He's happy and I'm not so sure

It's so strange to see ex so happy... well he looks it anyway. His light, airy mood, his patience with the kids, his energy and upbeat take on life at the moment, it all just seems a bit surreal. Of course, it could be just that we've got back and he's missed them.

I'm finding it unsettling. I couldn't figure it out until it dawned on me, like a huge smack in the head. He's nice. I'm finding him nice to be around, and even though his attention is not on me directly he's saying nice things about me. Things that make me go "Huh... are you talking to me?" and "he's never said that before" and "oh...thanks". And I like it.

So much so that it makes me think "If only we could get back together..." and wish we could be a whole family so that I don't have to lie to my son when he asks me why papa doesn't kiss his mummy like other mummy's and papa's do. He's starting to notice the differences between us and other couples who are together and while I'd like to sit down and tell him why, I'm not sure that it's a good idea just now.

Ugghh... as I write this, I know how ridiculous this all sounds. But he's being nice. And he's being great with the kids. Instead of getting all impatient with them when he helps them with their homework, he patiently translates words for them and helps them find the right answers. He sits with them and plays on their terms, while teaching them the finer points of designing lego or getting along with each other.

With me, he is easy-going, telling me not to explain myself to him, telling me to do stuff when I'm ready. Before we left, he told me - don't bother cleaning up, it's OK, I won't get pissed off - almost like he was telling me he's changed now. Just today it was "it's OK, I'll wait for you guys and we'll go when you're ready" in a light, airy voice. It used to sound condescending but now he sounds genuine. I'm just not used to hearing that from him which is why it's making such a big impression.

I like it but at the same time, him being nice makes the whole "moving back to Melbourne" a lot harder because we will not be glad to see the back of him. The kids will be more heart broken because their father loves them very much and shows it and they love him back.

What makes it harder is that this is the Jin I've always wanted. This is the Jin that I knew was always there, hidden under the anxiety and need for control (though he still may never admit that). Perhaps what I'm seeing now is only superficial stuff, fluff made of fantasies that involve whole families and happy, loving parents. Probably. But maybe not.

He's changed, I've changed and it does make me wonder. And, yes, I'm fully aware that this is dangerous territory to be lurking around in.

Sigh!

And don't worry really. Ex will come along and do something that will bug the shit out of me and the thoughts will stop dead in their tracks.