Gossip always comes back to you

Two nights ago, the hour was late when he knocked on my door and said in his serious voice, I need to talk to you. For once in my life, my insides didn't start flipping out. Usually my first thought is "what have I done?" and then my stomach and heart go crazy, but this time they didn't

He sat down heavily on my bed and I could hear him thinking, "how am I going to say this?" and for a brief minute I thought he might be coming to tell me I could leave. But no, he said a friend, who is married to a teacher at the kids' school had said something about me taking the kids back to Melbourne next year. He also said that someone else had asked him when we were getting a divorce! Then he asked if I was responsible for these bits of information getting out into the open among the coffee shop (gossip) crowd.

I told him in the firmest voice I could that yes, I'd said something in confidence to the teachers at school because they'd asked me if I intended for my daughter to sit for the year 6 exam (which is really important here) and I'd told them that I would like her to do year 6 back home. I wasn't lying or trying to be antagonistic. They asked, I thought they needed to know. So apparently this teacher has told another teacher who is a friend of ex's who then asked him about it. I didn't deliberately go behind ex's back. Only a few months before that he'd gone on about letting Child Services know that I have custody of the two children so that I could claim benefits for them if and when appropriate. For the better part of the last two years, he's struggled both personally and financially and of course, even though it wasn't 100% certain, I assumed/ hoped/ wanted the children to come back with me. With him saying things like "Well they're going back with you anyway", what else was I supposed to think? And that's why I told the teacher what I did - and I only told that one teacher and made sure she understood that the children didn't know yet and we didn't want them to know yet.

I then told him that the divorce rumour had to have come from something he did a few years back. He went to Indonesia with his best friend, hooked up with some women/a woman and had a blast. We were already separated so I couldn't and didn't say anything. He came back, we got on with our lives. Now, two and a half years later, that little story is still circulating. I didn't go around discussing it with anyone and I've had that gossip come back to me less than 6 months ago via my best friend who got told by her hairdresser. I told ex that people see that we're not together because we're never actually seen together and people will come to their own conclusions. I'm not the only one who knew what he got up to in Indonesia - his bf (edit: that's best friend, not boyfriend LOL) was with him, whom he's now fallen out with - so that divorce rumour, that's not me.

I surprised myself by not getting emotional and being brave enough to tell him what I thought. He sat and listened, head down. I don't know if that was just because he felt like he couldn't say anything or whether he thought that what I was telling him was true. I hate these damn mind games we get into when we talk about something. It shits me and means I don't trust him.

His ultimate concern, and mine of course, is that the kids will hear something first from someone else. We both don't want that. He calmly reiterated that we should ensure that we do no more harm, that we be very careful who we talk to and that we should still consider our options. Nothing is written in stone. I agreed with him.

We talked for a while longer. It was amicable. He told me that now there are no hostile feelings towards me - no anger, no hostility. He went on to say that he has finally accepted that he can't 'fix' me and never could because he just didn't have the skills. Although I found this insulting (because it assumes that I needed to be fixed, which perhaps I did but that's not for him to say), I let it go. At one point he told me how well he knows me - which I couldn't let go and so I told him "please, don't ever say that again." He didn't like that but he never likes it when I go up against him. He makes such assumptions about how I come to decisions, what my reactions will be and how I'm feeling, all based on our screwed up past. I hate it because he never listens to how I really feel or what I really think.

Having said that, he does acknowledge that I've changed a lot. I know when I write here that it sounds like he doesn't think I've changed at all - he says he's noticed the difference but I have to question that when he says things like "well, you know how you make decisions." Uggh!

Back to the conversation, I was feeling brave so I continued to be honest about what I was thinking about our whole situation. I actually told him that the finances cross my mind occasionally but that it wasn't something I obsessed over - although I probably do sometimes. I eventually want to question him about where he's going to get enough money once the current supply runs out. He's since told me that he's getting paid for the work he's doing so we should be OK. I even asked him he's set up a company yet - not yet. And that was all we said about the finances.

It's the most talking we've done about our situation since we started this bloody thing 2 and a half years back. Tonight he's in Singapore with a friend to meet up with a potential client. Good for him if he gets the job. But oh, I can't wait til this is all over.

'night. Mr S, it was nice seeing you today on Skype. We'll do it again soon now that the camera is up and running again.

Cheers.