try to sleep the whole night through so I don't hear him coming back, but my mind is not obeying my wishes. Every night I wake up, see the outside light on and wonder where he is and of course, who he's with. I can't help myself, or so I claim.
Everyone is getting on with their lives and I'm stuck in this fucking shithole of a place. It's like I can't move. I finished my book EAT, PRAY LOVE (about one woman's journey to finding herself and happiness) and wonder about my own journey. It made me want to leave here to go and find myself, meet new people and create a different life for myself than the one I have. But it's not possible. I have kids and I can't just take off on them - well, technically I can but I'd then be up for the 'worst mother in the world' award, not to mention what it would do to them, especially since I've promised my daughter I'd never leave her like that again.
I've had 3 people in the last two weeks tell me that they don't know how I do it. I tell you how I do it. I ignore it and don't think about it and have trained myself to look away from reality so that I don't see it. THAT'S how I do it. Because if I don't, this happens and it's not a pretty sight.
I really thought I'd be beyond this now. I should be used to it. I had a think about it this afternoon though and I know what it is. I'm not feeling connected to anything or anybody really. I see my friends twice a week but it seems that isn't enough. At my very core level, for my 'happiness', I need to be strongly connected to someone. But at the moment I just feel empty.
So empty in fact that my thoughts are doing all sorts of flips and turn-arounds. Just yesterday I convinced myself that I still have feelings for ex and would get back together if the opportunity ever arose, even though rationally, I know that's such a bad path to follow. I've been doing the rounds of 'what if...' and then feeling really resentful and angry because he wouldn't ever consider reconciling. At times like this, I recognise that I'm still living in the shadow of his approval - wanting and needing it to make me feel good. I think to myself that I do so well now in the areas that he used to criticise me in, why couldn't he ever think about getting back together? How come he doesn't want to save his family - am I really that bad? I must be. Stupid I know, but people, emotions are stupid and this is purely emotional. It would never work, no matter how much I wanted it too. Uggh, I'm SO angry that I wasted so much of my life with this man who doesn't want me and hasn't for a long time. Angry with him and angry with myself for being such a wuss and not being able to leave. FUCK!
Him going out as much as he does, doesn't help either. If I'm not careful, I concoct all sorts of stories about where he is and with whom. My mind just goes crazy. Sometimes I feel like grabbing and shaking him and asking him point blank - are you really earning any money? and why are we even here if you're going to spend so much time out of the house WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Bad thoughts, I know.
Truth be told though, he is spending time with the kids and they are enjoying it. Ex took them out for Sunday breakfast followed by some shopping and then took them for a test drive in a new car that my son wanted to see. They had a good time and I had a quiet morning.
But yes, it's the connection I miss so, so much. I had a five minute conversation at the petrol station with the owner's daughter who continually asked me how it is I manage to stay sane here because there's so little to do. We talked and chatted and she seemed to think I was somebody she could finally talk to. I have to admit, I went home a little lighter, a little happier. I think I'm just stagnating really. Just waiting to go home. I probably just need a day out so I'm going to see if I can go with my friends on Wednesday if they are going somewhere - they usually do.
I may just be able to turn this around.
I really thought I'd be beyond this now. I should be used to it. I had a think about it this afternoon though and I know what it is. I'm not feeling connected to anything or anybody really. I see my friends twice a week but it seems that isn't enough. At my very core level, for my 'happiness', I need to be strongly connected to someone. But at the moment I just feel empty.
So empty in fact that my thoughts are doing all sorts of flips and turn-arounds. Just yesterday I convinced myself that I still have feelings for ex and would get back together if the opportunity ever arose, even though rationally, I know that's such a bad path to follow. I've been doing the rounds of 'what if...' and then feeling really resentful and angry because he wouldn't ever consider reconciling. At times like this, I recognise that I'm still living in the shadow of his approval - wanting and needing it to make me feel good. I think to myself that I do so well now in the areas that he used to criticise me in, why couldn't he ever think about getting back together? How come he doesn't want to save his family - am I really that bad? I must be. Stupid I know, but people, emotions are stupid and this is purely emotional. It would never work, no matter how much I wanted it too. Uggh, I'm SO angry that I wasted so much of my life with this man who doesn't want me and hasn't for a long time. Angry with him and angry with myself for being such a wuss and not being able to leave. FUCK!
Him going out as much as he does, doesn't help either. If I'm not careful, I concoct all sorts of stories about where he is and with whom. My mind just goes crazy. Sometimes I feel like grabbing and shaking him and asking him point blank - are you really earning any money? and why are we even here if you're going to spend so much time out of the house WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Bad thoughts, I know.
Truth be told though, he is spending time with the kids and they are enjoying it. Ex took them out for Sunday breakfast followed by some shopping and then took them for a test drive in a new car that my son wanted to see. They had a good time and I had a quiet morning.
But yes, it's the connection I miss so, so much. I had a five minute conversation at the petrol station with the owner's daughter who continually asked me how it is I manage to stay sane here because there's so little to do. We talked and chatted and she seemed to think I was somebody she could finally talk to. I have to admit, I went home a little lighter, a little happier. I think I'm just stagnating really. Just waiting to go home. I probably just need a day out so I'm going to see if I can go with my friends on Wednesday if they are going somewhere - they usually do.
I may just be able to turn this around.
6 comments:
Personally Jo I think what you have done is just darned amazing.
Yes I know that you gave your word and that you have managed to keep despite all it involves is just the most extraordinary effort.
Cramped up by yourself with little external contact is your version of solitary confinement.
It is no surprise that you found some social relief in talking to someone, none at all.
Surely that is the difference between there and here?
While thoughts of getting back together with “J” when you are lonely and / or depressed may be perfectly natural I suspect you know in your head if not your heart that is neither likely, nor the way to go.
What you have done so far is a colossal effort Jo and I hope that you can again see, hear and feel what it is like to exist in a normal situation when you return for a break at Christmas.
This effort that you have put in would have taken a toll on any persons health. That you have come through so well is a testimony to you.
Best wishes to all.
Thanks Mr. S. Definitely looking forward to Christmas.
Though I do sometimes wonder what kind of person I will be when I get home to live. Being on holidays is very different to having to deal with the realities of a day to day life - getting work and money organised, getting the kids into school and then secondary school - the list goes on. But then again, I know I'll have my family behind me and that in itself is a big plus.
Though I do sometimes wonder what kind of person I will be when I get home to live.
Probably different. It will take a while to settle in, surely a number of rough spots, more than a few tears here and there, gradually learning to moan about the weather and then like everyone else eventually start complaining about things that in the larger scheme of things should not be an issue.
Being on holidays is very different to having to deal with the realities of a day to day life - getting work and money organised, getting the kids into school and then secondary school - the list goes on.
Could not be more accurate. If life was a holiday we would not initially complain.
But then again, I know I'll have my family behind me and that in itself is a big plus.
Spot on! Just having that support is a huge plus.
Best wishes to all.
Jo do you think you could talk to ex about how difficult you are finding it. Not about him and his stuff and your feelings about him, but about life there and that while you made your promise, and you will stick to it, is there any way you can renegotiate.
Why not put it to him, simply and calmly? You might be surprised.
How long is it since he reiterated that he wouldn't let you leave with the two children and come back here to live?
All my hugs and good wishes. You are a strong person but sometimes our strengths mean we stay and suffer even longer.
xxxxx
Jo I re-read the post and I can recall you writing similar articles albeit in different words reasons for your anger.
I have also noticed over the years how people give the “guts” with the written word in lots of sixes and sevens. The rest of the sentence is polite or can be dramatic fill. OK, I may have taken some liberties with your post BUT these are your words.
The seventh paragraph contains the real emotional insight I suspect.
You follow in that seventh paragraph with the seventh line where you express resentment and anger and you begin to rationalise a good portion of your unhappiness.
Then later with seven words “living in the shadow of his approval”.
Yet later, again in that same seventh paragraph these seven words “needing it to make me feel good”!
Here are seven words for your consideration.....”No, you do not need his approval!”
Perhaps this seven “that is why you are happier here?”
Mr Scorpio asks the question “can you try reading your post and grabbing about seven words at a time and see if what you wrote is an accurate portrayal of your situation”? I suspect it is.
May you and your readers achieve access to the “seventh heaven”.
Melba, you're spot on - our strengths do mean we put up with alot more of the crap in life. Thanks for the suggestion but it's so scary to talk to him on any level - I can feel my heart beat increase just thinking about it. I may be surprised, sure, but it's just so hard and I couldn't trust myself to talk to him without breaking down. The last time he spoke about me leaving one or the other was about 6 months ago, I think. Since then it's been "well, when you go back with them" and I don't want to put that in jeopardy. My fears may be unfounded, but (and I think the answer is in my next sentence) without talking to him, I won't know.
I just have to find the right words and the right time.
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