This horrible need is because he treats me like shit. In his eyes, I'm the crazy one and not worthy of any indulgent attention, reassurance or apology.
I want him to acknowledge the things I do for him and the kids - like I do.
I want him to apologise for his mistakes - like I do.
I want him to be thoughtful to me in the same way I am thoughtful about him.
If I do something wrong, I not only beat myself up about it, but apologise again and again. Too much actually. I do it to make sure he realises that I know what's going on and I can do better. To let him know that I understand what impact my behaviour has on others. We have to be aware, to know what kind of pollution we leave around. According to him, (at times), I'm the most polluted person he knows.
But it doesn't go both ways. Today we experienced a storm that was bigger than usual. One of those really heavy rain storms that comes in quickly, lashes everything, floods all the areas that are prone and keeps people off the road. We were visiting my sis in law when it started and headed home again when the worst of it passed. The drive home was very wet, but I wanted to get home because I promised I'd cook dinner. I got home only to discover that even though he'd checked, the cupboard under the sink had back-flowed and there was water in it. I was left to clean it up. I got dinner started and then walked into my room - right into a puddle of water. My room had leaked but no one had bothered to check and so anything that was on the floor was soaked. Serving dinner 30 minutes later, I go to the coffee table which has been beseiged by ants, thanks to ex leaving his empty plate on the table. He is always telling us to clean up after ourselves and yet....
I think my main beef here is that he can do absolutely anything he wants and there are no consequences. NONE. He can be in the worst position financially, drink and take whatever and still get to be here. If I did enough of those things, I know that I'd be out on my arse before I knew it because, in his own words, I am A GUEST.
I HATE THIS.
5 comments:
Guy are pigs at times aren't they? What do you mean you are a GUEST? You are the children's mother and it is as much your home as it is his. You are not his servant. Don't let him treat you as one.
It takes time but learn to forgive him to free yourself again. When you get to Melbourne, you can start afresh :) Stay strong and hang in there. HUGS
If you do not make some of these points in general “by the way” conversation they are just going to burst out when you finally explode and they may not make sense to him at the time.
One he might see as rational, the other he will happily explain away to himself or others as “see that is what happens”!
Here you write rationally. You write about how you have looked back and considered the issues and how this is what happened and what you write all makes perfect, written sense. Why is it not in you to make a point to him?
If I could put it in a question I would say something like don’t let it bottle up, let some issues out such as “why don’t you put your plate away you know it only brings ants?” or perhaps something like ”it is very frustrating when you .......“.
When you go to your Sunday Oct. 10 post we read of your frustrations yet once again you refrain from speaking out quietly and rationally to him about the wearisome things he does. Please tell us again why is that?
Here is a question when did he utter the phrase I am A GUEST? Perhaps I need the context (or not) to understand the GUEST bit.
If I was in a similar position I would be wrapping a wet towel tightly around my knuckles so my next action did not bruise my hand, this would be followed by a wet towel muffled thump, then the click as the bags were closed, next the bang as the door closed behind the three of you and someone would have eventually found the car at the Singapore airport carpark.
Still perhaps I missed the context.
Best wishes from Oz.
Bright, thanks for the comment. Let me clarify the GUEST bit. When I came back in 07 after 4 months home, he explained to me that I could stay here as long as I didn't melt down too often and was a good mum to the kids. If he thought that was I was doing was damaging the kids, he would ask me to leave. So in essence, I was to behave myself or leave. His words were, "you are a guest here and I shouldn't have to come out and see your sour face (ie unhappy look) whenever I want to come out of my room."
Mr S, I do sometimes make comments. And he acknowledges them and says OK. I say things like - "this morning you left the fan on / bathroom light on /coffee out (whatever)". One time I even told him that no it's not me our daughter is unhappy with, it's him and that's why she plays up when I go out. So I DO say some things. But I can't say them as often as I want to, but then again, neither can he. He has to watch what he says in case I 'decide' to melt down about it. When we're talking on a civil level, there are things that can be said, but it's not nearly enough. There are just too many things. Perhaps if I started, I may not stop because the list of things I want to say is very long - as I"m sure his is. When I'm home and not having to deal with him on a daily basis, I will be able to let it go. Nuff said.
Once again well expressed.
Obviously it is difficult for you and many (all?) on this blog find your struggling hard to cope with.
We all look forward to your safe and happy return whenever it occurs.
Stay well.
Jo I think the key lies in these words:
"when I'm home and not having to deal with him on a daily basis, I will be able to let it go."
It's true, and what you are doing is mammoth. As long as the damage is not too great for you...
Not long to go?
x
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