It doesn't feel like a New Year except for this - 5 hours! That's how much time I have to myself, every morning, because now that the new buildings in the school are finished all the kids can attend at the same time, where as before they had to share. For the longest time, I can't remember having such a big window of time in my life. I wonder what I'll do with it. Exercise? Housework? Write? Read? TV? I don't know yet. I do know I'm lucky and that I should use it wisely. But will I? I read somewhere once that what you do when you're by yourself is an indication of the real you. If I look around me and consider what I've done in the first 2 and a half hours this morning, I could honestly say that I'm a whinger who wastes a lot of time on the internet and hasn't the slightest interest in being healthy. That translates to instead of getting some exercise, I came home, ate my breakfast and got straight onto the computer. So guilty!
Ex is still happy, though for me, his 'happiness' is getting on my nerves a bit (I'm such a bitch). It's annoying when someone keeps on about how good this year is going to be, how we all have to embrace change and learn new skills, how we each need to strive to be better. It's OK to say those things, to write them down even, but when he turns every stiuation into 'a chance to do better' it gets, well, it gets annoying. And I feel bad about saying that because there's nothing wrong with wanting to be better, nothing at all and I know he wants to pass that onto our kids.
Unlike last week, his happiness is so forced now and there's an undercurrent of arrogance that is just so "ex". I know I'm whinging, but I'm so sick of the 'parent persona' that comes out when he's trying to make things better. Yesterday we went for lunch and he had his laptop with him, which he'd placed in the passenger footwell so that it wasn't visible to outsiders. As we were sitting in the cafe, with nothing to talk about, he told me that I should be careful when I get back in the car so as not to step on his laptop. He must have tried to tell me in 4 different ways, to make sure I understood what he meant. I actually got it the first time but he doesn't trust me to understand something so complicated, so he tells me again and again, using different words and phrases so that there's no misunderstanding. Ironically, it's this particular habit that gets me more confused about what he's on about in the first place. He says it in so many different ways, I end up not knowing what he fucking wants!
But I digress. Back at the cafe, I had to state categorically that "I will not step on your computer when I get back in the car." When we'd finished up and got back into the car as I was very carefully climbing into my seat, he removed the computer and put it on the back seat, "just in case". "I'll take this" he said "just to be sure it doesn't get damaged." "I wasn't going to step on it" I replied. "That's OK, it's not personal, there are no feelings attached to it" he replied back. So I threw my 'feelings about it' out the window and we went on with our day. What were those feelings? I, always, every time, feel less than I am and feel so stupid because he doesn't trust me to listen and understand him. I mean, what's the point of him telling me to be careful when when he was going to move the damn thing anyway. I must be a right mess not to have understood what he meant when he explained it so thoroughly. He might as well have said nothing and let my dignity stay intact. Also, my daughter notices these things and it prompts her to ask questions like "does papa think you're stupid?" and it takes all I have not to reply "Yes, yes he does!" and instead invent some lame-o excuse as to why he says things the way he does eg. no he doesn't think I'm stupid he just wants to avoid any misunderstandings.
I have the same feelings when, if I've asked him to repeat something, he does so, but in a slower, stronger voice. Like I'm a 'slow learner'. It really grates on my nerves, but he thinks nothing of it. He doesn't consider for a minute that it might be his accent or that fact that he's mumbled or turned his head away as the reason I didn't understand him. Could be too that he does think this and that's exactly why he's slowing down and firming up his words. So. I. can. understand. him. BETTER... but it doesn't feel that way.
It doesn't matter really though. So many times I've read that our feelings are not real, that they're just the ego talking and that you can't trust them. I think that's true to an extent, especially for defensive or over-sensitive people, but there must come a time when we have to listen to what that little voice in our heads has to say and do what our 'feelings' are telling us to do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't 'feel' that it was the best thing for our kids to be with their father. I wouldn't be where I am in my head (that I'm really an OK person) if my feelings said that all the things ex says about me are untrue (that I'm unlovable). If I didn't listen to my feelings about my kids needing me and that life is worth living, I wouldn't be here at all.
I've often wondered about and wanted, a life without feelings. We used to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation and a character, DATA, who was an android who sought to be more human, had to live an emotionless life. When he was given an 'emotion' chip to let him experience feelings, he chose to give it back. Feelings never served him well. Fear, doubt, anger - they all overwhelmed him to the point where he couldn't handle it, despite some of the positive feelings. And even though I know it's fantasy, I've often wished I could turn my feelings off for a while, just to get some peace.
DATA - emo-free.
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