And we're back

So, here we are. Though the holiday went like a flash, it was long enough to get used to doing things a different way and so now that I'm back here, I need to relearn things I knew before. It's unsettling, but I know it's normal. Driving is a good example of this. The car is different and while the road rules are technically the same, the driver interpretation of them is not. People run red lights here, overtake on the left, cut across the lane to turn right and speed like nobody's business. In Australia, I'm usually watching myself, just to make sure I don't get booked. Here, I need to watch other people so I don't get wiped off the road.

Our first day back was a total write off. We were so tired from the 13 hours of travelling - 10 hours in the air or in airports and 3 on the road driving back from singapore to malaysia. I had a thumping headache when i got back which didn't ease until tonight, despite painkillers and a dose of xanax to help me sleep. As I write this, we are still a little jet-lagged. You wouldn't think a mere three hours time difference would make an impact, but it does. This year we felt it more keenly than last year, perhaps because we travelled during the day or maybe I'm just getting older.

Ex is happy to have the kids back. People (my MIL and best friend) keep asking me if ex is happy to have me back. I don't know why it's important to them - perhaps they're just hoping because I know they both want me to stay here. I said I didn't know and I don't - and I don't really care - I can't care because then that just sends me back to a place that I never want to be in again. So, it doesn't matter if he's pleased to see me, I'm back and that's all it is.

It's like people are waiting for him to see me in the same way that they see me - nice, competent mum who loves her family and would do anything for them, including staying here, but they don't understand that he won't ever see me that way because of our history. His perception of me will never change and that's just the way it is. I've accepted that (I think). I don't like it, but I can't do anything about it. So I do what I can do - just be me and that will have to be good enough.

In the meantime, I have unpacked, the weather is nice and coolish and yes, still humid. We are enjoying the food we get so sick of at the end of the year and tonight we will go out for dinner as a family and then perhaps drop in to see the cousins. I had a nice afternoon with my MIL and we talked at length about people and what we can learn from others, cultural differences and families. Last night I caught up with my best friend and we had teh tarik over two hours of chatting and catching up. It was good to see her again and she kept on telling me how much she missed me - sweet.

Tomorrow I'll have to get my arse into gear and start getting the kids ready for school and start convincing them that it's going to be OK. That no matter what, everything will be OK. And while I'm at it, I might as well start to convince myself of it as well.