And here's something that took me by surprise...I'm homesick... for Malaysia. I miss my space, my computer, my friends. Normal? Yes, of course. I keep referring to Malaysia as home because it is and has been my home for the last 5 years. If it weren't for the difficult situation that's occurred between myself and ex, I would be happy there, I think. But there's always if's isn't there, and we never really know. I'm just missing my own space and my computer dammit!
At the same time, my time in Melbourne is rapidly coming to a close and I want it to go on longer. I've enjoyed my time here but it's been tough too. Tough seeing mum in so much pain all the time. If it's not her back, then it's her arthritis or a possible case of bursitis or something like that. I'm trying to hang around and help her as well as give the kids a good time but I'm finding it hard to do both - and all I really want is some time to myself without feeling guilty. And then there's dad with his tiredness and unwillingness to do anything about it. Even the town we live in has a depressing feel to it, but then again it could be me casting my own dark views all over the place.
I don't feel like I would fit in terribly well here. I don't have a tattoo for a start, although my sister assures me that a phone call to the local 'tatt parlour' will have that fixed in a jiff! When I look around, it seems like every second person has a new tattoo engraved into their skin!
But more than that, the '10ft tall' feeling I had a few years back is no longer there. It's been hard being back this time which is something I didn't expect. Watching mum push herself to the brink of pain every time just makes me ache too and yet, I should find it inspiring because she IS pushing herself so that she gets better. But sometimes she does too much and she overdoes it and it ends up hurting her even more. It's hard to watch that and so tonight I am at Mr S's place, having some time to myself so I don't have to watch it and yes I do feel guilty.
I can feel the fractures in my family like they exist in my own physical being. Deep cracks, threatening to explode should someone say the wrong thing about someone or something. I don't like it but I don't know how to fix it either. My sister said once that I could have probably fixed what happened between her and my brother but now I'm not so sure. I mean, who am I, really? I'm just another person with bullshit going on, who immerses herself in an online world when the going gets tough. But oh, how I would love to sit them all down and talk them through this horrible thing that is keeping us all on eggshells.
And the people are scary here. Well, the strangers are anyway. Tatts, scraggly hair, sad faces and they just seem angry, like if you were to cross their path, there'd be no hesitation about beating you up. The 'walking on egg shells' at mum's place hasn't helped this feeling either and I'm beginning to get the same 'dark clouds' going on in my head that I have with ex when I can't say anything about a situation I don't like. Still, it's not my house, nor my place I don't think, to say anything, so I'll take xanax to shut my mind up while I'm here. Mind you, if someone asks me to say something, I just might.
Sheesh, some people are never happy... (that's me talking about me) - the irony being that in the place I am supposed to be happy, I am very obviously not.
But really, at the crux of it all, I think I'm just unsettled and sick of everything being so temporary. I'm not settled there in Malaysia, but nor can I be here. I really think it's just time I came home, rented a house, got a job, gave the kids their own bedroom and enrolled them in a school I was happy with. Oh yes, and a man wouldn't be a bad idea either.
In the meantime, I will try again to be grateful for what I've got and the lovely friends I have - great to see you today Melba!
6 comments:
Hey Jo
So good to see you as well, and the kids are great, esp Lego Boy.
I understand your feelings and I think you're spot on when you say you are caught between two places, and you are really, and with no concrete plan on how to move forwards.
Perhaps 2011 is the year when you get some things on the table. Talk to ex about your plans and his. You could be causing yourself extra angst for no reason and you won't know what's going on in his head if you don't talk to him.
The children are the thing you have in common and I think that you can rightfully expect some open communication about what's best for them and start to make some plans, eg a time for when it's going to happen etc.
Families are often dysfunctional to a certain degree. If the thing that happened between your brother and sister is recent (or even if it is something from the past) THEY are responsible for working it out or not working it out. IS your sister trying to off-load her responsibility onto you by suggesting you could have done something about it? Is it something illegal? Is she asking you (in a veiled way) to report something to somebody?
Sounds a bit sinister and as if you are being caught up in it a bit.
About your mum, and dad, that's always hard and I think everyone goes through issues with ageing parents etc.
It's interesting you seem to be noticing a more aggressive atmosphere than in the past, I wonder what that's about? Certainly the WEATHER might be sending some people into pathological rages etc.
xxx
Thanks Melba. Re: the brother and sister thing - nothing illegal, just a fight they had earlier in the year. I don't think she's trying to off-load anything, she was just saying that if anyone could sort it out, I could, though I have my own doubts about that, given my brother's stubborness.
And yes, the atmosphere is a bit more agressive, but I'm also not in the lighter mood I was when I came home last December. So it could be me projecting a darker mood over everything.
And yep. will have to talk to ex when I get back. It's time.
I think it's probably not a bad thing to not have the 100% GoodTimes feelings back here because it keeps things in perspective a bit. You know how you can go on holiday and have such a great time you don't want to go home? And the holiday is not real?? Well, it's good you know it's real here and while Malaysia is home now, Melbourne can become home again. There will be transition of course, and that's all normal and to be expected. Might be quite a long transition, but you'll get there (here!) in the end!
I think our holiday here this year has a bit more of a realistic feel to it, which as you say, is a good thing. It shows me that although the grass seems greener on the other side, it definitely has some brown patches! So I'm glad really that it's shown me things may be like when I get back. And when I have my own space, I'll feel better. Thanks.
Hi love
Probably best not to ponder it all too much. I had the same thoughts just over a year ago on a trip back to the UK. It was only in week 4 of our trip that I began to feel somewhat normal and that it would be ok to be back.
I am just a few hours away from getting on the plane and I can't begin to describe the tumult of emotions I am feeling. I hope I do feel settled when I am home. At the moment I can't say for sure that I will. My daily life evolves around my life in Chicago and London is going to be so different. Will I like it? Time will tell. Hopefully by this time next year I will feel settled and know for sure the move was a good thing.
Enjoy your last few days in Melbourne. I'm thinking of you, because I know how hard it is to feel so torn and to question your own true desires. It will all work out, hun, I know it will.
Nic xxx
Thanks Nic, your comment was like a lovely hug! It happened that just as things started to feel better, it was time for Christmas and then to start packing. I'm writing this from Malayisa now, and again, feeling unsettled because I am here. The kids also feel torn and it's showing in their cranky behaviour. But it will pass, that I know and the sooner we get back into our routine, the better.
I'm thinking of you too, wishing you all the best in this next chapter of your life. Good luck with it all and don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs.
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