Rational Me:What's wrong?
Emotional me: Nothing.
RM: C'mon, something's bothering you
EM: I don't know...
RM: Something's up... c'mon, be honest... did someone do something
EM: No, not really, things are just the same...
RM: Then why the tantrum this morning... it was a bit over the top wasn't it?
EM: I guess...
RM: You slammed the door... you must be angry
EM: Yes I was, but it wasn't anything anyone did. It was just there and it blew up inside. Better to let something that horrible out don't you think?
RM: Maybe, but not if it hurts other people, like it did to your son. He thinks you hate him now.
EM: I know. I've talked to him about it and I think we're OK, but yes, not good to expose him to that in the first place. I'll have to make sure he knows I love him to no end.
RM: You've got your work cut out for you haven't you? So, back to what things are making you so angry now...
EM: The usual, but I think I'm focussing on the fact that I'm bored and then I get angry that I have to waste more of my days here.
RM: Are you wasting your days?
EM: Not really, because I'm still teaching and looking after the kids so that's something, but I can feel myself being torn in two. My life here and my life back home, waiting for me. If it wasn't for ex, I'd be back home, the kids would be enjoying their school and I'd be able to move on...
RM: Maybe you can focus on the good things, try to make it better for you and the kids.
EM: I try, but I'm so tired. Just. So. Tired. I don't really get up before 10 and then I go lie on the couch because I'm still tired. After lunch I need to drink more coffee so I don't fall asleep because I'm still tired. I hate myself for it.
Yes, I know, it's tough. But only another year to go.
Last time I really thought about this, one year didn't seem like such a long time, but it's taking forever now. It just seems to stretch itself out.
So what can you do to make it better?
Focus on the moment...
See you know what to do...
Yes, but even if I do, I feel like there's a huge chunk of my life missing, things that I'd be able to do in Australia that I can't do here.
Like what?
Work, for one thing. Be more social, perhaps make some new friends, meet someone nice, the kids could have more friends... they're bored too.
Do you think you're making more of your life there than it would be in reality?
Probably, I mean, I've never really been social, but I think for the kids, the fantasy of their life there could become a reality.
But your reality now is that it can't happen can it?
No...but I want it to so much... I want to say something to him
Like what?
Like, he still can't support his family properly and he should just give us up so he can sort himself out
Like he wanted you to do?
Yes, he wanted me to go away to sort myself out and I did for a while, but then I came back and did it. I'm pretty much sorted, for now anyway.
Yes, you did good, but you didn't go away entirely did you? You came back...
Yes, but I did in two years what he hasn't been able to do in 4 or 5. It's been 5 long years already.
But you want him to give up the kids when you weren't prepared to do that...
Kids need their mum...
And they need their dads. Isn't that all he is doing? What you did?
Yes, but mine didn't have financial complications.
So your worried about money?
Yes... and no. We still have some, I'm still earning a bit... but I wish he would earn more. what's the point of going into more debt. We've been there already, I hated it but it doesn't seem to be a big deal for him.
So why don't you talk to him? Are you afraid?
Yes, he'll think I'm just doing it as an excuse to take the kids. I don't want to hurt him, not like that, because I think that if he's hurt like that one more time, he'll try something stupid.
So you're worried about his suicidal thoughts?
Yes, I don't want to be the catalyst for that kind of thing. I couldn't bear it, knowing that he'd offed himself for something I said. I've got enough guilt on my plate, knowing he blames me and only me for fucking up our marriage.
So can you be strong and wait it out, knowing that if you do, your kids will have many more years to know their father... even if it's from a distance?
I don't know... maybe
You've done more than this you know... facing yourself was a bigger thing than just maintaining the peace...
I know.
You can do this, just one more year. You've come this far, don't throw it all away now.
No, you're right, I can't.
1 comment:
It must be tougher than I can possibly imagine.
You really need to talk without any arm waving about this situation.
If you have these thoughts bottled up so will he I suspect.
Whatever happens as a result suicide would NOT be your fault.
Is it possible that he has realised that he cannot meet the high standards that he wants for himself and it is easier to find the fault elsewhere and that appears to be with you?
He may feel that he has fallen short of those high standards when you leave AFTER 4 month, 12 months or 3 years.
Suicide, drugs, alcohol and unemployment might all be your fault in his eyes. I suspect the reality is quite different.
########## I wanted to write more here but it was not a question!
I would love to write something along the lines of "do not start accepting any blame for what happens now or in the future because it is in his hands" but I cannot put that in the form of a question!
He has his office elsewhere now because it was the home life that was "dragging him down". It was you that was holding him back so he now has a separate life!
It was the kids upsetting him so he does not do as much with the kids.
The bar was to be his financial saviour and that folded unfortunately but that was not your fault and you even tried to help him there.
There is a litany of excuses here with the result that it is always someone elses fault and these have been discussed here previously.
Are you able to stop accepting any emotional blame BEFORE it starts?
Best wishes
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