First of many

So... we've had the first of what is to be many talks, I suspect.

He asked if I wanted to talk. I didn't and yet, I did. It made me shake, I didn't want to do it, but said I would. I was determined not to melt down and get emotional. I couldn't look at him so I sat on my sofa facing the (turned off) television and he sat on his. I spoke first, telling him I wasn't sure where I should start so I would just say what I was thinking about. I mentioned how 2 years ago, he'd asked for 3 more years. I talked about the education for the children, what I wanted for them, how much better I thought it was, how I wasn't the only one who thought this way, how school is not the same now as it was when he went. I mentioned the redundant homework, the lack of teaching 'soft skills', the pressure of it all. I mentioned how our daughter would benefit from having a year of teaching in full English to get her used to the environment and she'd be able to make friends before going off to secondary colleges. I told him I knew the kids wanted to study in Australia, that they've mentioned their wish. I forgot to mention how stressful it is for the kids to learn here, but surely he must see that. I will mention it next time. I also told him that this was hard for me too and that I actually like my life here and that going back wouldn't be easy.

He spoke next and countered every single thing I said with his own argument. Both sides are valid, I acknowledged that. Then he said we must keep all our options open. He knows what I want for them, but that's not the only way to go here. He said we must be careful because what I want for them is often based on a desperate need of mine! He said that often when I made a decision that I found it hard to veer away from what I was expecting and what I so desperately wanted. He wants me to consider all the options and we'll decide what's best for the children. He remembers saying three years but also mentioning at the time time about our daughter finishing standard 5 or 6. He said we've done a good job, creating an amicable environment for the kids, that a lot of kids don't even have what our kids have and their parents are supposedly 'happily married'. He spoke of several options that he thought were worth considering, including - we can wait until our daughter finishes standard 6. One kid can go to Australia and one kid stays here for a while. We can wait another 6 months and leave in the middle of the year or I can go at the end of this year with both kids. His main point being that there are a few ways to go about this. I didn't agree with him right away. I knew the words he wanted me to say, but I didn't say them.

He mentioned our "being open to all options" several times and making the best decision where the children were concerned another few times. As I was listening to him talk, I tried not to let my mind get out of control or respond emotionally to what he was saying. It would have been the worst thing to do. Of course, as I listened my mind started telling me "he always does this, he always says something and then changes his mind on me, right at the last minute. I know what he wants and he wants it his way." I usually get so mad that I can't counter him and he ends up getting his way. All the time he spoke,

We spoke for about an hour and a half, stopping when we were both still amicable. During the last 5 minutes, we reiterated that we would do what is best for our family, what is best for our children. I told him (at last, to his visible relief) that I would consider and be open to all options.

That's not to say that I won't fight for what I want. I have thought about different options and I know which one is best for me and them. What I want is not best for him though. I need this to end. I need to come home and move on with my life. I've had enough of living in limbo, waiting for this time to come. I will need to do a lot of convincing. Using the education card will not work on it's own because he will just counter every pro with a con and every con with a pro. He's a good negotiator, really good and I'm loathe to be on the other side of his skills.

Of course, in the afternoon, my mind didn't stop running. I had a student and an English class at night to distract me and there was my sweet dance instructor and friends at night to listen to my crap and keep me busy.I didn't sleep well though and in the morning, after I came home, I locked the house up tight, put my air con on, took some xanax and slept full and deeply until 11am. I felt better after that. My thoughts more positive. My friend reminded me "the law of attraction, think about what you want". I will do that. Just because he's asked me to be open to all options, doesn't mean I have to accept them or that he won't consider that what I want is the best option.

But it's going to be hard. I can see that. Because when you hear him speak, he seems so reasonable, so level headed. You forget that he's not giving you what you want, he's that good. It's why I never discussed with him, my decision to leave in 07. If I had, he would have talked me out of it. But this, this I have to discuss with him. I hope I'm strong enough. If I'm not, it will break my mum's heart.