So, I think I'm over the almost meltdown that I was having on Tuesday. I worked out later in the week that what it really was is that I do all these things for him - I jump through proverbial hoops to get him money, to pay his taxes, to look after our affairs back home and I get not a single word of thanks from him. He might mumble 'ok thanks' now and then, but a heart felt thank you is what I really want. Instead I get his bullshit about how difficult I am and how WE could do things better. It's all I can do to stop myself from screaming at him that in case he hasn't noticed, there is no fucking "WE" anymore - it's ME and YOU and WE are separate and I don't have to do these things with and for you but for the good of our children, I do them anyway and I take the bullshit that comes along with it.
He fails to notice that I am not the emotional mess I once was. He doesn't seem to realise that if he was keeping up his part of the bargain, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FOR HIM!
I'm angry because I feel cheated and I don't know what to do about it. Our agreement was that we would stay together in the same house. He would take care of the financials and I would take care of my emotional instability. At the time, he even wanted me to write down that if I didn't meet a certain set of criteria and was still an emotional mess, that I would leave and go back home by myself "to sort myself out". I didn't write it down though it was kind of understood that if I couldn't get my act together it would be detrimental to the kids and I would leave. But what about his part of the agreement. He's not doing it and it's been 3 years since that first conversation after I came back. HE is the one who hasn't kept his part of the deal. And even as I write this, I don't know how to bring this up with him.
Now is not a good time anyway. He's agitated and pre-occupied because his computer has had a power failure and he's not having any luck fixing it. It's best to keep out of his way because most things I say just end up annoying him. He will need his xanax tonight. I found out the other day that he takes his xanax at home when he comes back from the office. After he said "I take it when I need it" the look he gave me told me that he has to take it because we are here. Fuck him and his bullshit.
*
I learned today that a fellow blogger, Nicola, will be going home (from the US to the UK) soon - assuming all goes well. I cried. Happiness for her, sadness for me. Her situation and emotions mirror mine in a way that's just staggering. But, she's had a tough summer and doesn't want to get too excited in case it doesn't happen. I get that. What if the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a fucking train that's headed straight for you! No, best to keep a lid on it, as I do. I tell people that next year is 'probably' going to be my last year here. I refuse to confirm it 100% basically because even the best laid plans are apt to go arse up and we only have the present anyway. Live in the now and all that. But cross your fingers for her people, send her good vibes - she deserves it.
*
The concert is this Thursday. I am nervous and excited and anxious all at once. I'm going as myself, not as some glammed up girly diva thing. That's not me. Adam is all about being yourself and with me, what you see is what you get. I am going shopping for a glittery t'shirt though. I haven't got my train ticket yet because the booking system was down last week. I should be able to get a seat though. I've planned the travel, the accomodation and the shopping. I have the money. And soon, I'll be looking at this:
The first time I saw this I almost fell off my chair. It's my favourite Whole Lotta Love performance. Probably not everyone's cup of tea, but definitely mine.
Cheers
3 comments:
Weekly Round Up!?!?!?!?
Should that read "Weakly Wound Up"?
I went back and looked at some of your previous posts. The way you are coping now compared to 12 months ago is mind blowing (is that still current vernacular?) in the transformation.
Now you write about day to day events, what might happen in 12 months, trip down to a concert, pop across to Oz for a visit with the kids, the silly bugger used detergent “oh well”, went and had coffee with friends and if he rings too early I won’t answer ....stuff him.
Yeah of course there are all those other things that exasperate, provoke and thwart good things happening and you seem to shrug them off so much more readily now.
You are so much more settled and comfortable with yourself now it seems.
Others here on the blog have noticed the change and sometimes I can almost see you smiling as you type.
What a change!
Now where was that question?
Wow. Read the first part of your post and SO STRONGLY IDENTIFIED. Sometimes I get so frustrated at the amount of work I still do on behalf of my ex - and there is never any show of appreciation, or even respect. I always seem to lead the way -and he always seems to take it for granted that he is in the position of 'receiver' and i am in the position of 'giver'.
aaarrrghhh!
And then....I just have to find a way to let it go. Because fuck it - I am not going to change being a nice person (or trying...prob never going to get there, in all honesty) - even with him. Especially with him. Because then he will have won.
But my golly, it's so bloody hard, isn't it?
And then of course I read on ....and wow. Thank you so much for mentioning me. you are so lovely. And I so wish we were going home together. Don't think that I don't appreciate how much harder your situation is - because I do. And I wish I could do something to change things for you. And not in a year, but right now.
I happened across an email I sent to a friend 2 years ago telling her I was moving back to the UK in a year - I specifically said 'must make it happen in 12 months...would hate for this situation to go on for 2 years or more'. Felt very strange to read it. But also strange to realise how quickly the time has gone in retrospect. And actually, some of my more significent friendships have happened in the past 12 months, which would never have happened if I hadn't still been here.
Odd to realise the extra time was a little bit of a blessing in some respects.
'
Easy for me to say this tho - I might be going home (paperwork for house still not finalised so nothing is certain....just keep praying and knowing that whatever the outcome, it will be for the best)
xxxx
Mr S, yes, it just gets better every year doesn't it? A few more years here and I'll be positively sailing through it all. And I do smile when I type, you're not wrong!
Nicola, yep, damn hard. I wish we were going home together too - how cool would that be, but I'll settle for a holiday for now.
I can't wait for the day when I can just say outright - NO, I can't help you with your stuff. I think that's a long way off though.
And we'll keep our fingers crossed for you. Cheers.
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